History Bites Season 2, Episode 14: Cleo Can Kiss My Asp

1

Gutenberg's Laptop

Johannes Gutenberg was recently hailed as the most important man of the Millennium. After years of painstaking development he perfected his printing press, and then lost his life's work to his financial backer! Gutenberg and his opponent Johann Fust appear on Larry King, while on another channel, guests on ""Politically Heretical"" debate whether the printing press is the work of the devil.

30 min

2

Cartier Does Canada

After this triumphant return from the new world Jacques Cartier does Larry King and Barbara Walters to show of his native hostages, explain how the St. Lawrence River leads to India, and what to do with all the gold and diamonds that litter this new land.

30 min

3

Ransomed By Vikings

It's the hostage crisis of century, as the Scandinavian Mafia demand tons of silver for the Archbishop of Canterbury. In medieval Britain, Anglo-Saxons react with fear, terror and more fear, while their King Aethelred lives up to his nickname 'Aethelred the Unready'. It's live news coverage of the crisis, where the Vikings prove the old adage ""no guts, no glory"" using the Britons' guts.

30 min

4

Operation Desert Crusade

Live News coverage as the first Crusaders reach Jerusalem and send everyone straight to a Christian heaven. Barbara Walters gets up close and personal with a marauding murderer, the Pope calls for blood, Martha Stewart shares tips on feeding Muslims, and a word from our sponsor, ""Feudal Express.""

30 min

5

The Celibate Celebrity Of 1429

The famous French maiden Jeanne d'Arc (Joan of Arc) opens up to Barbara Walters, before heading off to rally the French army to victory against the English invaders. On 'Seinfeld' Elaine follows a trend popular at the time, and decides she's a virgin too. David Letterman has the ""Top Ten Signs Your Commander is a Teenaged Girl"".

30 min

6

The Big Sex Scandal

The leader of the world's most powerful nation is caught dallying with a woman half is age. Yes, it's King David and Bathsheba in ancient Israel. This sex scandal ends with murder, but the Judean jury acquits. As well there's sports tips on using your sling shot, and two thumbs up for the top grossing film of 1000BC, ""Raiders of the Lost Ark"".

30 min

7

The Sistine Ceiling

Michelangelo's biblical epic, a full-colour, wide-ceiling painting, premieres to astounded audiences and delighted critics. But there's controversy as this big picture has been four years in the making and gone way over budget. Entertainment reporters sample the audience, and find clerics complaining about the gratuitous nudity, and members of the public disappointed that the naked women look a lot like men.

30 min

8

Saying No To Terrorism

It's live news coverage of a breaking story. Mideast leader Moses threatens to bring plagues on the Egyptians until they let his people go, but the Pharaoh vows not to give in to ""terrorism"". Go up and down the ancient Egyptian television dial for a game show for slaves, a phone-in show on ""Home Mummification"" and for sports fans, the ultimate in extreme sports: Hippo Hunting!

30 min

9

Galileo Cops A Plea

Renaissance thinker Galileo Galilei is on trial for suggesting the sun is the center of the universe. And the old geezer cuts a deal with the DA (District Archbishop). We've got live updates on the heresy trial of the seventeenth century, panel discussions on what it all means for the peasant in the street, plus the reaction in the markets and market stalls.

30 min

10

Worse Than Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes are legendary. Yet few people today know about Tamerlane, the last and by far the worst of the horseback barbarians. Tune in to the news as his murdering Mongols conquer the Ottoman Empire. There's an exclusive interview with the deposed Ottoman Sultan, Bayezid, who is adjusting to his new life as Tamerlane's footstool.

30 min

11

The Commander In Chief Is A Eunuch

In the fifteenth century, as Europe emerged from the Dark Ages, the world's biggest superpower was a world away, China. Their navy, the largest fleet in history, was showing the Chinese colours all over the Far East. And the man in command of this Oriental armada was Cheng Ho, a eunuch.

30 min

12

A Woman For All Seasons

Hildegarde Von Bingen is one of the bright lights of the Dark Ages. She even sees bright lights. Barbara Walters interviews with multi-talented church woman about her life and her miraculous visions. As well, Hildegarde talks about her music writing, her church writing, the church, and her surprisingly modern view of sex.

30 min

13

Bulbs, Boom & Bust!

Do you think investing is risky these days? In the 1730's the Dutch freaked for flowers, and tulip bulbs became the hottest investment in the Netherlands. At the height of the madness a rare tulip bulb could be worth as much as a coach and four horses. Business reporters keep us up with the latest prices from the trading taverns, the financial experts review the pick of the crop, and then comes the most unusual stock market crash of the Millennium.

30 min

14

Cleo Can Kiss My Asp

It's live coverage of the most infamous leadership race of the Roman Empire. Who will win the office of Emperor and power over the Empire? Will it be the power couple of Antony & Cleopatra? Or will it be the late Julius Caesar's heir, Octavian? See the candidates' ads. Hear the platforms. Then catch the results as the leadership campaign ends in a military campaign, and one of the greatest sea battles of all time.

30 min

15

My Canada Includes Quebec

Canada's French/English debate heats up on the Plains of Abraham, as Montcalm and Wolfe try to prove who's more incompetent. Elsewhere, 18th century nerds show how to upgrade your hand-held computer, the slide rule.

30 min

16

The Not-So-Great Wall Of China

The original Great Wall of China was not built with stone, but with dirt. Dirt and the dead bodies of a lot of workers, according to an ancient Oriental TV expose! It's 240 BC, and the Emperor Ch'in has united warring states into a new nation. It will be called China after him. Corpses, cover ups, and the fate of nations are inter-cut with channel surfing among programs and commercials that explore life in Ch'in's ancient China.

30 min

17

Invasion U.S.A.!

If you've seen the movie ""Independence Day"" you know how vulnerable Washington and the White House are to alien invaders. Well it's happened before, during the War of 1812 when, after American antagonism, British troops arrived from the north, sacked and burned the capital and then... took off back to Canada.

30 min

18

Spartans, Get Ready To Rumble!

The first Battle of Thermopylae may well be the most lopsided confrontation in history. Tens of thousands of invading Persians run against 300 Spartans! Who will win? The answer may not surprise you. Done as a spoof of modern wrestling, this show explains the politics behind one of the most celebrated defeats in military history.

30 min

19

Welcome To Oz

A crime wave, gangs of criminals, Oz, incarceration. No, it's not the TV drama ""Oz"", it's England in the 1780s! Crime is rampant, no one feels safe, and authorities are desperate to take back the streets. The result? Criminals sent to the ultimate in solitary confinement: the other side of the world.

30 min

20

The Tiananmen Square Of 532 A.D.

The western half of the Roman Empire has fallen a century before. But the eastern half, with it's capital in Constantinople, lived on for another thousand years. Emperor Justinian dreams of rebuilding the Empire, restoring the glory of Imperial Rome, and creating a lasting legacy of law and order. But his citizens are in revolt, demanding an end to the massive taxes for military spending. It's people power versus heavily armed Centurions. Guess who prevails?

30 min

21

The Pregnant Pirates

There are many wild tales involving the buccaneers of the high seas, but the capture and trial of two women pirates, Anne Bonney and Mary Read, has to be the most bizarre. Their trial captured public attention, but when the girls announce they are pregnancy, the standard punishment of the death penalty is up in the air.

30 min

22

The King Has Left The Building

Catherine the Great ruled Russia with an firm hand. However she faced a lot of opposition from her dead husband, who kept reappearing, claiming he was still alive and ready to lead another army of rabble to reclaim his throne. The latest pretender to the throne is a short Russian, peasant named Pugachev who claims he is actually the tall, German, aristocrat Peter. Is he the serfs savior, or a Tsar impersonator?

30 min

23

Shakespeare In Love - Drake In Battle

The true story of Sir Francis Drake's famous victory over the Spanish Armada. As life coverage of the battle reveals, it's a combination of luck, strategy, and timing. It's covered as an unfolding news story with both nations waiting word as to who will be victorious. Elsewhere on the TV dial other programs and ads reveal the trials and tribulations of daily life in England, including the ""Top Ten Signs You're Entering a Renaissance"".

30 min

24

Everything You Need To Know About God

In the fourth century both Christianity and the traditionally pagan Roman Empire are wracked by arguments over beliefs and dogma. Roman Emperor Constantine takes time out from reorganizing and rebuilding the Empire to gather the church's best and brightest together to decide on what's what with God. The decisions made under this former pagan leader will remain matters of faith for most of the Christian churches today.

30 min

25

The Gods Must Be Angry

The breaking story of one of the great disasters in History, the eruption of Mount Vesuvius that buried, and ultimatley preserved, the city of Pompeii. The historical facts are presented through an imaginary ancient Roman television broadcast.

30 min

26

The End Of The World

If you think people are over reacting to the year 2000, wait till you see the terror of the original Millennium. There's something for everyone: Angles, Saxons, Vikings, Normans, Moors, and more! Plus live reports from around the world, where, believe it or not, other civilizations seem to have no idea that Judgement Day is here! It's the end of the world. Don't miss it.

30 min