Barney Miller Season 3, Episode 14: The Rand Report

Evacuation

Wojo is dismayed to discover that the city doesn't have up-to-date evacuation procedures in the event of an emergency; Fish meets Jilly Pappalardo, a young thief who he will eventually care for in the ""Barney"" spin-off ""Fish.""

Quarantine (1)

Wojo brings in a sick perp who collapses on the floor...resulting in the 12th being put under quarantine,with the following personnel present:A lady of the evening [who gets friendly with Fish!], Marty and Mr Driscoll, and of course, Inspector Lugar....

Quarantine (2)

The quarantined 12th Precinct tries to make it through the night: Lugar has a 'talk' with Marty and Daryl Driscoll; and Harris has a loud rant in his sleep.

Bus Stop

Quarters are tight at the 12th when a holdup man is confined with his busload of victims.

30 min

The Election

Election Day at the One-Two includes: A woman, being held from voting by her husband, throws a toilet seat into the street to get attention; a shoplifter gets escorted to vote by Wojo, who promptly 'loses' him; and Inspector Lugar comes electioneering for a old time political hack.

Werewolf

A disturbance in the park turns out to be a man who claims to be a werewolf.

The Recluse

A latter-day prophet claims the end is near - 5:30, to be precise; a man who hasn't left his apartment since World War II is brought in for refusing to serve jury duty. John Cassisi appears as Victor Kreutzer, a role he would continue to play on ""Fish.""

Noninvolvement

Barney doesn't see a crime, but Wojo's brought in a man for refusing to aid a mugging victim.

Power Failure

A power failure darkens spirits at the 12th, where they play host to a man with a split personality.

Christmas Story

Wojo wants to tell Yemana that his Christmas Eve date is a call girl; Fish dons a red suit to catch a mugger who's targeting Kris Kringles; Luger fishes for an invitation from Barney for Christmas Day.

Hash

Wojo brings hashish-laced brownies his new girlfriend made to the 12th Precinct, getting the detective squad stoned; while an actor and critic (""natural enemies"" says Harris) square off with dueling swords.

Smog Alert

All eyes are on Fish as the city undergoes a first-stage smog alert; an unlikely connection is made between a potential suicide victim and an obscene graffiti artist.

Community Relations

An evicted tenant greets a landlord with a musket; Barney's charged with harassment when he books a blind shoplifter.

30 min

Fire '77

The 12th may go up in smoke, to the delight of a suicidal couple.

Abduction

Barney has his hands full with a couple who want his assistance with their cult-influenced daughter, and Nick's bookie who's arrested for his efforts.

Sex Surrogate

Weary of waiting for promotion, Levitt announces that he's quitting the force; Barney investigates a sex clinic that borders on brothel status; Harris investigates a rash of crimes ostensibly committed by a juvenile.

30 min

Moonlighting

Barney discovers that Harris has been moonlighting; Dietrich arrests a priest who's fencing stolen goods; a racketeer is using a retarded boy as an assistant.

Asylum

Marty is picked up for parole violation with a half ounce of marijuana; Wojo prematurely grants a Russian defector asylum.

30 min

Group Home

Yemana assists a bigoted Army officer when a bomber threatens a recruiting facility; it's Fish's turn for mugging detail as Victor and Jilly resurface with Bernice in tow.

Strike (1)

An impending strike is on everyone's mind, except the woman who was robbed by her computer date. (Part 1 of 2)

Strike (2)

Barney and Inspector Luger man the fort alone when the detectives go out on strike.