The Colbert Report Season 4, Episode 99: Lucas Conley, The Apples in Stereo

Andrew Sullivan, Richard Freeman

Chris Beam, Gary Rosen

Gov. Mike Huckabee, Matt Taibbi

Norman Ornstein, Muhammad Yunus

Neil Shubin

Peter Hopkins, Jared Cohen

Deborah Tannen

Lou Dobbs, David Levy

Allan Sloan, Eric Weiner

Malcolm Gladwell, Andrew Young

Stephen Colbert's Sport Report

Debra Dickerson, Charles Nesson

Marjane Satrapi, Rick Warren

Joe Quesada, Alex Ross

Carl Hiaasen, Frans de Waal

Tim Harford, Andrew Napolitano

Tony Campolo, Jacob Weisberg

Tonight Stephen welcomes Slate editor in chief Jacob Weisberg, author of The Bush Tragedy. Also, Stephen talks with Tony Campolo, author of Red Letter Christians, about the Chrisitian right's influence on politics.

Angelo Falcon, Bob Dole

Richard Brookhiser, Tad Devine

Tonight Stephen welcomes Democratic strategist Tad Devine. Also Stephen talks with the senior editor of The National Review Richard Brookhiser about whether the Republicans will vote for John McCain.

Mark Moffett

Tonight Stephen welcomes naturalist Mark Moffett, author of Face to Face with Frogs. Also, Presidental candiate and former Arkansas Governaor Mike Huckabee stops by to discuss, and play air hockey with Stephen, about which state he hopes to win next.

Aubrey de Grey, Philip Zimbardo

Stephen begins with congratulating Barack Obama winning a Grammy award for "Best Spoken Word Album" for The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream. He then talks about Mitt Romney dropping out of the race for President. He then interviews Aubrey de Gray about defeating aging and trying to make John McCain young. Stephen then talks about his portait to Marc Pachter (over the telephone). Pachter tells him that the portait has increased the number of visitors to the museum and that it will now be displayed in the National Portrait Museum until April 1. He then interviews Philip Zimbardo about "The Lucifer Effect" and how people become evil.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer, Eleanor Holmes Norton, Lisa Randall

Stephen begins with a discussion on Mike Huckabee's running mate. Stephen claims that via obligation, he should be the running mate. He also displays his dislike of John McCain, due to other right-wing political pundits, such as Rush Limbaugh, disliking McCain. He then talks to superdelegate Eliot Spitzer about superdelegates. He then talks to Eleanor Holmes Norton, another superdelegate, about her support of Barack Obama. Finally, Stephen interviews Lisa Randall about other dimensions.

David Gracer, Richard Thompson Ford

Stephen begins by talking about how he survived the writers strike. He brings his writers (including, strangely enough, Tiki Barber, Mikhail Baryshnikov and Kevin Bacon) onto the set and welcomes them back personally. He then interviews David Gracer about eating insects. Stephen then introduces a new segment, "Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position," where he investigates different jobs he may take if he loses his job as a pundit. He investigates becoming a astrophysicist with Neil deGrasse Tyson. Finally, he interviews Richard Thompson Ford about the Democrats, and how he thinks the "race card" is being played too often.

John Feinstein, Leonard Nimoy

Stephen begins with "Who's Riding my Coattails now?", putting German comedian Oliver Pocher on notice for stealing his pose that he used on the front cover of GQ magazine. He then talks about the Roger Clemens hearing, defending Brian McNamee collecting used medical waste by claiming that he does it also. He then interviews John Feinstein about the use of steroids in sport. In "People Destroying America", Stephen talks about Susan Pagan, who refused to give his daughter a free Happy Meal for getting good grades. He then interviews Leonard Nimoy about a book featuring nude photos of overweight women.

Henry Louis Gates Jr.

Stephen starts by talking about a photo of Barack Obama in Muslim dress, claiming he is a terrorist. He says that the photo does not devide people, but unites people by making them think that Obama is a terrorist. In "The Wørd", Stephen agrees with Bill O'Reilly that a New York Times article about Vicki Iseman, but mainly because he claims the article was written poorly. In a special "Movies That Are Destroying America" entitled "Oscars That Are Destroying America", he attacks the fact that too many awards went to foreigners. Stephen then talks to Henry Louis Gates, Jr. about race and agrees to have a DNA test to see how black he is.

Tony Snow

Stephen begins by discussing a recent John McCain rally, in which opening speaker Bill Cunningham said negative things about Barack Obama. The "Threatdown:" 5. Monopoly! 4. Richard Branson! 3. Bankruptcy! 2. John McCain! 1. Starbucks! He then talks about all Starbucks locations closing for three hours to re-train employees. Finally, Stephen interviews Tony Snow about his experience as White House Press Secretary.

Richard Brookhiser, Ingrid Newkirk

Tonight Stephen welcomes the president and co-founder of PETA, Ingrid Newkirk. Also, Stephen talks with the senior editor for The National Review magazine Richard Brookhiser about the influence the late William F. Buckley Jr had on conservatism and political talk shows

Lorin Maazel, Shashi Tharoor

Tonight Stephen welcomes the former UN undersecretary general for communications and public information, and author of The Elephant, the Tiger, and the Cell Phone: The Emerging 21st Century Power, Shashi Tharoor. Also, Stephen talks with the conductor for the New York Philharmonic, Maestro Lorin Maazel about their recent concert in North Korea.

William Donohue, Howard Dean, Jennifer 8. Lee

Stephen starts by talking about John McCain and his support from John Hagee. Stephen expresses his anger of Hagee's views about Catholics. However, as a Christian, he is forced to turn the other cheek. Therefore, Stephen gets William Donohue to express his anger for him. In "The Wørd," he talks about McCain's continued claims of experience, but only over certain things. Next, Howard Dean calls Stephen to talk about the primaries. In "Nailed 'Em," he talks about a six-year-old girl who was cited for vandalism after drawing on the pavement in front of her front door with chalk. Finally, Stephen interviews Jennifer 8. Lee about Chinese food.

Robert Reich, Gregory Rodriguez

Stephen begins by paying tribute to Brett Favre. He then becomes angry about Mike Huckabee losing the Republican primaries to John McCain. He then interviews Robert Reich about the Democrats. In "Difference Makers," Stephen interviews Jason Grunstra, a man who created a website which gives away free breast implants. He then interviews Gregory Rodriguez about race relations and Mexican immigration. Finally, he pays tribute to Gary Gygax.

John Legend

Tonight Stephen welcomes musician John Legend.

George McGovern

Stephen begins by talking about the Eliot Spitzer scandal. In "The Wørd," he talks about Hillary Clinton's claim that she is ahead in the Democratic primaries because she was won bigger states. Stephen then presents a special repor-t called, "The '72 Democrats: Alone Again Naturally" covering the history of the 1972 Democratic presidential race. Stephen makes clear his dislike of George McGovern, whom he then interviews. This episode marks the first appearance of the phrase "President Bush Have a Hot Dog With Me" in the opening titles.

Geraldo Rivera

Stephen talks about his hate for John McCain, which he is forced to set aside to support him as the Republican nominee. In "The Wørd," Stephen explains how McCain is like a boyfriend who the country could get used to after getting to know him better. He concludes the segments by showing clips of Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and Mitt Romney saying negative things about McCain, then juxtaposing them with clips of most of these same people endorsing and talking proudly about McCain. Then in Colbert Platinum, he talks about fake Ferraris and the destruction of homes in Liechtenstein. Finally Stephen interviews Geraldo Rivera about his new book, HISPANIC (the "his" and "panic" portrayed as different words) about the fear generated by the right wing about illegal immigrants coming into the United States. Stephen ends the interview by playing the clip of Geraldo on The O'Reilly Factor when he said, "The two guys, Stewart and Colbert... they make a living showing clips of old ladies slipping on ice and people laughing. That's their life, that's their life. They exist in a small little place where they count for nothing." When Stephen asks Geraldo to clarify, Geraldo admits that he changed his mind about Stephen.

Howard Kurtz

Hussein Ibish, Sudhir Venkatesh

Tonight Stephen welcomes Columbia University professor and author of Gang Leader for a Day: A Rogue Sociologist Takes it to the Streets, Sudhir Venkatesh.

Samantha Power

Tonight Stephen welcomes Pulitzer Prize winning journalist and author of Chasing the Flame: Sergio Vieira de Mello and the Fight to Save the World, Samantha Power.

Carole King

Tonight Stephen welcomes legendary singer/songwriter Carole King.

Dee Dee Myers

Tonight Stephen welcomes former White House Press Secretary and author of Why Women Should Rule the World, Dee Dee Myers.

Dean Kamen

Eric Alterman, Michael Reynolds

Tonight Stephen welcomes professor of English and journalism and author of Why We're Liberals: A Political Handbook for Post-Bush America, Eric Alterman.

Van Jones

Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-founder of the Ella Baker Center for Human Rights, Van Jones.

R.E.M.

Tonight Stephen welcomes classic American rock band R.E.M. to talk about their new album, "Accelerate".

Clay Shirky

Tonight Stephen welcomes telecommunications professor and author of Here Comes Everybody: The Power of Organizing without Organizations, Clay Shirky.

Trevor Paglen, Jesse Ventura

Tonight Stephen welcomes former pro wrestler and Governor of Minnesota and author of Don't Start the Revolution Without Me!, Jesse Ventura. Also, Stephen talks with Trevor Paglen about the supposed shoulder patches worn by black ops members.

Madeline Albright

Tonight Stephen welcomes former Clinton Secretary of State and author of Memo to the President Elect: How We Can Restore America's Reputation and Leadership, Madeline Albright.

Jeff Gore

Tonight Stephen welcomes the founder of Citizens for Retiring the Penny, Jeff Gore.

Robin Wright

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist (specializing in the Middle East) and author of Dreams and Shadows: The Future of the Middle East, Robin Wright.

John Legend, Mayor Michael Nutter, Chris Matthews

Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Hardball, Chris Matthews.

Michelle Obama, The Roots

Tonight Stephen welcomes Grammy Award winning musical group The Roots.

Philadelphia Eagles Cheerleaders, Gov. Ed Rendell

Tonight Stephen welcomes Pennsylvania's Governor, Ed Rendell.

Hillary Clinton, Patrick Murphy, John Edwards, Barack Obama

Tonight Stephen welcomes Pennsylvania Congressman Rep. Patrick Murphy.

Fr. James Martin, Sen. Bernie Sanders

Tonight Stephen welcomes Vermont Congressman Rep. Bernie Sanders.

Susan Jacoby

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Age of American Unreason, Susan Jacoby.

Mitch Albom

Tonight Stephen welcomes radio host and author of For One More Day, Mitch Albom.

Maria Shriver

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist, California's First Lady and author of Just Who Will You Be?: Big Question, Little Book. Answers Within, Maria Shriver.

Feist

Tonight Stephen welcomes musician Feist.

Anne Lamott

Tonight Stephen welcomes political activist and author of Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott.

Donna Brazile, Noah Feldman

Tonight Stephen welcomes law professor at Harvard University and author of The Fall and Rise of the Islamic State, Noah Feldman.

James Kunstler

Tonight Stephen welcomes social critic and author of World Made by Hand, James Kunstler.

Carl Hiaasen

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Downhill Lie: A Hacker's Return to a Ruinous Sport, Carl Hiaasen.

Nathan Gunn

Tonight Stephen welcomes opera singer Nathan Gunn.

Hasan Elahi, George Johnson

Tonight Stephen welcomes science writer and author of The Ten Most Beautiful Experiments, George Johnson.

Arianna Huffington

Tonight Stephen welcomes the editor in chief of the Huffington Post and author of Right Is Wrong: How the Lunatic Fringe Hijacked America, Shredded the Constitution, and Made Us All Less Safe, Arianna Huffington.

Dr. Mehmet Oz

Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-author of You: Staying Young: The Owner's Manual for Extending Your Warranty, Dr. Mehmet Oz.

Jennifer Hooper McCarty

Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-author of What Really Sank the Titanic: New Forensic Discoveries, Jennifer McCarty.

Laura Dern, Grover Norquist

Tonight Stephen welcomes the president of Americans for Tax Reform and author of Leave Us Alone: Getting the Government's Hands Off Our Money, Our Guns, Our Lives, Grover Norquist.

Andrei Cherny

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Candy Bombers: The Untold Story of the Berlin Airlift and America's Finest Hour, Andrei Cherny.

Tony Perkins, Brian Greene

Sen. Claire McCaskill

Tonight Stephen welcomes Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill.

Tad Devine, David Sirota

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Uprising: An Unauthorized Tour of the Populist Revolt Scaring Wall Street and Washington, David Sirota.

Jon Paskowitz

Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-producer of the movie Surf Wise, Jon Paskowitz.

George Will

Tonight Stephen welcomes political commentator and author of One Man's America: The Pleasures and Provocations of Our Singular Nation, George Will.

Rep. Bob Barr, Salman Rushdie

Tonight Stephen welcomes Oklahoma Representative and Libertarian Presidential candidate, Bob Barr.

Pat Buchanan

Tonight Stephen welcomes conservative political commentator and author of Churchill, Hitler, and "The Unnecessary War": How Britain Lost Its Empire and the West Lost the World, Pat Buchanan

Phil Weiss

Tonight Stephen welcomes New York columnist Phil Weiss.

Alan Rabinowitz

Tonight Stephen welcomes wildlife scientist and author of Life in the Valley of Death: The Fight to Save Tigers in a Land of Guns, Gold, and Greed, Alan Rabinowitz.

David Hajdu

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Ten-Cent Plague: The Great Comic-Book Scare and How It Changed America, David Hajdu.

Winona LaDuke, Dixon Despommier

Tonight Stephen welcomes professor of environmental health sciences at Columbia University, Dixon Despommier.

Kenneth Miller

Tonight Stephen talks with biologist and author of Only a Theory: Evolution and the Battle for America's Soul, Kenneth Miller.

Neal Katyal, Jonathan Zittrain

Tonight Stephen welcomes the co-founder of the Berkman Center for Internet Security and author of The Future of the Internet--And How to Stop It, Jonathan Zittrain.

Uma Mysorekar, Junot Díaz / Lexicon Artist

Tonight Stephen welcomes the author of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Diaz.

Bishop N.T. Wright

Tonight Stephen welcomes Bible scholar and author of Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, Bishop N.T. Wright.

Barbara Ehrenreich

Tonight Stephen welcomes political satirist and author of This Land Is Their Land: Reports from a Divided Nation, Barbara Ehrenriech.

Jason Bond, Will Smith

Tonight Stephen welcomes rapper, actor and star of Hancock, Will Smith.

Paul Goldberger, Neil deGrasse Tyson

Tonight Stephen welcomes astrophysicist and director of the Hayden Planetarium, Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Also, Stephen talks with architecture critic and author of Up from Zero: Politics, Architecture, and the Rebuilding of New York, Paul Goldberger.

Rep. Robert Wexler

Lama Surya Das, Daniel C. Esty

Tonight Stephen welcomes the head of Yale's Center for Business the Environment, Dan Esty. Also Stephen talks with Lama Surya Das about whether Barack Obama should become a Tibetan Buddhist.

Julia E. Sweig, Jason Riley

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of Let Them In: The Case for Open Borders, Jason Riley. Also, Stephen talks with Julia Sweig, author of Friendly Fire about the rise of Venezuela and other South American nations rise out of poverty.

Rush

Tonight Stephen welcomes rock group Rush. They perform Tom Sawyer

Elizabeth Edwards

Tonight Stephen welcomes the wife of former Presidential candidate John Edwards and author of Saving Graces: Finding Solace and Strength from Friends and Strangers, Elizabeth Edwards.

Sen. Jim Webb

Tonight Stephen welcomes Virginia Senator and author of A Time to Fight: Reclaiming a Fair and Just America, Senator Jim Webb.

Lucas Conley

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of OBD: Obsessive Branding Disorder: The Illusion of Business and the Business of Illusion, Lucas Conley.

Nas

Tonight Stephen welcomes rapper Nas who is representing www.colorofchange.org and their petition to FOX to stop racist bias in news.

Laurie Goodstein, Garrett Reisman

Tonight Stephen welcomes astronaut Garrett Reisman.

Toby Keith

Tonight Stephen welcomes country music superstar Toby Keith and star of Beer for My Horses, plus Keith performs the song of the same name.

Eric Roston

Tonight Stephen welcomes Eric Roston, author of The Carbon Age: How Life's Core Element Has Become Civilization's Greatest Threat.

Crosby, Stills & Nash

Tonight Stephen welcomes legendary musical act Crosby, Stills Nash.

Buzz Aldrin

Tonight Stephen welcomes former NASA astronaut Buzz Aldrin.

David Carr

Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times columnist and author of The Night of the Gun: A Reporter Investigates the Darkest Story of his Life--His Own, David Carr.

Jason Bond, Kevin Costner

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor/director and star of Swing Vote, Kevin Costner.

Devin Gordon, Thomas Frank

Tonight Stephen welcomes contributing editor for Harper's and author of The Wrecking Crew: How Conservatives Rule, Thomas Frank.

Jorge Ramos

Tonight Stephen welcomes the anchor for Univision News and author of The Gift of Time: Letters from a Father, Jorge Ramos.

Joey Cheek, Jane Mayer

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The Dark Side: The Inside Story of How The War on Terror Turned into a War on American Ideals, Jane Mayer.

Dick Meyer

Tonight Stephen welcomes social critic and author of Why We Hate Us: American Discontent in the New Millennium, Dick Meyer.

Bing West

Tonight Stephen welcomes combat journalist and author of The Strongest Tribe: War, Politics, and the Endgame in Iraq, Bing West.

Rep. Bob Barr, Scott McClellan

Tonight Stephen welcomes former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, author of What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception, Scott McClellan. Also, Stephen talks with former Georgia Representative and Libertarian Presidential candidate Bob Barr about the Libertarian party's "green" efforts.

Gov. Mike Huckabee

Tonight Stephen welcomes former Arkansas Governor and Republican Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee.

Richard Brookhiser

Tonight Stephen welcomes biographer, historian and author of George Washington on Leadership, Richard Brookhiser.

John McWhorter

Tonight Stephen welcomes political commentator and author of All about the Beat: Why Hip-Hop Can't Save Black America, John McWhorter.

Laura D'Andrea Tyson

Tonight Stephen welcomes the former director of the National Economic Council, Laura Tyson.

Doris Kearns Goodwin

Adam Brickley, Ron Paul

Gov. David Paterson

Peter J. Gomes

Tyson Slocum, Rick Reilly

Robert Lutz

Maria Bartiromo

Jackson Browne

Joe Nocera, Cornel West

Nick Carr

Paul Begala

James Taylor

Dave Levin

Stephen Greenblatt, Naomi Klein

Jim Cramer

Nate Silver

Joe Scarborough

David Gergen, Oliver Stone

Bethany McLean, Kathleen Parker

Stephen offers his investment advice, and Kathleen Parker doesn't think Sarah Palin is ready.

Joseph Stiglitz

Shai Agassi

Brent Glass, Robert Greenwald

Stephen starts by talking about the final presidential debate, praising John McCain, but attacking his references to Joe the Plumber. Stephen then talks about the third anniversary of The Colbert Report and that his portrait has now been accepted by Brent Glass as part of the National Museum of American History. He then interviews Robert Greenwald about his series of anti-McCain commercials on YouTube. Stephen then unveils a new portrait of himself, which features him holding his Emmy.

Fareed Zakaria, Wynton Marsalis

Stephen begins by talking about Colin Powell endorsing Barack Obama for president. He then interviews Fareed Zakaria about the economic crisis. Stephen presents a new "lower cost" segment based on "Colbert Platinum", "Colbert Aluminum." He talks about Paris, rich people opening various bank accounts in order to protect themselves, and stealth wealth. Finally, Stephen talks to Wynton Marsalis about jazz and together they perform "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Michael Farris

Stephen begins by talking about Stephen Jr., his adopted eagle son, who was spotted in Oregon. He claims that Stephen Jr. has been supporting John McCain in the state. In "The Wørd," Stephen discusses Acorn and voter fraud, with some votes containing the names of cartoon characters. He claims that cartoon characters should not be allowed to vote. Stephen then examines of God concerning the election, after claims of a battle between God, Allah, Buddah and Hindu (despite the fact Buddah and Hindu are not gods). He plays some reponses from his Atone-Phone. Stephen then interviews Michael Farris about the Patrick Henry College.

David Frum

Jonathan Alter

Yo-Yo Ma

Grammy Award winning cellist Yo-Yo Ma, (Songs of Joy and Peace).

Brian Moore, Sherman Alexie

Stephen welcomes Sherman Alexie, author of "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian."

David Simon

Tonight Stephen welcomes Baltimore Sun reporter David Simon.

Wilco

Charlie Cook, Andrew Sullivan

Andrew Sullivan says conservatives should support Obama.

Indecision 2008: America's Choice

Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart report live from Indecision World Headquarters where Comedy Central has rounded up the best researchers and consultants (that it can afford) to provide shallow analysis, obscure factoids, random guesses and pointless sound.

Ambassador Andrew Young

Stephen sits down with civil rights pioneer Andrew Young.

Rachel Maddow

Dan Savage, Kevin Johnson

Bob Woodward

Stephen Moore

Malcom Gladwell

Tonight Stephen welcomes the author of Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell. Also, Stephen talks with the host of Meet the Press, Tom Brokaw about the important cabinet positions to be filled by Barack Obama.

Paul Simon

Tonight Stephen welcomes singer/songwriter Paul Simon.

Michael Lewis

Tonight Stephen welcomes the author of Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity, Michael Lewis.

Cory Booker, Thomas L. Friedman

Tonight Stephen welcomes economist and author of Hot, Flat, and Crowded: Why We Need a Green Revolution--and How It Can Renew America, Thomas Friedman.

Khaled Hosseini, Roland Fryer

Stephen checks in on the war in Afghanistan, and Roland Fryer sees if cash incentives inspire students.

Jeffrey Goldberg

Plaxico Burress could go to jail, and Jeffrey Goldberg says airline security is insufficient.

Barbara Walters

The media reacts to Obama's cabinet picks, and Barbara Walters promotes her TV special.

Sen. Bob Graham, Nicholas Wade

A new report predicts a biological attack, and Nicholas Wade wants to recreate a woolly mammoth.

Geoffrey Canada

Stephen briefly mentions Barbra Streisand kissing President Bush. He then talks about a potential government bailout of the Big Three U.S. automakers. Stephen then discusses Congresswoman Ileana Ros-Lehtinen unknowingly hanging up on President-elect Obama. Finally, he interviews Geoffrey Canada about his work with the Harlem Children's Zone.

Kevin Bacon, Charlie Kaufman

Stephen briefly mentions the arrest and indictment of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. A discussion on Frost/Nixon, he interviews Kevin Bacon about the film. As a prelude to Thursday's new episode of Tek Jansen, Stephen shows the previous installment. Finally, he interviews Charlie Kaufman about his new film, Synecdoche, New York.

Richard Haass

Richard Haass believes this century has the potential for America to cooperate with other countries to make the world safer.

Michael Phelps

Stephen talks about Atheists trying to take the Christ out of Christmas. Michael Phelps will compete in the 2010 Winter Olympics after Stephen teaches him how to ice dance.