Late Show with David Letterman Season 11, Episode 49: Wesley Clark

Al Franken, Grant Paulsen

Dave chats with Stephanie about a (supposed) incident that occurred over the weekend; Alan makes a suggestive offer to Secretary of Labor Elaine L. Chao; Al Franken promotes his new book.

Craig Kilborn, Dave Salmoni, Kings of Leon

Kings of Leon perform their breakthrough hit, "Molly's Chambers."

Gen. Tommy Franks, Rodney Crowell

Biff searches for celebrities on the street; recently retired General Tommy Franks looks back at his illustrious military career.

Nicolas Cage, Alton Brown

"CBS Mailbag," including Stephanie dressed as Batman, "CBS Vice President of Late Night Programming Vinnie Favale," and "George W. Bush" (Gerard).

Whoopi Goldberg, Vic Henley, Ima Robot

Paul's "Stump the Band" losing streak continues; Whoopi Goldberg promotes her new sitcom.

Andy Roddick, Jack Black, Warren Zevon*

Dave welcomes 2003 U.S. Open Men's Tennis Champion Andy Roddick and actor Jack Black. Dave remembers the late Warren Zevon with the Show #1895 tape of Warren singing "Mutineer" on October 30, 2002; Paul and the band play Warren Zevon bumper music throughout the show.

Salma Hayek, Chris Elliott

Rick Derringer sits in with the band; a woman from Staten Island participates in "May We See Your Digital Photos, Please?"; Chris Elliott comments on current events.

Sharon Stone, The Raveonettes

An opera singer performs in the hallway; the recently deceased Charles Bronson declares his candidacy for Governor of California; Dave and Sharon Stone make out.

Regis Philbin, Seal

Steph/Monty dresses up as Don Mattingly for CBS Mailbag; she closes the segment by playing catch with Dave.

Cuba Gooding Jr., Simon & Garfunkel

Dave has a major announcement to make; Cuba Gooding, Jr. promotes The Fighting Temptations; Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel sing "America" and "The Boxer."

Dr. Phil, David Bowie

Miss America 2004 Ericka Dunlap presents the Top Ten List; Dave tells the story of his weekend encounter with a bear at his house in Montana; Dr. Phil gives Dave some parenting tips.

Ben Stiller, Elvis Costello

Ben Stiller talks about his new movie, Duplex; Elvis Costello performs a song from his new CD, North.

The Rock, Lynne Cheney

Cold opening: The Rock shows Lynne Cheney how to apply a "chicken wing" to Paul; New York Giants kicker Matt Bryant attempts rooftop field goals across 53rd Street.

Colin Powell, Jennifer Garner

Joe Pantaliano, Kevin Nealon, Outkast

Stephanie is Peter Pan for "CBS Mailbag;" "Joey Pants" promotes "The Handler;" Kevin Nealon; Outkast sings "Hey Ya."

Denzel Washington, New York Philharmonic

Paul asks "Survivor 7" castaway Ryan "Skinny" Shoulders (who is wearing a Rage Against The Machine t-shirt) if he digs Audioslave; Denzel Washington promotes Out of Time; The New York Philharmonic performs "The Marriage of Figaro" atop the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theatre building.

Tom Cavanagh, Ray Wald, Dido

It's time for "How Many Guys in Gorilla Suits Can Fit Into a Eyeglass Store?" Quote Dave: "I was going to buy a pair of eyeglasses, but the optical store was full of gorillas."

Tim Robbins, Sting

The latest role call reveals that Michele O'Callaghan's five-month-old daughter (named "Zoogie") picks Dave's ties; Dave and Paul are dumbfounded by a pitching machine in a new game called "What Is It?"; Tim Robbins plugs "Mystic River"; Pat Farmer destroys the pitching machine.

Stupid Human Tricks, Lisa Kudrow, R.E.M.

Steph/Monty dresses as a letter carrier for "Know Your Current Events;" R.E.M. performs "Bad Day."

Robin Williams, Summerwind Skippers

During CBS Mailbag, Alan dresses up as Saddam Hussein for his new hidden-camera show "Goof'd!" and gets beat up by several people on the street. Later, Robin Williams comments on the Tour de France.

Jessica Simpson, Rufus Wainwright

Jessica Simpson mentions that she was on Oprah recently, much to Dave's chagrin; fill-in bandleader Todd Rundgren sings "Hello It's Me;" Pat Farmer drops 20,000 ping-pong balls from the roof.

Uma Thurman, Ricky Gervais, Renee Fleming

Amy Sedaris, Tom Dreesen, Anthony Hamilton

Dave calls ousted California governor Gray Davis "a wanker;" Gary Coleman presents the Top Ten via satellite, then falls asleep; Tom Dressen talks baseball.

George Clooney, Merle Haggard

A man from Charlotte, North Carolina plays "Know Your 2003 Boston Red Sox;" ten Hooters Girls present the Top Ten; George Clooney plugs Intolerable Cruelty.

Charlie Sheen, John Mayer

During CBS Mailbag, Alan has an awkward reunion with the first girl that ever kissed him, and "Ah-nuld" (Gerard) has an enlightened conversation with Dave. Later, Charlie Sheen promotes "Two and a Half Men."

Halle Berry, Lance Armstrong

Pat Farmer and an army of stagehands throws a special form of confetti off the roof of the theater; Steph/Monty tells "Survivor 7" loser Burton Roberts an alleged story about a woodpecker nipping her in the butt last weekend; Halle Berry brags that Robert Downey Jr. once broke her arm.

John Cusack, Scott Dixon, Hot Hot Heat

For the first time in several years, famed saxophonist David Sanborn sits in with the band; Dave announces he's going to rehab, then demands to have some Dunkin' Donuts; John Cusack promotes Runaway Jury; 2003 Indy Car champion Scott Dixon.

Katie Holmes, Brian Greene, Jonny Lang

Dave congratulates Conan O'Brien on his newborn daughter; ten weightlifters present the Top Ten; noted physics professor Brian Greene tries to explain the mysteries of the universe.

Dustin Hoffman, Jamie Oliver

Ten US Soldiers in Iraq present the Top Ten via satellite; Dustin Hoffman plugs "The Runaway Jury," British chef Jamie Oliver cooks some scallops.

Darrell Hammond, Radiohead

For CBS Mailbag, Steph/Monty dresses up as a soccer player and kicks balls (poorly) into the audience. Later, Radiohead performs "2+2=5."

Kiefer Sutherland, Emmylou Harris

Paul sneezes during the monologue; the band area is remodeled; Biff makes his annual report from the World Series; a 1,030-pound pumpkin explodes (via SFX) outside.

Courteney Cox, Doris Roberts

Dave announces that he's been transferred to Chesterton, Indiana; on tonight's "Meet the Governor," a young Ah-nuld ogles an exotic dancer; Courtney Cox Arquette almost sings TLC's "Waterfalls;" after a one-day rain delay, a real pumpkin explodes.

Keanu Reeves, Sue Johanson

Steph/Monty dresses up as an elf on a rare Wednesday CBS Mailbag; during Mailbag, Rupert takes part in his yearly tradition of watching the coleslaw change colors; Dave is so fascinated by Canadian "sexpert" Sue Johanson that he interviews her twice.

Eric McCormack, Dante Hall

The Slapinski Brothers, world-class jugglers, interrupt the monologue; Dave points out that Rupert was on last night's episode of "Ed"; Dante Hall of the Kansas City Chiefs catches a football on 53rd Street.

Pamela Anderson, Amanda Lollar, Bubba Sparxx

Amongst this year's "New Halloween Costumes": a George Foreman grill, the button on the remote control that you never use, and the "Queer Eye" fab five. Also, Rosie Perez delivers Paul's cape for his weekly, blues-induced breakdown.

Ashley Judd, Richard Belzer, Sarah McLachlan

The 2003 NYC Marathon winners make their annual run through the studio; eliminated "Survivor 7" hopefuls Shawn Cohen (who was voted out) and Osten Taylor (the guy who quit the game) drop by Rupert's; Ashley Judd reminisces with Paul; comedian/conspiracy-theorist Richard "John Munch" Belzer visits; Sarah McLachlan performs solo at the piano; Alan moos like a cow.

Regis Philbin, Amy Brenneman

Dave gives a recap of the events leading up to -- and including -- the birth yesterday of son Harry Joseph Letterman; "Indian Larry" performs motorcycle stunts on 53rd Street; Regis continues his string of appearances tied to memorable occasions; Amy Brennaman chats about the 100th episode of "Judging Amy."

Will Ferrell, Jack McKeon, Lyle Lovett

During Mailbag, Steph/Monty dresses up a police officer, while Dave tries to make some sense out of "Liza Minnelli" (Gerard in fishnet stockings). Later, it is revealed that the winner of the "Guess the Name of Dave's Baby Contest" is Dave himself.

Howard Stern, Iggy Pop with Sum 41

Amongst the "New Catalogs": Harry & David Pre-Owned Fruit, Victoria's Secret for Monkeys, and special edition of California Style in which all the models have been groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger; Howard Stern mentions to Dave that the impersonator that regularly calls into his show is a big fan and meant no harm; Iggy Pop featuring Sum 41 perform "Little Know It All."

Lauren Graham, Paul Tracey, Wyclef Jean

An elf named Perry helps out during "Know Your Current Events"; Bert and Ernie (of "Sesame Street" fame) diss Dave; Lauren Graham talks about a recent parking ticket.

Norm MacDonald, Jack Hannah

Dave announces that Oprah gave him a gift on behalf of the new baby, only to realize that it was delivered by somebody with the same name; throughout the night, weightlifter Willie Wessels demonstrates super-human feats out on 53rd Street; Norm McDonald plugs "A Minute with Stan Hooper."

Madonna, Chris Elliot

Cold Opening: Dave compliments Madonna's latest children's book: "I like the picture of the monkey." Also, Chris Elliott introduces Dave's son Harry, who says his first words: "S***."

Tom Brokaw, Dolly Parton

Russell Crowe, Pink

A sheep herder walks into the theater with his flock along side him; Pink sings "Trouble."

Jessica Lynch, Shelby Lynne

During "Know Your Current Events," a visiting audience member from Liverpool, England is quizzed on his knowledge of Prince Charles. Later, potential Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Al Franken delivers Paul's cape.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Cate Blanchett

As part of his legendary "fashion show" gag, Dave models the lining of his sportcoat; Dave tells a story involving a mother and two sons trying to hitch a taxi this morning; a timeline of Ah-nuld's first day in office as Governor of California is nothing more than a recap of all those "Meet the Governor" clips.

Dakota Fanning, Rocco DiSpirito, Cast of Wicked

An arm-wresting challenge is held at Hello Deli; child actress Dakota Fanning plugs "The Cat in the Hat."

Alec Baldwin, Freddy Adu, Cyndi Lauper

Robert Downey Jr., Joss Stone

Dave and Paul play "Potatoes or Gavin MacLeod?"; Dave openly wishes that Paris Hilton had not cancelled her appearance on the show next week; Robert Downey Jr. makes his first appearance on the show since early 1996; 16-year-old singer-songwriter Joss Stone performs.

Paul Newman, Clay Aiken

Biff spends a day on the campaign trail with Howard Dean; Gerard stands in for unavailable Survivor loser Rupert Boneham; Paul Newman discusses all things auto racing; Clay Aiken sings "Invisible" from his CD Measure Of A Man.

Tom Ridge, Puddle of Mudd

Cold Opening: Tom Ridge finks on Michael Jackson. Also, Dave has yet another rant about Paris Hilton, claiming that she won't be on because a "no-good weasel, beady-eyed putz publicist" told her not to appear. "He's lower than pond scum," Dave observes, then later he calls him a nitwit and a knuckle-dragging neanderthal.

Mike Myers, Jay-Z

During Mailbag, Harold Larkin tries a new product, then, in honor of Thanksgiving, starts bleeding gravy; Mike Myers plugs The Cat in the Hat.

Tom Arnold, Moby

Dorothy (live via satellite) brags about her five grandkids, ranging between 32 years and one month in age, and again stumps Dave with her apple and pecan Thanksgiving pies; Bill Delace presents "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From a Guy Dressed as a Pilgrim;" Tom Arnold plugs his book, "How I Lost Five Pounds In Six Years."

Jessica Alba, Wendy Liebman, The Rapture

Felecia makes fun of Donny Osmond during "Stump The Band;" former "Dark Angel" star Jessica Alba plugs Honey; The Rapture performs "House of Jealous Lovers."

Matt Damon, Jack Johnson and G. Love

Rupert is almost omnipresent in the first half of the show, presenting footage of his trip to the Meadowlands for last week's Jets-Titans game, then chats with ousted Survivor Christa Hastie. Also, Matt Damon tells a story about working with Cher in his new movie, Stuck On You.

Danny DeVito, Tim Russert

Dave mentions that his son likes to suck his nose; Biff & staff decorate taxi cabs for Christmas; Danny DeVito plugs Big Fish.

Amanda Peet, Barry Sonnenfeld

During Mailbag, the voices in Alan's head result in the horrific demise of his precious ceramic figure collection. Also, upon reading an article in Time about Oprah's refusal to have Dave on her show, he suggests a "Super Bowl of Love" with Dr. Phil reconciling the talk show hosts.

Kirsten Dunst, Rod Stewart

Julia Roberts, Alkaline Trio

Dave announces that he's been invited to appear on Oprah (at long, long last), while Julia Roberts interrogates Dave for his inability to marry the mother of his child.

Liv Tyler, John Witherspoon, Alicia Keys

It's a Late Show mini-reunion as former Broadway merchants Mujibur, Sirajul, and Joe G. join Rupert in decorating the Late Show Christmas Tree. Also, Dave comments on Saddam's capture, then shows Liv Tyler her Lord of the Rings action figure.

Barbara Walters, Sandra Diaz-Twine

Neve Campbell, Wellwater Conspiracy

During Mailbag, Dave tries to make sense out of "Saddam Hussein" (Gerard), while a reindeer takes a dump onstage. Also, Neve Campbell promotes the upcoming Robert Altman film "The Company," while Wellwater Conspiracy performs "Wimple Witch."

Bonnie Hunt, Dave Matthews

Charlize Theron, Dave Matthews

During "Audience Show & Tell," a man recites the names of all 50 states in alphabetical order in just fifteen seconds. Also, Golden Globe nominee Charlize Theron promotes "Monster."

Steve Martin, Shannon Eis

Dave mentions some strange advice his mother gave him about Harry: "Well, David, I think it would be nice if one day he joined a gang." Also, "The Kalter Brothers" sing "The Little Drummer Boy" without incident, and Steve Martin talks about the burden of being beautiful.

Renee Zellweger, Darlene Love

It's the annual "Holiday Night" on the Late Show: Paul does his impersonation of Cher singing "O Holy Night;" Jay Thomas successfully dethrones the objects on top of the Late Show Christmas Tree; for the nineteenth year in a row, Darlene Love (featuring Bette Sussman and a 26-piece orchestra) performs "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)."

Jennifer Aniston, Ryan Adams

Dave brings out Biff and thanks him, Paul, the USO and a variety of soldiers for making the Christmas Eve trip to Baghdad possible; in the premiere edition of "Will It Explode?" Pat Farmer throws 18 industrial-size cans of chocolate and butterscotch pudding off the roof; Parents magazine calls Dave "America's Most Moronic Father."

Jennifer Connelly, Christopher Paolini

Eddie Griffin, Marv Albert

Dave celebrate's Steph/Monty's birthday with a cake that reads "Happy Birthday Tammi!" Also, recent baseball Hall of Fame inductees Paul Molitor and Dennis Eckersley present the Top Ten.

Nathan Lane, Ruben Studdard

During his interview with Nathan Lane, Dave suggests to Paul that they should perform together in the musical "The Producers." Also, Ruben Stoddard performs "Sorry 2004."

Billy Bob Thornton

It's time for another round of "Stump the Band," and as usual Paul does his Carnac schtick; ten interns present the Top Ten; Billy Bob Thornton describes his short-lived tenure as the assistant manager of a pizza parlor; The Darkness performs "I Believe In a Thing Called Love."

Patricia Heaton, Kate Bosworth

Dave goes on a rant about Jay Leno's appearance on CBS' "People's Choice Awards" home site, while Dick Gephardt presents the Top Ten.

Jeff Daniels, Isaiah Thomas, The Shins

Bette Midler, Howie Day

Mailbag: Alan gets clobbered by an angry Irishman, George Clarke takes a shower with former basketball star Manute Bol, and Steph/Monty gives heart surgery fun facts. Also, Howie Day performs "She Says."

Dave Chapelle, Carmen Electra

Throughout the night, foreigners tell jokes; Dave and Paul play a new game called "Mars or Nevada?" then come to agree that it's utterly stupid; Al Roker presents the Top Ten; Carmen Electra promotes her new striptease-workout video.

Christina Aquilera, Gary Muledeer

During "Audience Show & Tell," a woman from Texas shows off photos of her Chinese hairless in various costumes; Dave reads a fan letter from someone whose life depends upon "Will It Float?"; Christina Aguilera sings "Walk Away."

Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey, Al Green

Stephanie demonstrates her ex-boyfriend's lackluster dancing abilities once more; John McEnroe does the Top Ten and promotes his new talk show at the same time; Gavin MacLeod makes a guest appearance in "Potatoes or Gavin MacLeod?"; by the end of the show, Steph, Gavin, and John are dancing together.

Ashton Kutcher, Paula Abdul

Singer-songwriter John Mayer sits in; Dave shows footage of Howard Dean's head exploding; in the latest edition of "Pat Farmer's Gaffe Alert," our favorite film-loving stagehand points out that the entire cast of Casablanca is now dead.

Kristin Davis, Joe Simpson

Dave does a really bad Howard Dean impression; during Mailbag, Rupert puts a ruined slice of turkey in the soup of the day; Dave chats with a mountain climber with an epic story of survival.

Matthew Broderick, Jim Garvin

Dave shows several photos that answer the question "What's the Deal with Donald Trump's Hair?;" Howard Dean presents the Top Ten live via satellite from New Hampshire.

Al Franken, Jake Johannsen, Phantom Planet

Al Franken comments on his trip to Iraq; Phantom Planet performs "Big Brat."

Regis Philbin, The Thrills

Dave mentions the passing of influential late night great Jack Paar; Biff introduces his annual "Biff at the Super Bowl" segment; Bill DeLace does another Top Ten remote, this time from a nearby Starbucks.

Harry Connick Jr., Sean Astin

Dave announces that after 22 years on the wagon, he would like to start drinking again, but only during the show. Later, he wishes Oprah a belated happy 50th birthday.

Bill Belichick, Cindy Crawford

Dave mentions that water is not running in the building for the time being; during Mailbag, Pat Farmer tortures a stagehand with a George Foreman Grill; Dave shows a (bogus) clip of Barbara Walters topless.

Hilary Swank, Todd Barry, Nellie McKay

Dave recaps last night's accident on 53rd Street: snowboarder Tara Dakides slid off a landing platform and fell to the pavement. She was taken to New York's Bellevue Hospital, and was treated for injuries. The audience was informed of the incident, and taping for the evening's two shows was cancelled.

Dr. Phil, Tara Dakides, Clip of The Beatles

Dave chats with snowboarder Tara Dakides, whose accident during a demonstration on 53rd Street cancelled the taping of last Thursday's episode. Also, in honor of the 40th Anniversary of Beatlemania, Paul does an Ed Sullivan impression, while Dave shows the entire clip of the Fab Four performing for the first time in this very theater.

Drew Barrymore, Jack Hanna

Rupert selects a 53rd Street Loser to play "What Did Merv Have For Lunch;" Drew Barrymore and Jack Hanna remain clothed during their segments.

Adam Sandler, Eve

Dave tries out a new catchphrase: "Ba da boom, ba da bing." Also, Steph/Monty dresses up a 1980s-era Olympic hockey player, and Dave goes back to calling her "Smitty."

Bill Murray, Jermaine O'Neal

Throughout the night, the CBS Orchestra plays songs by Air Supply; Dave mentions that the continent of Australia has demanded to see that clip of the monkey washing a cat; Bill Murray gets a "Dave" tattoo on his arm.

Alec Baldwin, Sofia Coppola, Kylie Minogue

This week's "Will It Float?" item is a box of chocolates; Alec Baldwin and Sofia Coppola visit; Kylie Minogue performs "Red Blooded Women."

Stupid Human Tricks, Ray Romano, Kayne West

Dave makes fun of a new commercial, and the clip is repeated throughout the broadcast; during "Stupid Human Tricks," a man stuffs his mouth with a tennis ball; Ray Romano promotes Welcome to Mooseport.

Kelly Ripa, Lindsay Lohan

Leon Russell sits in; Dave is still fascinated by a quote from last night's film trailer ("If you need help, here I am") and repeats it several times throughout the show; Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Kelly Ripa both attempt parallel parking.

Ashley Judd, Ben Harper

Mailbag: Steph/Monty/Smitty is dressed up as Dale Earnhardt, Jr., while "Senator John Kerry" (Gerard) brags about the perks of being married to the heir of a ketchup empire. Also, a Mongolian throat chanter performs on "Is This Anything?" but nobody seems all that impressed.

Gordon Geisbrecht, Sarah Jessica Parker, Nelly Furtado

Noted hypothermia expert Dr. Gordon Geisbrecht jumps into a tank of icewater to demonstrate its effects; the US Senate announces that when referring to George W. Bush, "president" will be used in quotation marks; Dave shows the audience a new photo of little Harry.

Amber Tamblyn, Brian Regan, Leona Naess

During "Audience Show & Tell," Dave meets a former White House intern; George Clarke fills in for Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl during "Will It Float?"; comedian Brian Regan comments on psychics.

Jeff Goldblum, Norah Jones

Demolition demo (shut down by Hizzoner Bloomberg's office) on 53rd St. turns into Pat Farmer dropping stuff off the roof; Survivor loser Rob Cesternino drops by Rupert's; Jeff Goldblum visits; Norah Jones sings "What Am I To You?"

Edie Falco, Steven Bailey, Edie Brickell

It's "Steve and Edie" night on the Late Show: Edie Falco promotes the upcoming fifth season of "The Sopranos;" Dave meets Steven Bailey of "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé" fame; Edie Brickell (making her first LS appearance in nearly 10 years)promotes her latest solo album.

Diane Sawyer, Benjamin McKenzie

Stephanie/Monty/Smitty is in dentist garb (and Dave-ordered model posture) for "CBS Mailbag;" Diane Sawyer gushes over Oprah Winfrey's 50th birthday party; Benjamin McKenzie ("The O.C.") visits.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Tim Robbins, Evanescence

Dave shows an (bogus) political ad in which Dennis Kucinich announces he's marrying Lorenzo Lamas; in an all-dog edition of "Stupid Pet Tricks," one canine says hello to Dave; Ernest Borgnine presents the Top Ten.

Bill Cosby, Toby Lightman

On "Audience Show & Tell," Dave make his contribution to an audience member's collection of gum chewed by celebrities; "Will It Float?" sinks a tray of billiard balls; Bill Cosby does stand-up; Lou Reed capes; Toby Lightman sings.

Anne Heche, Cee-Lo

The studio audience votes Dave off the show, so Gaines orders Paul to take over during "Survivor Loser." When Dave reappears during Paul's interview with Richard Hatch, Paul goes to a commercial. Later, a miffed (and naked) Hatch walks into the backdrop during Anne Heche's visit.

Turkey Callers, Julia Stiles, Jessica Simpson

National Turkey Calling champs are trotted out; Ryan Seacrest presents the "Top Ten Catch Phrases Ryan Seacrest Rejected Before 'Seacrest Out!'" (via satellite); Julia Stiles visits; Jessica Simpson sings.

Ben Stiller, Robert Rudolph and The Family Band

During Mailbag, Biff goes to bed with a guy named Cameron Diaz; George Clarke fills in for Anna Jack on hula hoop; Alan admits to a $1000-a-week addiction to Vicodin; Robert Randolph and the Family Band brings the house down with "Going In The Right Direction."

Viggo Mortensen, Sting, Bill Murray

Dave announces that he's on steroids, then shows before-and-after photos to prove his point; Biff goes on a cruise; the outside cam finds Bill Murray lying in the gutter, a desperate and broken man; "Oprah" (Pat Farmer) interviews "Beyonce" (Kenny Sheehan).

Charles Grodin, Chloe Pang

Twelve-year-old piano prodigy Chloe Pang plays Bach's "Goldberg Variations." Dave is almost brought to tears by the performance, declaring it one of the show's best.

Jim Carrey, Steve Winwood

Dave points out that for the nineteenth year in a row, the WMDB/CBS Orchestra will be the house band for the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies; Dave and Les Moonves chat via telephone; Jim Carrey and Dave attempt a "talk show without talk" that only lasts about 47 seconds.

Kate Winslet, Bruce McCall, The Vines

After two weeks of plugging their product, Dave shows a single Shick Quattro razor the company sent, and reads a very peculiar letter to Gaines from someone in the company; the Top Ten is now sponsored by myheadhurts.com; Canadian satirist Bruce McCall promotes his new book; The Vines perform "Ride."

Courtney Love

Tom Hanks, N.E.R.D.

Cold opening: Tom Hanks gives Harry Letterman an Oscar, and Dave accepts it on his behalf. Later, the Ladykillers star gives the absentee infant a $50 savings bond, while Congressman Dennis Kucinich presents the Top Ten.

Jamie Foxx, Al Franken

All-American basketball player Andre Barrett throws various items off the roof, aiming towards a basketball hoop at ground level, the misses the basket on all six chances. Also, Al Franken promotes his upcoming liberal-friendly radio network.

Ricky Gervais, Blondie

Mailbag: George Clarke's attempt at surgically losing weight is thwarted when some guy steals his clothes. Also, Blondie performs "Good Boys."

Janet Jackson, John Mayer

Throughout the night, Columbia University professor and 1999 Nobel laureate in economics Dr. Robert Mundell tells lame redneck jokes; Bill DeLace presents another hidden-camera remote Top Ten; Janet Jackson is grilled at length by Dave on her "wardrobe malfunction" at this year's Super Bowl.

Matthew Perry, Lou Reed

After weeks of shilling their product, Dave finally receives a thousand Schick Quattro razors in the mail, then promises to give them out to the audience. Unfortunatly, Gaines and Laurie Diamond tell Dave that the staff has already taken their fair share of the razors. Later in the show, he compensates by having Rupert, the Hi-Ho girls, and a British guy giving candy and razors to the audience.

Johnny Knoxville, Sahr Singh, The Walkmen

The Rock, Liz Phair

A minor controversy that started earlier in the week is resolved by a very apologetic CNN anchorwoman (see recap). Also, Dave congratulates Craig Kilborn on five years at CBS.

Tyler Crotty, Michael Imperioli, Jim Gaffigan

Audience Show & Tell: a husband and wife tandem demonstrates a neat trick involving a yo-yo and a shiny quarter. Also, Dave chats with Tyler Crotty, the tired pre-teen who has been at the center of a minor controversy on the Late Show for the last week. For appearing on the show, Dave gives Tyler several cans of Red Bull. Also, very tall man(Paul Olkowski) gives Dave a one arm hug before he shows a "glory day" highlight from 12 years ago when he sank a full-court shot on ESPN.

Bruce Willis, Renee Askins

The Top Ten list is now sponsored by rake-attack.com, while Bruce Willis shows off his new, stealthy, Trump-style hairpiece.

Jimmy Fallon, Anne Hathaway, Usher

Billy Crystal, Alex Rodriguez

Alan brings a video of celebrity well-wishers for Dave's 57th birthday (just a tape of a fleeing Regis); it's "More With Les," as Dave phones up CBS-TV head honcho Les Moonves; Billy Crystal plugs his new children's book; "A-Rod" chats, then jacks a few balls with Dave on 53rd Street.

Chris Rock, The Upside Down Act

Biff makes his annual trip to Spring Training, where he for the second year in a row, he and Hideki Matsui perform Abbott & Costello's "Who's on First?" routine; Jerry turns Dave upside down to preview Kai Leclerc's gravity-defying juggling act; "Dwight the Troubled Teen" makes another visit to Alan's booth.

Amy Sedaris, Damien Rice

Mailbag: After noticing that a letter-writer misspelled his name, Paul comes with a homonym for his moniker, resulting in a rival homonym from Biff. Also, Dave kisses a donkey, while Ruben Stoddard presents the Top Ten.

David Duchovny, Chris Russo

In the "season finale" of "Trump or Monkey?," a dancer from the musical Hairspray wins an alleged trip to Acapulco; David Duchovny discusses his son's linguistic skills; after getting bumped twice in the last year, NYC sportscaster Chris "Mad Dog" Russo is finally grilled by Dave.

Phil Mickelson, Kathryn Morris, Patti Smith

Phil Mickelson brags about his victory at the 2004 Masters; James Lipton delivers Paul's cape.

Megan Mullally, Eli Manning, Diana Krall

al-Qaeda takes responsibility for Derek Jeter's batting slump; Dave resurrects his two favorite Cold Mountain sound clips; stuntman "Magic Brian" eats a lightbulb.

Andy Richter, Davy Rothbart, Mary Chapin Carpenter

Dave declares that the new mission statement for the Late Show will be "We are here for you. We'll make things better." Also, Rupert hosts the debut edition of "Stop the Pump," a game involving pumping fuel at a gas station on the corner of 44th and 10th in Manhattan.

Julianne Moore, Robert Klein, Todd Rundgren

Dave announces that he's going to be "more dynamic," resulting in spasm-like movements by him and Paul; to accompany Steph/Monty/Smitty dressing as Amelia Earhart for Mailbag, Dave repeatedly orders to hear airplane SFX inbetween letters; Julianne Moore tells Dave what it's like to kiss Barbara Walters.

Kelly Ripa, Jennie Finch

The theater audience is given the option of either having Tom Hanks drop by or watch stock footage of a camel on skis. Dave claims the camel tape won. Also, Dave thinks he's addicted to Bexstra, claiming "the inside of me itches."

Hillary Clinton, The Roots

An audience member turns her hand 360 degrees; Hillary Clinton discusses her husband's book and the war in Iraq; The Roots perform "Don't Say Nuthin'."

Stupid Pet Tricks, David Spade, Loretta Lynn & Jack White

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Adam Brody

Nobel Economics Prize winner Robert Mundell tells "Yo Mama" jokes; a woman off the street pretends to be in an earthquake with Rupert; Survivor All-Stars loser Shii-Ann Huang presents the Top Ten.

Kate Beckinsale, Sue Johanson

Diving Dogs, Tina Fey, Morgan Spurlock

Kelsey Grammar, Orchestra Baobob with Trey Anastasio and Dave Matthews

Ten celebrity moms (including Dorothy and Gerard as "Betty Lou Roberts") present the Top Ten, and later the faux mother of Julia Roberts delivers Paul's cape.

Amber Brkich, Regis Philbin, Black-Eyed Peas

Dave announces that motorcyclist "Johnny McCoy" will be performing a very dangerous and complicated stunt out on 53rd Street, but it ends up getting cancelled; Dave makes Jerry play the airplane SFX again; it turns out Johnny McCoy can't even ride a motorcycle; Dave, Regis, and Paul weigh themselves.

David Hyde Pierce, David Byrne

John McCain, Tom Dreesen

Stupid Pet Tricks, Hugh Jackman

Amy Sedaris, Modest Mouse

A special edition of the show taped in the middle of the night. Dave arrives on horseback; vermin expert Robert Sullivan searches for rats; Dave shows footage of Eric Stangel trying to call Bob Borden from his apartment/hotel room; ten nighthawks present the Top Ten; Amy Sedaris takes a tour of her West Village neighborhood.

Antonio Banderas, Alanis Morrisette

Charlie Sheen, Jack Hanna

Chef Emil Castillo makes a $1000 frittata (read: omelet), and when completed, Dave smothers it with ketchup; Dave pays tribute to Tony Randall, who passed on that morning; Dave resolves a tickle in his throat with a bottle of Tanqueray.

Kiefer Sutherland, Incubus

Dave gives Steph/Monty/Smitty another weird nickname ("Gunther") while baseball star Randy "Big Unit" Johnson presents a perfect game-themed Top Ten.

Kate Hudons, Outkast

Ellen DeGeneres, The Strokes

Dave claims he has a rare form of tuberculosis, and that a Dave stand-in is waiting backstage for when the time comes; Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl reports from her apartment in Brooklyn to discuss a recent leg injury; Gary Mintz fills in for Kiva during "Will It Float?"; The Strokes perform "The End Has No End."

Nicole Kidman, Avril Lavigne

Dave's stand-in is still waiting for his cue; Dave demands to hear the airplane and Cold Mountain SFX again; the stars of The Sopranos perform the Top Ten; Nicole Kidman makes her first appearance on the show in three years.

Dennis Quaid, Velvet Revolver

Dave congratulates Sid McGinnis on becoming a grandfather; karate expert Leif Becker attempts to break 500 boards in a minute, but ends up tying his personal record of 415; ten NBA legends present the Top Ten; for the fourth show in a row, the credits roll over footage of Alan presenting flowers to an unknown woman.

Mandy Moore, Nate Erwin, Counting Crows

Mailbag: Steph/Smitty/Gunther is dressed up as Rahal/Letterman racer Buddy Rice; the upcoming cable channel "Logo" declares the Late Show "the gayest show on television;" Dave is interrupted by "Gerry the Cicada" Mulligan, who attempts to dance the Lambada. Later, Gerry is invited back onstage to eat actual cicadas with Dave, Paul and bug expert Nate Erwin.

Darrell Hammond, blink-182

Dave announces that he's had another falling-out with CBS, which may or may not give him the justification to mock the network again; hundreds of sailors walk onstage for "Is This Anything?"; Darrell Hammond performs his best impressions, plus a new imitation of Senator John Kerry.

Andy Dick, Bob Woodward

A 1 1/2 pound Porterhouse steak is subjected to "Will It Float?" and despite Dave's scientific argument that a dead animal would more than likely float in water, the meat sinks. Also, Bob Woodward discusses his new book and recent interview with George Bush.

Bill Murray, P.J. Harvey

Dave brags about his Indy 500 win last week; Alan's recap of the first game of the NBA Finals turns into a striptease; Bill Murray announces that he's now moonlighting as a circus clown, wearing an outfit to prove it.

Bette Midler, David Tidmarsh

In honor of one of tonight's guests (a spelling bee champ), Dave mentions that the most commonly used word in the English language is "biscuit"; a new game called "Cicada/Secada" is botched by Rupert's revealing of the game-board; Bette Midler promotes The Stepford Wives and discusses the joy of bowling.

Buddy Rice, Christopher Walken, Kid Rock

Dave and Paul have a heated discussion over who would win a fight- "badass" Kid Rock or "nerves of steel" Buddy Rice; during Mailbag, Biff goes to Wisconsin to help out a law student, and ends up smashing a bottle over the kid's head; Dave tries on a racing helmet given to him by 2004 Indy 500 winner Buddy Rice.

Matthew Broderick, Jamie Cullum

In honor of his death earlier that day, Paul and the band performs Ray Charles' "What'd I Say"; Dave sends Matthew Broderick outside to get hosed with water; jazz pianist Jamie Cullum performs "All at Sea."

P. Diddy, Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan comments on married life and becoming a father for the first time. Also, Paul Anka delivers Paul's cape for this Friday night James Brown homage, then in honor of the retirement of the long-standing gag, performs a parody of "My Way."

Paris Hilton, Patti Scalfa

Dave shows us another photo of Harry; Paris Hilton discusses The Simple Life and her now-infamous sex tape; Patti Scialfa (Mrs. Bruce Springsteen) performs "23rd Street Lullaby."

Ben Stiller, Beastie Boys

To further promote Popeye's Green Beans, Dave and Paul eat Popeye's chicken and give fun facts; Ben Stiller attempts to break windows across the street with a dodge-ball, but ends up falling off the building.

Chauncey Billups, Dana Carvey, Wilco

Vince Vaughn, Margaret Cho

Michael Moore, Jennifer Hawkins, Los Lobos

Michael Moore discusses his infamous speech at the 2003 Oscars and promotes Fahrenheit 9/11; Dave tries on Miss Universe's sash and tiara; Los Lobos performs "Charmed."

Larry Brown, Sean Hayes, Phish

Throughout the night, George Clarke eats fish sticks on the roof to honor a certain band performing on the marquee; for the third night in a row, Dave shows (well-edited) footage of a guy cheating on Jeopardy; Phish performs "Scents and Subtle Sounds" and unwittingly stops traffic in the process.

Kevin Kline, Nicole Richie

Dave announces that he and Paul will be in this weekend's Gay Pride parade; past contestant Jennie Ford plays "Super Trump or Monkey;" Ken Griffey, Jr. presents the Top Ten; Nicole Richie (reality star and adopted daughter to Lionel Richie) tells Dave how she conquered heroin addiction.

David Alan Grier, Britton Keeshan, the Von Bondies

Kid Inventors, Shawn Wayans, Secret Machines

During a "New Products" segment, Dave sinks his teeth into some charcoal briquets, which he swallows with mouthwash. Also, The Secret Machines (in their TV debut) perform "Now Here to Nowhere."

Bonnie Hunt, Dylan Moran

"Know Your Current Events" is played for the first time in over six months; Dave spills coffee on his lap, and Paul suggests hydrogen peroxide to clean it off; "Dwight the Troubled Teen" breaks character to remind people not to download illegally.

Piedmont Bird Callers, Kirsten Dunst, Chris Robinson

Dave admits that after spending all weekend watching documentaries about building motorcycles, he wants a hog for himself. At the end of the show, Dave forms a motorcycle "gang" with Paul, Dave Dorsett, and Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes.

Keira Knightly, Joseph Wilson

A husband and wife combo plays the "Late Show Bill Clinton Memoir Challenge," in which they must find the name "Monica" in his new book within thirty seconds. Later, Pat and Kenny recreate Oprah's recent interview with the former president.

Ethan Hawke, Jon Heder

Dave turns on the hose-cam again, shooting water at unsuspecting passersby; during Mailbag, Dave shows footage from the new Spiderman movie (actually the classic 60's cartoon) of Doc Ock torturing Spidey with a clip from the Late Show; Jon Heder promotes Napoleon Dynamite.

Will Ferrell, Dashboard Confessional

Two lumberjacks compete against each other out on 53rd Street, while Will Ferrell shows Dave a home movie of his four-month-old "baby" (a sports car).

Christina Applegate, David Sedaris

The musical talents of Paul, Felecia, and Bruce are laid to waste once more on "Stump the Band"; "Fat Spider-Man" (George Clarke) presents a remote Top Ten; David Sedaris reads an except from his new book, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.

Kristin Davis, Ali G

In the debut edition of "Where They Would Have Gone For Their Summer Vacation," Biff tells Dave that Charles Bronson would've gone to Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut; Jeopardy! super-contestant Ken Jennings presents the Top Ten; Dave admits to Kristen Davis that he was "watching hard" while viewing Sex & the City reruns on TBS.

Will Smith, Jet

Dave continues to discuss motorcycles; Alan's baseball commentary is interrupted by the return of that guy who used to beat the daylights out of him several years back; to prove some sort of point, Will Smith sticks his butt in Dave's face.

Hilary Duff, Jonathan Ames

Dave compares President Bush to Porky Pig; during Mailbag, a young, fairweather Letterman fan is thrown out of the theater; Hilary Duff promotes A Cinderella Story.

Cedric the Entertainer, Laird Hamilton

Julianna Marguiles, Bob Sarlatte, Ashlee Simpson

Audience Show & Tell: Dave chats with a meteorologist from Connecticut who was once mentioned on "Know Your Current Events." Also, Dorothy celebrates her 83rd birthday with a Dave stand-in and a refrigerator full of Red Bull and vodka.

Denzel Washington, Jim Rome

Dave gloats over Rahal/Letterman Racing's visit to the White House earlier in the day; three stagehands attempt to smear a camera lens with sunscreen from 90 feet above street level; Denzel Washington promotes The Manchurian Candidate.

Halley Berry, Maria Mena

In honor of the 35th anniversary of the moonwalk, it's time for a new game at Hello Deli called "Would You Like to Plant a Flag on the Moon?" Rupert brings in a contestant from Yukon, Oklahoma, and Dave gives her a hard time about it.

Sharon Stone, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Matt Damon, Carmelo Anthony, The Hives

We watch news footage of Pete Rose's restaurant being looted of everything except a Late Show t-shirt; while addressing the Sandy Berger controversy, Dave unwittingly spits on Tony; The Hives perform "Walk Idiot Walk."

Brittany Murphy, Paula Poundstone

An audience member from Cincinnati suspends a grape in air by blowing on it; Dave comments on Krispy Kreme's new doughnut shake, followed by a fake ad for Burger King's new liquid Whopper; Britney Murphy and Dave pinky-swear; troubled comedienne Paula Poundstone jokes about her time in detox.

Holly Hunter, US Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team

John McEnroe, Zach Braff

With the Olympics approaching, Dave reminds the audience that he's on steroids; a standby audience member calls up Regis and tells him to shove it; Biff makes his second report from Boston; Dave scratches his chin in a borderline-offensive manner.

Bob Newhart, 213 with Snoop Dogg

A remarkably ornery Dave attempts to apologize to Regis via telephone but hangs up on him, then answers every question on CBS Mailbag with a resilient "who cares?" Also, Bob Newhart discusses the statue built in honor of him in Chicago and then does a fairly decent impression of Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Natalie Portman, Ambulance LTD

Biff tries unsuccessfully to interview Michael Moore; Natalie Portman talks about sleeping with her dog Charlie; Ambulance Ltd. performs "Primative."

Rosie Perez, Greg Giraldo

Anton (still filling in for Paul) plays "Will It Float?" for the first time; Rosie Perez tells a funny story about an actor who spits when he speaks; Alan Kalter asks Dave to talk about his latest love of his life, then gets beaten up by the women's brother.

Pamela Anderson, Al Franken

The guest chairs are replaced and Dave's desk has been altered; during "Who Asked For It?" an audience member vaporizes himself; Pamela Anderson brags about having sex without dating.

Bill Clinton, Natalie Merchant

Former President Clinton discusses a wide variety of topics with Dave, then signs a copy of his book for Harry. Also, Natalie Merchant performs "Sally Ann."

Tom Cruise, Dax Shepard

Michael Bearden and Anton continue to fill in for Paul, prompting Dave to ask Anton how Paul would respond to some of his comments tonight; during Mailbag, Pat Farmer determines the length of a "New York Minute" but ends up getting robbed and beaten instead; "Tom Ridge" (Gerard) discusses homeland security, then breaks into song; Tom Cruise promotes Collateral.

Gerard Mulligan, Jada Pinkett Smith, Jessica Simpson

Dave bids farewell to longtime writer Gerard Mulligan with a sitdown interview and a clip montage heavy on NBC-era footage.

Tommy Franks, Greg Giraldo