Late Show with David Letterman Season 16, Episode 13: Paris Hilton, Usain Bolt, Morningwood

Nicolas Cage, Anna Torv, Terrence Howard

Nicolas Cage, Anna Torv, and Terrence Howard are the scheduled guests.

Dr. Phil McGraw, Tilda Swinton, Tricky

Dr. Phil McGraw, Tilda Swinton, and Tricky are the scheduled guests.

Robin Williams, Shannen Doherty, Duffy

Following the previous night's acceptance speech, Dave admits to underestimating Gov. Sarah Palin; Andy Kindler makes his last report from the GOP convention in Minneapolis; Robin Williams throws in his two cents on the election; Shannen Doherty plugs the new 90210 and describes surviving the Southern California mudslides; Duffy performed "Warwick Avenue."

John Malkovich, Hayden Panettiere, Steve Earle

John Malkovich, Hayden Panettiere, and Steve Earle are the scheduled guests.

Keira Knightley, Thomas L. Friedman

Keira Knightley and Thomas L. Friedman are the scheduled guests.

Jada Pinkett Smith, Chris Russo, Michael Buble

Jada Pinkett-Smith, Chris Russo, and Michael Buble are the scheduled guests. Plus, the second annual NASCAR Top Twelve!

Sen. Barack Obama, LeBron James

Sen. Barack Obama and LeBron James are the scheduled guests.

Jessica Simpson, Jack Hanna

Jessica Simpson and Jack Hanna are the scheduled guests.

Meg Ryan, Ricky Gervais

Throughout the night, Olympic high-jumpers strut their stuff out on 53rd Street; Dave reads from the "Late Show Fun Facts" book, in stores next week; in her first LSDL appearance in seven years, Meg Ryan plugs The Women and shares an anecdote about her daughter; Ricky Gervais promotes Ghost Town and describes doing press junkets for the movie.

Bill Clinton, Chris Rock

Former President William Jefferson Clinton and Chris Rock are the scheduled guests.

Julianne Moore, Tom Dreesen & Tim Reid, Kings of Leon

Lyle the Intern fails to convince Dave to join his latest scam; Julianne Moore discusses her trip to Brazil and plugs Blindness; Tim Reid and Tom Dreesen do stand-up; Kings of Leon performed "Sex on Fire."

Keith Olbermann, Chandra Wilson, Delta Goodrem

Keith Olbermann, Chandra Wilson, Delta Goodrem

Lance Armstrong, Kristen Wiig, TV on the Radio

Lance Armstrong, Kristen Wiig, TV on the Radio

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Cera, Pete Seeger

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Cera, Pete Seeger

Anne Hathaway, Josette Sheeran, The Virgins

Anne Hathaway, Josette Sheeran, The Virgins

Kate Walsh, Barry Sonnenfeld, Darius Rucker

Calista Flockhart, Bill Hader, Lucinda Williams

Brian Williams, Tim Robbins

Dave comments on the previous night's vice-presidential debate, which is followed by a string of Unfair Edits; NBC anchorman Brian Williams also throws in his two cents; Tim Robbins talks baseball, shares a story about Paul Newman, and plugs City of Ember.

Russell Crowe, Sarah Vowell, The Pretenders

Debra Messing, John Carter, Tegan & Sara

Dave presents the (fake) opening credits of the second presidential debate, which closely resemble Magnum P.I.; Debra Messing plugs "The Starter Wife" and takes a jab at Sarah Palin; Alan's tour of the Late Show control room is sabotaged; Alianca da Terra founder John Carter discusses the plight of the Amazon rainforest; Tegan and Sara performed "Call It Off."

Dennis Quaid, Sarah Chalke, Buddy Guy

Bill Murray, Beck

Michael Bearden fills in for Paul; a man wanders onstage to get his copy of the Fun Facts book autographed; Bill Murray promotes City of Ember and conducts a town hall debate; Beck performed "Gamma Ray."

Jeremy Piven, Elizabeth Banks, Lou Reed

Tonight on "Late Show Green Tips," Chris and Gerard show off their new hybrid; Jeremy Piven discusses winning his third Emmy; Alan has a few words to say to Gov. Sarah Palin; Elizabeth Banks plugs W.; Lou Reed performed "Caroline Says, Part 2."

Sarah Silverman, the Teutuls, Ra Ra Riot

Josh Brolin, Amy Sedaris, Blues Traveler

Martin Short, Marv Albert

Sen. John McCain, Ne-Yo

Tina Fey, Frank Caliendo, Tim Montana

Bill O'Reilly, Lauren Conrad

Bill O'Reilly and Lauren Conrad are the scheduled guests.

Regis Philbin, James Taylor

Regis Philbin and James Taylor are the scheduled guests.

Alec Baldwin, Paul Mooney, Ryan Adams

Alec Baldwin, Paul Mooney, and Ryan Adams & The Cardinals are the scheduled guests.

Ashley Olsen, Paul Rudd, John Legend

"New Halloween Costumes" include Sarah Palin's passport, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, Amy Winehouse's hair, and an oversized copy of the Fun Facts book; Cole Hamels of the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies reads the Top Ten; John Legend performed "I Love, You Love."

Marcia Cross, Alan Zweibel

Marcia Cross, Alan Zweibel, and George Clinton are the scheduled guests.

Paris Hilton, Elvis Costello, Jenny Lewis, a Top Ten List by Ricky Gervais

Paris Hilton, Elvis Costello, and Jenny Lewis are the scheduled guests. Plus, a Top Ten from Ricky Gervais!

Tom Brokaw, Vera Farmiga

Dave shares a few thoughts on election night; an audience member panics when he realizes he forgot to vote; Tom Brokaw promotes his best-selling book, "Boom!"; a very pregnant Vera Farmiga plugs The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.

Ben Stiller, Q-Tip

Ben Stiller and Q-Tip the scheduled guests. Plus, the Kid Scientists of Naperville, IL!

Natalie Portman, Artie Lange, Brad Paisley

Alec Baldwin endorses the Fun Facts book; Natalie Portman discusses campaigning for President-elect Obama; Bill Scheft begs the new president to make an ass of himself; Artie Lange plugs his new book; Brad Paisley performed a cover of The Cars' "Good Times Roll."

Ted Turner, Jamie Oliver, Taylor Swift

Ted Turner, Jamie Oliver, and Taylor Swift are the scheduled guests.

Don Rickles, Amy Brenneman, Alicia Keys

Dave shows a clip of King Tut's mummy appearing on Maury; NFL superstar Terrell Owens presents the Top Ten; the legendary Don Rickles plugs his new book and riffs on marriage and growing old; Alicia Keys performed "The Thing About Love."

Russell Brand, Charlie Haden

Russell Brand and Charlie Haden are the scheduled guests. Plus, Stupid Human Tricks!

Bruce Willis, Sia

Bruce Willis and Sia are the scheduled guests.

Bill Cosby, Matt Braunger

A plug for Tribute Bands Week; Bill Cosby does some stand-up, promotes the "Cosby Show" complete series DVD set and comments on the election; The Answer (making their American TV debut) performed "Never Too Late."

Emma Thompson, Michelle Felicetta, Purple Reign

Emma Thompson and fox attack survivor Michelle Felicetta are the scheduled guests. Plus, Day 1 of "Tribute Band Week" with Purple Reign!

Carla Bruni Sarkozy, Jack Hanna, Cold Hard Cash

With First Lady of France Carla Bruni Sarkozy on the show, Dave wonders if he'll accidentally start an international incident; Lyle the Intern and his pal "Rudy" (Joe Grossman) promote their internet show; Jack Hanna brings out a baby kangaroo, an aardvark, and a macaque; on Day 2 of Tribute Band Week, The Cold Hard Cash Show performed "Folsom Prison Blues."

Katie Couric, Dev Patel, Mr. Brownstone

Day 3 of "Tribute Band Week" with Mr. Brownstone. Plus, Katie Couric!

Stephen Colbert, Kristen Stewart, Super Diamond

Stephen Colbert and Kristen Stewart are the scheduled guests.

James Franco, Bruce McCall, The Allstarz

James Franco and Bruce McCall are the scheduled guests. Plus, Day 5 of "Tribute Band Week" with The Allstarz!

Nicole Kidman, Simon Baker, Kanye West

Nicole Kidman, Simon Baker, and Kanye West are the scheduled guests.

Reese Witherspoon, Harry Connick Jr.

Dave calls out Tony for making him read the same monologue joke twice; after President Bush pardoned 14 convicted felons that week, Dave and Alan grant clemency to an audience member; Reese Witherspoon relives her 2005 Oscar win and plugs Four Christmases; Harry Connick Jr. performs "It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

Teri Hatcher, Ludacris

Teri Hatcher, Ludacris, and T-Pain are the scheduled guests.

Denis Leary, John Mayer

Denis Leary and John Mayer are the scheduled guests. Plus, Dave's Mom and the 16th annual pie-guessing contest!

Tom Arnold, Faith Hill

Bruce Willis promotes the Fun Facts book, declaring the tome "Yippee-ki-larious, mother****er!"; Tom Arnold laments the failure of his third marriage and plugs Gardens of the Night; Dave chats with a grouchy CBS Store employee (Johnny Dark); Faith Hill and the Morgan State University Choir performed "Little Drummer Boy."

Jennifer Connelly, Anderson Cooper, The Duke Spirit

Jennifer Connelly, Anderson Cooper, and The Duke Spirit are the scheduled guests. Plus, a special Top Ten from the Ball State University football team!

Amy Adams, Michael Sheen, Jamey Johnson

Amy Adams, Michael Sheen, and Jamey Johnson are the scheduled guests.

Keanu Reeves, Paula Abdul, Loudon Wainwright III

Keanu Reeves, Paula Abdul, and Loudon Wainwright III are the scheduled guests.

Sen. John McCain, Bon Iver

Sen. John McCain and Bon Iver are the scheduled guests.

Meryl Streep, Jeff Altman

In need of a pick-me-up, Dave repeats the sneezing monkey clip; a bronchitis-stricken Meryl Streep promotes Doubt; Dave's old buddy Jeff Altman does a few impressions.

Adam Sandler

Adam Sandler is the scheduled guest. Plus, a Holiday Toy Demo!

Tom Cruise, Fall Out Boy

Tom Cruise and Fall Out Boy are the scheduled guests.

Jennifer Aniston, Broken Social Scene

Jennifer Aniston and Broken Social Scene are the scheduled guests, and a special top ten list with Jim Carrey.

Will Smith, Of Montreal

Will Smith and Of Montreal are the scheduled guests.

Jerry Seinfeld, Leona Lewis

Jerry Seinfeld and Leona Lewis are the scheduled guests.

Dustin Hoffman, Todd Rundgren

Dustin Hoffman and Todd Rundgren guest. PLUS: An Apology from Bernie Madoff; Coach Mike Singletary; the Bitter Cold Hits the "Today" Show; the Al Qaeda Holiday Party; and a Top Ten List.

Jay Thomas, Mickey Rourke, Darlene Love

Mickey Rourke; Jay Thomas; and Darlene Love. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a sneezing monkey; a top ten list; Holiday Quarterback Challenge; and Paul Shaffer's does Cher's "O Holy Night."

Tracy Morgan, Matt Braunger

Dave shows a (phony) clip of Larry King interviewing the shoe that was thrown at President Bush; Tracy Morgan jokes about his recent legal troubles; Dave asks Paul about how he spent his Christmas; "MADtv" star Matt Braunger makes his television stand-up debut.

Kate Hudson, Glasvegas

Kate Hudson; and Glasvegas. PLUS: CNN Clip of the Night; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Homeland Security USA; Changes in the Late Show 2009; the President defends his record; Regis in high-def; a top ten list; Dave's resolutions; and Biff still celebrating.

Kevin James, Becky Quick, Erin McCarley

Dave delivers a pizza to an audience member, but she's too excited to eat it; Dave reads the "Top Ten Questions"; Kevin James plugs Paul Blart: Mall Cop and discusses his weight problem; another chat with CBS store employee "Stanley Kronkite" (Johnny Dark); "Squawk Box" host Becky Quick analyzes the Bernie Madoff controversy; Erin McCarley performed "Love, Save the Empty."

Ricky Gervais, Rose Byrne, Okkervil River

Ricky Gervais; Rose Byrne; and Okkervil River. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Ball State at the GMAC Bowl; what's popular on the Monkey Channel; the White House lunch; a top ten list; and the guy who was hanging bare-assed from a ski lift.

Kate Winslet, Marv Albert

Kate Winslet; and Marv Albert. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Front Page of the New York Post; Regis in High-Def; and a Top Ten List.

Kiefer Sutherland, Wendy Liebman

Kiefer Sutherland; and Wendy Liebman. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a monkey sneezing; a squid sneezing; Dick Cheney Lie Count; Governor Bill Richardson; Late Show Fun Facts; Alan Kalter's Guide to the Inauguration; and a top ten list.

Billy Crystal, Kara DioGuardi

Billy Crystal; and Kara DioGuardi. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; an Odd Blagojevich Press Conference; 49er Coach Mike Singletary; and a Top Ten List with Owen Wilson from Maui, Hawaii.

Salma Hayek, Jimmie Walker

Salma Hayek; and Jimmie Walker. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; phone call for David Letterman; little known things about the Bush Administration; Dave's Cocoa Guy; a message from Late Show writer Bill Scheft; and a special Top Ten from baseball's newest Hall of Fame inductees, Jim Rice and Rickey Henderson.

Clint Eastwood, Randy Rogers Band

Clint Eastwood; and Randy Rogers Band. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; The 9th Anniversary of Dave's Quintuple; and Alan Kalter's Celebrity Interview.

Kyra Sedgwick, Gwen Ifill

Kyra Sedgwick; and Gwen Ifill. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; George W. Bush cleaning his glasses; Inauguration Day Plans; filling in for Osama bin Laden; and Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan drop in uninvited.

Zach Braff, Arj Barker, The Airborne Toxic Event

Zach Braff; Arj Barker; and The Airborne Toxic Event. PLUS: Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; "Bride Wars"; Mystery Sound in Space; Alan Kalter's How It Works; and a Late Show Farewell to Great Moments in Presidential Speeches.

Brian Williams, Ben Kweller

Evangeline Lilly, Seth Meyers, Andrew Bird

Lauren Graham, Guy Fieri, MENEW

Renee Zellweger, Tony Dungy, Graham Nash sits in with the band

Mary Hicks, the Gaslight Anthem

Ben Roethlisberger, Steve Martin

Rod Blagojevich, Richard Jenkins

Joe Torre, Demetri Martin, Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt

Isla Fisher, extreme fisherman Matt Watson, Mark Olson and Gary Louris, a Top Ten List presented by Lil' Wayne

Dakota Fanning, Keith Alberstadt, Beirut

Naomi Watts, Danny McBride, 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover reveal

The crew of US Airways "Miracle On The Hudson" Flight 1549, Heartless Bastards

Joaquin Phoenix, Bar Refaeli, Anthony Hamilton

Chris Russo, the Jonas Brothers, Ashford & Simpson

Martha Stewart, Jake Johannsen, Matt Nathanson

Ellen Pompeo, Daytona 500 winner Matt Kenseth, Willie Nelson with Asleep at the Wheel

Bonnie Hunt, M. Ward

Donald Trump, Antony and the Johnsons

David Spade, Jeffrey Sachs, David Sanborn with Sam Moore

Barbara Walters, Mike Birbiglia, Shemekia Copeland

Katie Couric, U2

Felicity Huffman, Artie Lange, U2

Dr. Phil McGraw, U2

Jon Stewart, U2, a Top Ten List featuring 10 Team USA members from the World Baseball Classic

Jon Stewart is scheduled to appear. Plus, Day 4 of U2 Week!

Jason Segel, Brian Kiley, U2

Russell Brand, Jack Hanna

Stupid Pet Tricks, Paul Rudd, Razorlight

Tom Brokaw, An Horse

Andy Samberg, Paul Teutul Sr., the Broadway cast of "West Side Story"

Will Ferrell, Cursive

Nicolas Cage, Rachel Maddow

Julia Roberts, Bell X1

Craig Ferguson, Ginnifer Goodwin, Modest Mouse

Billy Crystal, Kara DioGuardi, a Top Ten List presented by Owen Wilson

After discussing Bruce Willis' wedding at length, Dave mentions that he married his longtime girlfriend in a private ceremony this past weekend, than explains all the obstacles he faced on the way to the courthouse; an update on George Clarke and the Late Show Weight Loss Challenge; Hugh Laurie plugs Monsters vs. Aliens; Sarah Paulson does impressions; Bloc Party performed "One Month Off."

David Spade, Richard Zoglin, David Sanborn and Sam Moore

Via videotape, Osama bin Laden congratulates Dave on his marriage to Regina; tonight on "At Home with the Madoffs," Bernie and Ruth watch TV; Mary Tyler Moore plugs her autobiography and shares an embarassing story about Ed Asner; Blake Lively talks about her maltipoo; White Lies performed "To Lose My Life."

Hugh Laurie, Bloc Party

Mary Tyler Moore, Blake Lively, White Lies

Christina Applegate, Jim Gaffigan, Jesse Harris with Norah Jones

Seth Rogen, Tom Dreesen, Adele

Following the monologue, two goons walk off with Tony, claiming he's been adopted by Madonna; in lieu of Biff, Andy Kindler makes the annual trip to Yankees Spring Training; champion grocery-bagger Francisco Palacios puts Dave to shame in a face-off; Marg Helgenberger talks about her first job; Ray LaMontagne performed "You Are The Best Thing."

Bill O'Reilly, Marianne Faithfull

Marg Helgenberger, Francisco Palacios, Ray LaMontagne

Michael J. Fox, the Fray

Denis Leary, Diana Krall

Zac Efron, Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg, A.C. Newman with Nicole Atkins

Kelly Ripa, Bill Scheft, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Drew Barrymore, Jack McBrayer, Neko Case

Matthew Perry, Elisha Cuthbert, Rascal Flatts

Russell Crowe, Joe Wong

Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Dunham

Nathan Lane, Tinted Windows

Beyonce, Jim Parsons

Jamie Foxx, Lauren Conrad, the Dead

Michael Keaton, Lily Allen

Matthew Fox, Carol Leifer, the All-American Rejects, a Top Ten List presented by Matthew Stafford

Dolly Parton, Zachary Quinto

Jennifer Garner, Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk, Manchester Orchestra

Regis Philbin, a performance by the Broadway cast of "Hair"

Kiefer Sutherland, Jim Norton, Bat for Lashes

Gordon Ramsay, Chris Pine, Keri Hilson with Kanye West

Liev Schreiber, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Franz Ferdinand

Bruce Willis, Ben Harper & Relentless7

Norm MacDonald, a Top Ten List presented by Leonard Nimoy, Animal Collective

Matthew Broderick, Brian Regan, Chris Cornell

Tom Hanks, the Killers

Alec Baldwin, Maya Rudolph, Chrisette Michele

Robin Williams, Wynton Marsalis

Kid Scientists, Teri Hatcher, Rick Ross with Magazeen, a Top Ten List presented by Ron Howard

John Goodman, Tommy Tiernan, Mastodon

Ben Stiller, White Rabbits

Jane Fonda, Piedmont Bird Callers, Kenny Chesney

Stephen Colbert, General Motors Vice Chairman Bob Lutz, Grizzly Bear

Amy Sedaris, Ed Helms, Jean Redpath

Ricky Gervais, Green Day

Bill Cosby, Helio Castroneves, Melody Gardot

Jack Hanna, John Krasinski

Jessica Biel, Zach Galifianakis, Steve Earle

Elvis Costello, a Top Ten List presented by Neil Patrick Harris

Paris Hilton, Calvin Borel, Steven Wright

Howard Stern, Mos Def

Julia Roberts, Black Eyed Peas

Kathy Griffin, Stupid Human Tricks, Sonic Youth, an NBA Finals report by Phoenix Suns' Steve Nash

Denzel Washington, the Jonas Brothers, a Top Ten List with Regis Philbin

Sandra Bullock, Pete Correale, P.J. Harvey & John Parish

Jack Black, M.A. Sanjayan

Michelle Pfeiffer, Judah Friedlander, Ian McLagan & the Bump Band

Ryan Reynolds, Padma Lakshmi, the Eels

Danny DeVito, Bear Grylls, Phoenix

Dave welcomes the star of the FX network comedy, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", Danny Devito. Topics include Danny's now infamous Youtube moment when it appeared he was drunk on the set. He claims he wasn't. Later, star of the Discovery Channel/Science Channel series, "Man vs. Wild", Bear Grylis stops by to discuss his series upcoming episode with superstar Will Farrell. Phoenix is the Musical Guest.

Jada Pinkett Smith, Michael Cera, the Sounds

Jada Pinkett-Smith discusses her new role as a doctor in the TnT Tuesday night drama, "Hawthorne" and her oldest son, Jaden's new role in the Karate Kid remake, "Kung Fu Kid". Jada noting that the the family will be living in Hong Kong during the film's production. Michael Cerra discusses his role in the new film, "Year One", also starring Jack Black. Swedish Rock band, The Sounds, are the musical guests.

Samuel L. Jackson, Emeril Lagasse, Iggy Pop & the Brighton Port Authority

Sandra Day O'Connor, MSTRKRFT with John Legend, a Top Ten List presented by Lucas Glover

Ray Romano, St. Vincent

Johnny Depp, Megan Fox

Martin Short, Regina Spektor

Serena Williams, Hayden Panettiere, Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band

Sacha Baron Cohen, Joel McHale

Queen Latifah, Emma Watson

Daniel Radcliffe, Veronika Part, Levon Helm, a Top Ten List presented by Bruno

Rainn Wilson, Larry Miller, Maxwell

Jonah Hill, Gar Ryness, Kelly Clarkson

Edie Falco, Michael Showalter, Wilco with Feist

Paul McCartney, a Top Ten List presented by Bruce Willis

Anderson Cooper, Anna Paquin, Grizzly Bear

Tom Arnold, Metric, a Top Ten List presented by Dave's mom Dorothy

Katherine Heigl, Jeff Altman, Spinnerette

Kevin Spacey, Jesse James, the Flatlanders, a Top Ten List presented by Stewart Cink

Tracy Morgan, Leslie Mann, Diane Birch

Sean "Diddy" Combs, Vera Farmiga, Ginuwine with Missy Elliott

Amy Poehler, Nick Griffin, Judy Collins

Eric Bana, Dave Matthews Band, a Top Ten List presented by Chicago White Sox star Mark Buehrle

Katie Couric, Silversun Pickups

Amy Adams, Tom Dreesen, Elbow

Adam Sandler, Cage the Elephant

Quentin Tarantino, Eric Ripert, and Robert Cray are the scheduled guests.

Regis Philbin, Ted Alexandro, Dave Matthews Band

Quentin Tarantino, Eric Ripert, Robert Cray

Donald Trump, Diane Kruger, Billy Currington, a Top Ten List presented by Britney Spears

Mike Myers, Ken Burns

Anna Wintour, Mark Teixeira

Renee Zellweger, Gary Mule Deer

Mary-Louise Parker, Eugene Levy, and Jet are the scheduled guests.

Christina Applegate, Brendan Benson, Patton Oswalt

Anna Wintour, Mark Teixeira

Mary-Louise Parker, Eugene Levy, Jet

Anne Heche, Jim Parsons, Care Bears on Fire

Andy Roddick, Rachael Ray, Mutemath

Artie Lange, Todd Barry, Imogen Heap