Late Show with David Letterman Season 3, Episode 12: Show #0451

Show #0440

Dave grills his new announcer, making him do voiceovers throughout the show (including #1 on the top ten list).

Show #0441

Tom Snyder wants everybody to know that he does not hold a grudge with Dave. Meanwhile, Alan Kalter continues to get used to his new surroundings.

Show #0442

Charlton Heston plays ""Dave's Boss"" and bullies him mercilessly. Later, Kevin Pollak promotes ""The Usual Suspects.""

Show #0443

Amongst the ""Items Included in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame:"" Stuff found in ZZ Top's beards, a guitar made of David Crosby's old liver, and Marv Albert's Rock & Roll Bloopers, with Hootie (as in Hootie and the Blowfish) getting hit on the head by a basketball. Meanwhile, in order to prepare for an Olympic diver that will be appearing later, Dave recruits Alan and an audience member to get in a tank.

Show #0444

Wesley Snipes promotes ""Money Train,"" then strips to a dress.

Show #0445

A day after the Emmy Awards, Dave tosses donuts into the audience with the new Donut-A-Pult. Quote Dave: ""Now it's really hard to believe we didn't win an Emmy."" Meanwhile, Biff Henderson recites a passage from the Packwood Diaries.

Show #0446

The Donutapult returns, while Dave brings in a cabbie to write a Top Ten list.

Show #0447

While promoting the movie ""Showgirls,"" star Elizabeth Berkeley gives Dave a lap dance.

Show #0448

Gerard, Rupert, and others discuss what they like about Autumn, while Rush Limbaugh introduces a mini-Donutapult.

Show #0449

During CBS Mailbag, Cyndi Lauper sings ""Lactose Intolerant."" Later, the Donutapult makes one last appearance.

Show #0450

Throughout the show, winners of obscure beauty pageants (including ""Miss Peanut"" and ""Miss South Carolina Tobacco"") walk across the stage and escort tonight's guests.

Show #0452

Rudy Guiliani give Dave a key to the city, then takes it back.

Show #0453

Dave gives a three pound ham to an audience member, while ""Friends"" star Courtney Cox launches the ""Donutapult 2000.""

Show #0454

Eddie Jamison (the guy who said ""I Love You, Man!"" in those beer commercials) interrupts the monologue; Doc Severinsen sits in with the band; Mary Tyler Moore accuses Dave of being a brown-noser.

Show #0455

Doc Severinsen is still sitting in; The Delaria Sisters, a group of women who hang by their hair on a pole, demonstrate their skills; Dave chats with a grade-schooler who ran off a burgler.

Show #0456

Dave invites his neighbor Steve over for coffee; Ellen Cleghorne promotes her new sitcom.

Show #0457

13 NYC cab drivers are invited to serve on a mock jury to determine the fate of OJ Simpson. Instead, they're serenaded by Mel Torme.

Show #0458

1995: Uma Thurman joins Geraldo Rivera as the mock jury of cab drivers continues to deliberate, led by foreman Parminder Singh. Dave notes, ""Uma, Parminder; Parminder, Uma.""

Show #0459

Dave introduces ""The Donutapult 2000+,"" which is so big it has to sit out on 53rd Street. Later in the show, it is converted into ""The Melonapult 2000+.""

Show #0460

Amongst the latest ""Back-to-School Items:"" Oreo Cookies with Clearasil Pad Filling, Larry King Ex-Wife Trading Cards, and a Kate Moss Lunchbox. Later, Andy Dick promotes ""Newsradio.""

Show #0461

The cast and crew explains why they're glad the O. J. Simpson trial is over; Julianne Moore promotes ""Safe.""

Show #0462

Pete Fatovich, ""Creepy Dave,"" and Gerard comment on the OJ verdict, while Chazz Palminteri gives an audience member his coat.

Show #0463

Dave's ""younger brother Carl"" sits in on violin; Dave thinks he's on a caffeine buzz.

Show #0464

Show #0465

Dave, Cybill Shepherd, and sports legend Joe Montana throw footballs into cabs on 53rd Street. After repeated attempts, all three find their target at once. Also, Dave announces that tonight's show is in ""actual size.""

Show #0466

Via live remote, Dave asks a customer at a nearby laundromat to take a pair of pants out of the dryer and bring them into the theater for guest Richard Simmons to wear.

Show #0467

Marilyn Horne of the Metropolitan Opera presents the Top Ten; the Rev. Jesse Jackson discusses current events and mentions his son's run for Congress.

Show #0468

During CBS Mailbag, Dave goes sailing with Paul, the models and Bob Denver. Later, William Shatner is beamed out of his seat.

Show #0469

Dave goes to New Jersey to find a date for mailroom employee/superstar extrordinaire Bob Borden. Meanwhile, Paul is missing, so Dave leaves the theater and finds him chatting at a party with Woody Allen.

Show #0470

Dave starts reading the Miranda Rights before realizing he has the wrong index card. He leaves the studio to search for the correct card and finds ""NYPD Blue"" stars Jimmy Smits and Dennis Franz reading the Top Ten List to a captured thug.

Show #0471

Throughout the show, The ""Jimmy Letterman Singers"" sing ""Jimmy."" Later in the show, Dave concedes: ""It sucks, it stinks, it blows; it ain't working.""

Show #0472

Throughout this year's World Series, kid reporter Sparky Mortimer has been making reports from the stadiums in Cleveland and Atlanta. Tonight, he lands a quick interview with Braves owner Ted Turner.

Show #0473

During CBS Mailbag, Paul does a Johnny Carson impression. Later, Dave and Michael Rappaport lather up in order to use the CBS spa.

Show #0474

Dave and Paul recruit a guy named Moe from a delicatessen, and the CBS Orchestra puts together a music video about him. Later, Sparky Mortimer runs the bases at Jacobs Field in Cleveland.

Show #0475

Upon returning to NYC, Dave gives Sparky a pat on the back for a job well done; Casey Kasem introduces Wayne Hazeltine and the Pants Across America Tour; Carol Burnett takes off her skirt.

Show #0476

A pumpkin launcher is demonstrated on 53rd Street, while The Pants Across America tour stops at St. Louis.

Show #0477

Casey Kasem and the Pants Across America tour reports from Mount Rushmore, while up and coming actress Claire Danes introduces one of her favorite bands, UB40.

Show #0478

Carol Channing harasses Dave during CBS Mailbag; the tour hits the Grand Canyon.

Show #0479

Tonight on the ""Pants Across America"" tour, Casey Kasem is in Las Vegas, listening to an Elvis impersonator perform ""Burning Love.""

Show #0480

Show #0481

Television City Studios, Day 2: Danny DeVito and Dave get into the stage pool and have a water fight. Meanwhile, Tony Mendez continues his cameo appearances on TV shows; tonight he's seen in clips from ""Friends"" and ""Grace Under Fire.""

Show #0482

From Los Angeles: Alka Seltzer® is inserted into the backdrop pool; Demi Moore presents ""The Top Ten Least Popular Stripper Names;"" Green Day performs ""86.""

Show #0483

Red Hot Chili Peppers – ""My Friends""

Show #0484

Show #0485

Biff interrupts Dave's opening remarks and asks for water. Out runs NYC marathon winner German Silva with his drink. Later, Bill Murray cooks toast, and Silver runs by again to pick it up.

Show #0486

Dave uses the speaker phone to get someone to bring him pizza. Later, thirty folks show up with boxes, and slices are handed out to the audience. Also, the United States is in the middle of a government shutdown, so Dave calls the Pentagon, misdials, finally gets an answering machine, and hangs up. A stagehand gives him an ax, cuts the phone cord, and hands the phone to an audience member.

Show #0487

Elton John promotes and sings two songs from his latest album, ""Made In England.""

Show #0488

An audience guy holds cue cards in place of Tony (he's sick), while Sean Penn promotes ""Dead Man Walking.""

Show #0489

The Presidents of the United States of America perform their breakthrough hit, ""Toad.""

Show #0490

Dave sends mailroom dude/budding diva Bob Borden to Washington as a White House correspondent.

Show #0491

Dave asks folks on the street (including a poorly disguised Michael J. Fox) what they think of the federal budget crisis; Bob Borden makes his first report from DC.

Show #0492

Amongst what's ""New for the Holidays"": Gingerbread Rats, Howard Stern's book ""Miss America"" read by James Earl Jones, and Kreskin guessing the weight of turkeys. Also, Bob Borden interrogates Larry King.

Show #0493

Dave gives a turkey to a lady in the audience, then takes a turkey to the balcony with the help of a ladder; throughout the night, celebrities mention what they're thankful for; trapeze artists Helen Turkett and Luke Martin perform.

Show #0494

""Soup Nazi"" Ali ""Al"" Yeganeh passes out turkey chili to the audience.

Show #0495

In a sign of future legal trouble, Microsoft owner and multibillionaire Bill Gates tries to fix the Late Show Quiz Machine after it gets stuck displaying the answer ""Windows '95"" in all three boxes. Also, Bob Borden tries with little success to deliver a turkey to President Clinton.

Show #0496

Dave has Paul sit down on the guest chair because it's his birthday. Soon afterwards, the outside cam reveals Dave buying Paul a birthday present from a girl on the street.

Show #0497

Cold Opening: Dave and Creepy Dave go mano a mano in the green room. Also, Dave demonstrates one of the ""Top Ten Changes Westinghouse is Planning for CBS Tonight"" -- he doodles the CBS logo on blank coffee mugs for tonight's guests.

Show #0498

Steve Martin shows up a day early, and Dave can't get him offstage.

Show #0499

After showing a clip from his new movie Father of the Bride, Part 2 on a 16mm film projector, Steve Martin and Dave appear in ""The Making of Steve Martin's Appearance Documentary.""

Bob Hoskins, Martha Stewart, Al Green

Jean Claude Van Damme, Kirstin Dunst, Michael Bolton

Martin Short, Bev Tanner, The Dave Matthews Band

As a tribute to such beloved recurring segments such as ""The Man Under the Seats"" and ""The Fugitive Guy,"" Chris Elliott stars in a short-lived skit ""Cable Pulling Guy;"" Martin Short helps ""baking madwoman"" Bev Tanner make a cake.

Harrison Ford, Bonnie Hunt, Bruce Springsteen

Greg Kinnear, Janeane Garofalo, White Zombie

Kathie Lee Gifford, Aaron Neville

Jack Lemmon, Natalie Merchant

Howard Stern, Melissa Etheridge

Geena Davis, Goo Goo Dolls

After a video montage of the annual eggnog drinking from increasingly larger bowls, Dave and a model hop into a gigantic bowl of the liquid, later joined by Biff and the Goo Goo Dolls.

Rosie O'Donnell, Mike Judge, Darlene Love

Stupid Human Tricks, Julianna Marguiles, Del Amitri

Mandy Patinkin, Terry Gilliam

Robin Williams, Lauren Hutton, Chris Isaak

Susan Sarandon, Drew Carey

Lisa Kudrow, Art Donovan, Blues Traveler

Chevy Chase, Marv Albert, Bruce Hornsby

Tom Brokaw, Greg Fitzsimmons, Faith Hill

Denis Leary, Bridget Hall, Toad the Wet Sprocket

Sam Neill, Itzhak Perlman

Pauly Shore, Ashley Judd

Sandra Bullock, Marlon Wayans, Laurence Tai

Jason Alexander, Elisabeth Shue

Tim Robbins, Justin Wilson, Martina McBride, Norm MacDonald

David Brenner, B.B. King

Mia Farrow, Martin Scorcese, Brandy

Don Rickles, Mary Stuart Masterson, Joe Ely & Todd Snider

CBS President Les Moonves (bogus) takes a moment to comment on Clinton's State of the Union address by singing ""Holding Out for a Hero."" Also, pre-teen sports reporter Sparky Mortimer returns to the show and is given a new assignment- to cover Super Bowl XXX.

Matt Dillon, Reggie Miller, Pam Tillis

Sparky Mortimer makes another amusing -- albeit clumsy -- Super Bowl report; Dave chats with basketball star Reggie Miller.

Conan O'Brian, Mira Sorvino, Seven Mary Three

Richard Simmons, Christine Lahti, Nanci Griffith & the Crickets

Jay Thomas, Larry Miller

Elle MacPherson, David Spade, D'Angelo

Alec Baldwin, Dwight Yoakam, Natalie Portman

Cybill Sheperd, Al Franken, Sati Achath

Jack Hanna, Tammy Faye Messner, Aimee Mann

Joan Collins, Robert Downey Jr., Jean Louisa Kelly

Chuck Norris, Samantha Mathis

Stupid Pet Tricks, Ray Liotta, Soul Asylum

Uma Thurman, Norm MacDonald, Ramones

Dave offers Liz Taylor a riding mower if she'll come on the show; clips from the HBO movie The Late Shift, which Dave calls ""satire;"" The Ramones perform ""She Talks to Rainbows.""

Chris Farley, Gin Blossoms, Joe & Mary Graziano

Adam Sandler, Jackie Chan, Red Hot Chili Peppers

Siskel & Ebert, Neil Diamond, Brandy (the dog)

Tom Arnold, Joan Allen, Lenny Kravitz

Teri Hatcher, Jon Stewart

Kathie Lee Gifford, Gillian Anderson, Cecilia Bartoli

Julia Roberts, James Brown

Larry King, Wynonna

Joan Lunden, Cheri Oteri, Lou Reed

Kid Inventors, Sherry Stringfield, Don Henley

Fran Drescher, Shania Twain, George Miller

Dennis Hopper, Dave Chapelle, Pete Droge

Susan Sarandon, Rob Schneider, Mike Dahm

Kelsey Grammer, Victoria Abril, Allman Brothers

Robin Williams, Patsy Kensit, Spacehog

Sarah Jessica Parker, Treat Williams, Cowboy Junkies

In mock tribute to HBO's ""The Late Shift,"" Dave throws baseballs at an archery target.

Nathan Lane, Steven Wright, Jann Arden

Stupid Human Tricks, Mira Sorvino, k.d. Lang

Dan Rather, Bonnie Hunt, The Tony Rich Project

Dana Carvey, Riverdance

Ricki Lake, William Shatner, Ray Romano

Dave mentions that in between show tapings, an audience guy named Anthony sang ""My Way"" from the balcony. During the taping of this episode, however, Dave invites him to sing it onstage. Also, Dave goes over to Black Rock Bar & Grill to swipe a beverage from Dan Rather.

Mandy Patinkin, Tea Leoni, Collective Soul

Dave stoically mentions that this will be the last night for the current set, and that it will be remodeled during the NCAA Tournament coverage. To commemorate this, at the end of the show, a couple dozen audience members file by the desk to touch Dave.

Barbara Walters, Halle Berry, Ray Charles

As the Ed Sullivan Theater is being renovated, Dave hosts his show from the lobby with only 60 folding chairs set up for the audience. Fire Commissioner Howard Safir oversees the proceedings, while guests Barbara Walters and Halle Berry make their entrances through the theater debris. Dave tells Ray Charles, ""I don't know how to break it to you, but you're in the lobby."" Also, a man-on-the-street segment finds that most New Yorkers are apathetic towards the new set.

Phil Hartman, Rose Hamburger, The Band

After a week of construction, the show's new ""Bridge"" set is unveiled. Dave quickly mentions that he ordered it from a catalog. Martha Stewart honors the occasion by hammering in the last nail. Later, she's seen sanding backstage and, still later, operating a blowtorch.

George Foreman, Naomi Campbell, Tim McGraw

Dave has an extra joke in the monologue, so he and Tony take it over to Conan O'Brien at NBC. Meanwhile, George Foreman breaks a pinata at Hello Deli, in celebration of the unveiling of Rupert's new ""set.""

Don Johnson, Michelle Kwan, No Doubt

Mailbag: Dave goes over to Yankee Stadium and steals home plate. Also, Dave chats with ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson), the president of the New Set Fan Club, and No Doubt performs ""Spiderwebs.""

Nick Turturro, Jenny McCarthy, Stone Temple Pilots

Dana Carvey drops by and receives a piece of the set; The Usual Suspects star Kevin Spacey presents the Top Ten live via satellite; Alan Kalter stars in the new midseason replacement sitcom ""Weird Guy in an Elevator.""

Mary Tyler Moore, Anna Paquin, Mark Knopfler

Dave tricks young Oscar® winner Anna Paquin into getting in a magician's box, claiming he was going to show her a trick. Once he had her locked in, he took off her shoes and tickled her feet!Also, Dave challenges Millionaire Basketball Winner Tom Gates: if he makes his shot onstage, Dave will give him $10,000; if he doesn't, he has to host the show. He misses. So does a very un-athletic Mary Tyler Moore. But Paquin hits, and Dave gives her the $10,000 cash.

Bill Cosby, Anfernee Hardaway, Ray Wold

After Dave promises that the Quiz Machine will never be seen on the show again, he brings out the ""Flagstar 3000,"" a cheap cardboard facade.

Elle MacPherson, Hank Azaria, Cassandra Wilson

Anna Paquin returns to the show two days after the basketball challenge and donates her cash prize to charity. Also, Dave temporarily moves his show to public access, and Laurie Diamond persuades him to return to CBS.

Bill Maher, Michael Lomanaco, Jackson Browne

CBS Mailbag: the Quiz Machine is destroyed (at last!) by a cab, while Tony Randall hides under Dave's desk to protect himself from the government.

David Hyde Pierce, Scott Thompson, Pulp

Dave shows a clip of Marshall Sylver's infomercial, and throughout the night Dave attempts to hypnotize members of the staff. After Dave accidentally puts Biff in a daze, he calls up Sylver to figure out what to do with his entranced stage manager.

Robert Duvall, Amy Brenneman, Tori Amos

After miraculously surviving its attempted demise the previous week, the Quiz Machine is finally destroyed once and for all. Also, ten ballerinas present the Top Ten.

Tony Danza, Lucy Lawless, R. Kelly

Dave begins a new contest: The town that sends the most valuable gifts will be the new Top Ten Home Office. Two huge glass tanks are displayed onstage, each for the two towns in competition. Tonight, Wahoo, Nebraska (the challenger) sends enchiladas, while Grand Rapids (the incumbent) sends a fax from the Governor of Michigan. Not a good start for Grand Rapids. Also, the outside cam visits Sullivan's Bar & Grill next door, and their bartender comes in the theater to pose for a Polaroid picture.

Dan Aykroyd, Louis C.K., Sting

Luciano Pavarotti & Michael Bolton, David Schwimmer, Cynthia Rowley

The Home Office Competition continues: Added to Wahoo's tank is a pizza, a T-shirt, and a birdhouse, while Grand Rapids adds a garment bag; Dave shows another episode of Alan Kalter's mini-sitcom ""Weird Guy in an Elevator""; Luciano Pavarotti and Michael Bolton sing ""Nessun Dorma.""

Tom Brokaw, Blue, Rosanne Cash

Dave appears on the Times Square Jumbotron demanding presents; Dave and Fred Nigro go to Jersey to help with taxes, during which Dave recruits a citizen to stand in for him during an audit; Dave plugs his mother's recently-published cookbook.

Joan Lunden, Nick Faldo, Jewel

An audience member assists in the debut of the Slatstar 2000, while Brett Butler presents the Top Ten.

Mia Farrow, Janeane Garofalo, Hootie & the Blowfish

Mia Farrow reveals that she's addicted to the internet. Carly Simon drops by in mid-interview, and later, both sit in with the CBS Orchestra, with Mia on tambourine and Carly on cowbell.

Samuel Jackson, Jeff Altman, Los Lobos

Dave holds an impromptu auction, while Marshall Sylver hypnotizes more Late Show staffers.

Kids Telling Jokes, Chazz Palminteri, Celine Dion

Wahoo vs. Grand Rapids, Day 9: Wahoo sends two kids, Jeff and Josh Price, to sit in their glass tank. Grand Rapids loses further ground by sending several non-living items. Also, Alan does various random things throughout the night, including reading his turkey pot pie recipe, speaking in a bad French accent, ripping his shirt open, and holding his breath through a commercial break.

Dana Carvey, Robin Quivers, Afghan Wigs

In honor of the recent Sotheby's Auction that featured items once owned by John F. Kennedy, Biff comes stage on Jackie O's (alleged) riding lawnmower; in a pre-taped segment, Dave interviews CBS job applicants, during which he pressures college sophomore Todd Stevens to sing; Nathan Lane appears to show Todd how it's done; Dave leaves the show to have some coffee with a guy named Kenny.

Regis Philbin, Dave's Mom, Peter Berg

Dorothy drops by to promote the cookbook that Dave's been plugging for the last two weeks, and she cooks him his favorite sandwich.

Barbara Walters, Anthony Clark, Van Morrison

At the end of the monologue, a guy dressed up as an Olympic runner bolts across the stage, and later he paces around the backdrop. Also, comedian Anthony Clark promotes his new sitcom Boston Common.

Jeff Goldblum, James Carville, Brooks & Dunn

Tonight's ""What's On Other Channels"" segment includes ""Condom Testing,"" ""The Mexican Navy's New Battleship,"" and ""Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson Video.""

John Malkovich, Jake Johannsen, Pete Townshend

Pat Farmer interrupts the monologue by walking in front of the camera; Marv Albert provides color commentary on tonight's CBS Mailbag; two guys spray each other with fuel at a gas station in Queens.

Rosie O'Donnell, Gwyneth Paltrow, Everclear

The Home Office Contest is over: Wahoo is now the official home office of the Top Ten List, decimating Grand Rapids from the get-go. Also, Everclear performs ""Heartspark Dollarsign.""

Tom Hanks, Steve Young

The Late Show begins a week in San Francisco as Mayor Willie Brown interrupts the show throughout the hour by offering Dave the key to the city, a loaf of sourdough bread, and a stick he found in his yard. Also, Paul composes a music video for cable car operator Luis ""Guido"" Montano, with cameos by Los Lobos, Carly Simon, Hootie & the Blowfish and Celine Dion.

Paul Reiser, Jane Seymour, Keanu Reeves & Dogstar

Frisco, Day 2: Dave gives a bouquet to a 95-year-old lady in the audience; Dave and football great Joe Montana tour the city, where they end up getting ""friendly"" in Alcatraz; Dave checks on the theater in NYC, and finds Clint Eastwood imitating Dave at his desk.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Dean Cain, Elvis Costello

Frisco, Day 3: Sheila E. and Pete Escovido sit in; Dave shows off the 49ers shower curtain he has in the dressing room; Dave orders Rupert to harass people on the street; Dave invites a shaggy-looking guy in the audience (a professor at Stanford, no less) to take a shower during the show.

Eddie Murphy, Paul Doherty, Green Day

From San Francisco: Three audience members receive free hams and souvenir cue cards; Joe Satriani sits in; Dave tells the seals at Fisherman's Wharf to shut up; the San Francisco Giants present the Top Ten; basketballs and melons are rolled down Fillburn Street, the steepest in the city.

Don Johnson, Jeremiah Tower, Alice in Chains

Frisco, Day 5: The Alcatraz mock-up in the backdrop is subject to a jailbreak; Dave hangs out with a local hippie, thus introducing the world (not to mention fleeting fame) to one Manny Papp; Dave loses a blue card, and then finds it inside a crab at Fisherman's Wharf; Manny meets his hero, John Popper of Blues Traveler.

Anjelica Huston, Paul Hogan, Natalie Merchant

Dave quizzes the audience on his week in San Francisco, during which Gene Siskel runs onstage looking for Roger Ebert. Later in the show, he gives up on his search, then relaunches his film review program as ""Siskel and DeForest."" Also, Natalie Merchant sings ""Jealousy.""

Jon Stewart, Kirstin Dunst, Dog's Eye View

Manny the Hippie gives his first live remote from San Francisco, as Dave asks him to give periodic reviews on current movies. Tonight, he reviews Twister, which he personally didn't care for.

Jeff Foxworthy, Flyball Dogs, Joan Osborne

Junior Brown sits in, and Dave tries on his very unique hat. Also, a guy dressed up as Ronald McDonald gives Dave the Top Ten, and later he is found lying dead in the street.

Walter Cronkite, Harry Hill, Spin Doctors

During Mailbag, Tony sits in for Dave while Dave sits in for Alan saying ""letter number two,"" which leads into a question about lawn care; comedian Harry Hill tells jokes about Cher, The A-Team, and his grandmother's funeral; Spin Doctors perform ""She Used to Be Mine.""

Helen Hunt, Dave Matthews Band

For no apparent reason, Dave orders Tony to take a taxi; Manny the Hippie presents the Top Ten; a dentist checks out a weird whistling noise coming out of Dave's mouth when he speaks.

Fran Drescher, Brian Regan, Joan Jett

Two audience guys go outside to monitor the temperature, and given their meteorological expertise, are ordered to stand next to a giant thermometer.

John Goodman, Norm MacDonald, Patty Loveless

It's time for a new game called ""May We Turn Your Pants into Shorts?"" Dave is the first to mutilate his slacks, and is followed by Paul, Biff, John Goodman, and Norm MacDonald, who was already wearing shorts.

Stupid Human Tricks, Brett Butler, Al Green

Dave shows a clip of his favorite moment from last night's show: Biff doing a quadruple take upon seeing Dave's slacks getting cut at the knee; Dave's contact lens fall out, so he wears his glasses for half the show; Brett Butler performs a Stupid Human Trick.

Leslie Nielsen, Daphne Zuniga, Bring in Da Funk

Dave's jacket is stain by coffee, so he throws it into the balcony; an ""unknown guest"" crashes the show; Leslie Nielsen promotes Spy Hard.

Kid Inventors, Dennis Quaid, Seven Mary Three

Dave and Conan O'Brien get ""Bob Dole Is Old"" jokes from the joke storeroom in the basement of the Ed Sullivan Theater. Also, Dave invites several staffers (including then-intern Stephanie Birkett) to discuss their dreams at a local steakhouse.

Martin Short, Jimmy Vassar, Bryan Adams

Live via satellite in San Francisco, Manny the Hippie reviews the film ""Spy Hard"": ""It's schwiggity schwag!"" Also, ""She Loves Me"" week begins with Martin Short, who performs this song, hanging on to the last note while leaving the theater, grabbing a soda at the Hello Deli, getting a massage, and returning to the theater wearing a terrycloth robe.

Nathan Lane, Daisy Fuentes, Mitch Fantel

Dave invites customers from the Roy Rogers restaurant across the street into the theater to be checked for ticks; Dr. Sam Merrick declares them tick-free. Also, Day 2 of ""She Loves Me,"" tonight performed by Nathan Lane. Like Martin Short the previous night, Nate holds the last note, goes out to Hello Deli for a soda, then to a massage, and back inside the theater with a robe.

Diana Ross, George Wallace

Diana Ross performs a variation of the song ""She Loves Me"" called ""He Loves Me,"" and while holding the final note, buys a soda at Hello Deli, gets a massage at a nearby spa, and walks back inside the theater wearing a white robe.

Matthew Broderick, Kim Delaney, Rent

Dave tells a mean fat joke about Roger Ebert, and shortly afterwards the film critic calls Dave a bastard; four singers present the First Annual Late Show Salute to the Word ""Ass""; on Day 4 of ""She Loves Me"" week, Matthew Broderick performs a certain 1950's pop standard, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at the Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the note.

Rosie O'Donnell, Heather Matarazzo, Cracker

The final day of celebrity ""She Loves Me"" performances takes place when Rosie O'Donnell sings, holds the last note, runs through the theater, grabs a soda at Hello Deli, gets a handbill for a free massage, receives the massage, and returns to the theater wearing a robe, still holding the same note. Dave follows this flawless presentation with a week-long retrospective.

Siskel & Ebert, Andrew Shue, Dana Gould

Biff attempts to learn how to fly; actor/soccer fanatic Andrew Shue introduces footage of him, Elizabeth Shue, and John Shue playing a pick-up game of his sport of choice.

Dennis Franz, Joe Queenan, Gloria Estefan

In a piece of videotape footage that ""will disturb and shock you,"" Dave introduces clips of Bill Clinton singing ""Mustang Sally"" and Boris Yeltsin dancing.

Ben Stiller, Liv Tyler, Douglas Rodriguez

Dave fools around with a hot glue gun, while up-and-coming actress Liv Tyler (daughter of Bebe Buell and Steven Tyler) promotes Stealing Beauty.

Danny Glover, Bobby Maley, Joey Kola

Kenny Wayne Shepherd sits in; Dave points out that one of tonight's ""CBS Mailbag"" letter-writers is in the audience; during Mailbag, ""Ronald McDonald"" (Leonard) verbally abuses Dave.

Kelsey Grammer, Amber Valletta, Ozzy Osborne

Dave bids farewell to one of his longtime staffers; Kelsey Grammer promotes ""Down Periscope""; Manny reviews The Cable Guy: ""Dank.""

Vanessa Williams, Jonathan Silverman, Lucile Treganowan

Remote: Dave works the drive-thru at a Taco Bell in Jersey. Later, he chats with Lucille Treganowan, 66-year-old grandmother/hot rod guru. (correct synopsis)

Sarah Jessica Parker, Marv Albert, Lyle Lovett

Some guy carrying the Olympic torch comes through to interrupt the monologue. Also, Dave recalls a fake Father's Day memory when his son ""Jimmy"" gave him an ashtray. Paul doubts the story, forcing Dave to recall his ""real"" video memory: ""Jimmy"" arriving with pizza. (correct synopsis)

James Caan, Julie White, Patti Smith

Biff recruits an audience member to get splashed in the face by a speeding taxi going over a puddle. Also, CBS head honcho ""Les Moonves"" discusses the CBS fall lineup, then sings Harry Chapin's ""Cat in the Cradle.""

Pauly Shore, Gena Lee Nolin, Vince Gill

In response to a CBS Mailbag letter that noticed a likeness between Inky Mendez and Steven Speilberg, Martin Scorsese is seen impersonating Anton Fig.

John Travolta, John Sayles, The Presidents of the United States of America

Dave shows off a tick that has embedded itself into his suit, then shows more footage of him at Taco Bell. (correct synopsis)

Conan O'Brian, Eleanor Mondale, Blues Traveler

Bruce Willis, Christine Wilson, Jimmy Buffet

Jerry Van Dyke, Luke Perry, Fugees

Jerry Van Dyke rides onstage on a mule; Luke Perry gives Dave his sideburns; The Fugees perform ""Fu-Gee-La.""

Cher, Shaquille O'Neal

Michael Keaton, Ving Rhames, Goo Goo Dolls

Manny the Hippie reviews Striptease: ""Schwag."" Also, Creepy Dave drops by to ask Michael Keaton about human cloning.

Harry Connick, Jr., Josie Bisset

Will Smith, Demi Moore

Jeff Goldblum, Jonathan Katz, George Clinton & the P-Funk All-Stars

Dave airs his first new July 3rd show since his morning show in 1980. During the ""Rejected FDA Products"" segment, Dave introduces ""Sherwin-Williams Fettucine in Paint."" Later, Jeff Goldblum promotes ""Independence Day"" as Rupert searches the sky for UFOs.

Kids Tell Jokes, Dan O'Brian, Brian Setzer Orchestra

Mujibur and Sirajul stand on the roof, waiting for the fireworks in broad daylight; during Mailbag, ""Neil Diamond"" (Calvert) rouses the crowd with a smokin' rendition of ""America;"" two audience members take an American flag to the Empire State Building; The Brian Setzer Orchestra performs ""Town Without Pity.""

Randy Quaid, Sheryl Swoopes, The Cure

Dave switches places with an audience woman, and later she sits in with the band; Elaine Stritch storms onstage and chews out Dave; Randy Quaid promotes Independence Day.

Scottie Pippen, Prince, George Miller

Bill Pullman, JoAnn Ussery, Willie Nelson

Dave points out that Paul is the co-musical director for the Olympic closing ceremonies; Biff keeps interrupting Dave; Dave chats with Joanne Ussery, a woman who lives in a renovated Boeing 727.

Jack Hanna, Brent Spiner, Charlie Watts

Manny the Hippie talks about his trip to Roswell, New Mexico, while The Charlie Watts Quintet (featuring Bernard Fowler) performs ""In a Sentimental Mood.""

Meg Ryan, Shaolin Monks, Garbage

Dave shows a semi-embarrassing clip of Meg Ryan from her days on ""As The World Turns,"" featuring a ""young"" Paul Shaffer and Will Lee.

Bill Murray, MaliVai Washington, Wallflowers

Dave tries to find the owner of car whose license plates read ""SO HAPPY,"" and later he shows footage of a Wheel of Fortune contestant screwing up the answer to a puzzle: ""Paul Shatner!""

Margaret Colin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Wali Collins

Laurence Fishburne, Lea Thompson, Me'Shell Ndegeocello

Dave continues to gloat over the Late Show's (alleged) title as Official Talk Show of the Summer Olympics, with abortive sports commentary by Anton; Laurence Fishburne promotes Fled.

Michael J. Fox, Shelly Moquin, Travis Tritt & Marty Stuart

Country legend Marty Stuart sits in, while a disgruntled alien (Gerard) comments on inaccuracies in the movie Independence Day.

Andie MacDowell, Bob Woodward, Paul Westerberg

Dave discusses in length the show's embarrassment of Emmy riches this year (four nominations); the ""CBS Mailbag"" presents Dave's 10,000th ""Bob Dole is old"" joke; Dave receives another discouraging visit from Fan Club president ""Cliff Sussman"" (Jay Johnson).

David Duchovny, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Sponge

Leonard ""The Ronald McDonald Guy"" Tepper joins Rupert for another one of his hidden-mike remotes with Dave. Later, Jackie Joyner-Kersee promotes her new fitness book and upcoming appearance at the Atlanta Games.

Danny DeVito, Amy VanDyken, Hootie & the Blowfish

Dave welcomes the Gold Medal-winning U.S. Olympic Girl's Gymnastics Team (minus the injured Kerri Strug); during a ""New Products"" segment, Pat Farmer models a t-shirt made from venetian blinds.

Rhea Perlman, Dot Richardson, Reggie McFadden

Michael Johnson, Tom Arnold, Tracy Chapman

Dave announces that the Late Show has its own version of ""The Real World,"" with Paul, Anton and Pat Farmer whining about their personal problems.

Dennis Miller, Mia Hamm, Butthole Surfers

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" Secret Service Agents dance the Macarena; Dennis Miller promotes his new HBO talk show; Butthole Surfers perform ""Pepper.""

Dennis Hopper, Cheech Marin, Sex Pistols

Dave brings up three girls from the audience, confiscates their gum, and sends them out to goof off in a nearby fountain; the Sex Pistols perform ""Pretty Vacant.""

Richard Simmons, Jerry O'Connell, Lionel Richie

Kevin Pollak, Diane Lane, Randy Travis

Ellen Barkin, Jackie Chan, Patti Rothberg

Dwight Gooden, Tom Selleck, George Jones

Dave chats with Yankees pitcher Dwight ""Doc"" Gooden, who threw a no-hitter the night before.

Mike Wallace, Tom Dolan, Dave Attell

Dave gives a ham to a man in the audience who correctly guessed his weight (158 lbs).

Marilu Henner, Alex Rodriguez, J.R. Havlen

Dennis Rodman, Susan Molinari, Neville Brothers

Angie Everhart, Mario Van Peebles, Beach Boys

James Carville, Ed Burns, Melissa Etheridge

Nathan Lane, Mara Wilson