Late Show with David Letterman Season 4, Episode 146: Mike Myers, Danny Aiello, Crossbows of Death

Chuck Norris, Anthony Clark, Jewel

Dave gives a ham to an audience member named Bud Perchinski, who later assumes control of one of the cameras. Later, Flea (from Red Hot Chili Peppers) and Jewel Kilcher perform a duet.

Mira Sorvino, Vincent Perez, Beck

Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Colonel Ron Severson

Adam Sandler, David Cone, LeAnn Rimes

Adam Sandler promotes Happy Gilmore; Yankees pitcher David Cone demonstrates ball-handling techniques.

Bill Cosby, Brian Williams, No Doubt

It's the unofficial Three-Year Anniversary. (The count is 90 morning shows, 1810 Late Nights, and 654 Late Shows.) Dave shows some of his favorite clips, then goes door-to-door in New Jersey with Gene Siskel, Roger Ebert and Richard Simmons.

Jamie Lee Curtis, Pete Sampras, John Mellencamp

Jon Stewart, Marv Albert, Cranberries

Cybill Sheperd, Carl Coccilone, Ray Romano

Tom Brokaw, Natasha Henstridge, Fan Yang

John McEnroe, Illeana Douglas, 311

Tim Allen, Tyson Koenig, Suzanne Vega

Fran Drescher, Jesse Jackson, Travis Tritt

Bill Cosby, Kin-Jin Mark, A Tribe Called Quest

Goldie Hawn, Louie C.K.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Drew Barrymore, Tony Avena, Pearl Jam

Dave scrambles to find something to fill the extra 16 minutes of his commerical-free show.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Andy Richter, Darrell Hammond

Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen King, Trisha Yearwood

William Baldwin, Jeff Gordon, Vince Gill

Hugh Grant, Elizabeth Berkley, Donna Lewis

Kirstie Alley, Matthew Broderick

Ricki Lake, Gillian Anderson, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers

Tom Hanks, Gina Gershon, Riverdance

Sanborn's still sitting in; Paul appears in a Bob Dole campaign ad; Tom Hanks promotes ""That Thing You Do!""

Val Kilmer, Nicole Sullivan, ZZ Top

It's Biff's 50th birthday, so Dave promotes his new PBS political roundtable chatfest, ""The Henderson Group."" Tonight's panelists: Biff, Dave, Paul, and ""outspoken liberal"" Pat Farmer.

Julie Andrews, "Pee Wee" Scheidt, Dave Matthews Band

Calvert plays Bob Dole's go-between; The Dave Matthews Band performs ""Crash Into Me.""

Wayne Gretzky, Jonathan Silverman, Tori Amos

Referring to a current TV Guide that pays tribute to Dave's Suit of Alka Seltzer from his NBC days, Rupert Jee stands in a bowl of clam chowder.

Michael J. Fox, Jeanne Moreau, Ray Davies

1996: Dave shows a tape of Bob Dole blinking in the first presidential debate; Michael J. Fox gets a car for high school graduation (he didn't officially graduate until that Spring); the Kinks' Ray Davies performs ""To the Bone.""

Sam Donaldson, Spike Lee, Clint Black

Clint Black sits in; the roof cam reveals campaign workers scuffling outside.

Samuel L. Jackson, Leela Rashon, Midnight Oil

Dave searches for a new anchor for CBS-2 New York, and decides on a girl named Donna Hill. She makes several (bogus) news reports throughout the night.

Geena Davis, Peter Gallagher, Andy Kindler

1996: Three audience girls are given hams; Dave shows a (supposed) clip from tonight's Vice Presidential debate; Dave and Marv Albert point out another audience member who happens to be wearing a neckbrace.

George Foreman, Tom Everett Scott, Shawn Colvin

During CBS Mailbag, Calvert appears as ""Derek the Cantankerous Wallaby""; guest George Foreman pulls a truck.

Cindy Crawford, Jack Hanna, Lyle Lovett

Cindy Crawford walks onstage with heavy eye makeup, and Dave asks where she got her black eyes.

Rosie O'Donnell, Jon Favreau, Sheryl Crow

Jon Lovitz, Ken Olin, Enrique Iglesias

Dave shows a poster that proves that Bob Dole's presidential campaign is doomed: ""For The Love of God, Don't Vote for Tubby."" Also, Calvert reports from the Game 1 of the Braves-Yankees World Series, during which he hugs the mayor of Atlanta.

Ted Danson, Claire Danes, Phil Collins

Jimmy Smits, John Leguizamo, Brian Regan

Dave says goodnight halfway through the show and then leaves. Paul goes to search for Dave but gets distracted playing basketball. Dave is finally found guiding planes on the runway at JFK Airport, so Biff calls him via a courtesy phone and tells him to return.

Joe Torre, Don Rickles, The Heads

Dave salutes the 1996 World Champion New York Yankees and welcomes manager Joe Torre.

George Steinbrenner, Jeremy Piven, Chris Isaak

Dave chats with redeemed Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, while Rupert launches the ""Deli of Terror.""

Isabella Rossellini, Garry Marshall, Bryn Terfel

Bill Murray serves as the show's roving reporter, asking pedestrians outside about the upcoming national election. Also, Dave shows off his new, thinner haircut.

Jeff Foxworthy, Naomi Campbell, Jake Johannsen

In honor of Halloween, Dave presents ""Biff the Headless Stage Manager""; the problem, though, is that Biff is dressed as a Thanksgiving pilgrim.

Stupid Human Tricks, Dana Carvey, Steven Wright

""Friday Night on the Road"" begins in Beantown, as Michael Hirsch, aka ""The Bar,"" makes his stunning transformation from dorm geek to BMOC.

Mel Gibson, Christine Lahti, Joni Mitchell

NYC Marathon winner Giacomo Leone runs through the set, while Mel Gibson presents ""Top Ten Lines You'll Never Hear Me, Mel Gibson, Say in a Movie.""

Marisa Tomei, James Carville, John Michael Montgomery

It's the day after Election '96, so Dave tells his last ""Bob Dole is old"" joke. Also, Dave fidgets with his unusually long tie, while Calvert conducts exit polls.

Brett Butler, Gary Sinise, Bob McCoy

During Mailbag, a viewer pleads for no more Dole jokes, so ""Bob Dole"" (Calvert) appears on stage and sings Lionel Richie's ""Say You, Say Me,"" a pop ditty which includes the immortal lines, ""I had a dream; I had an awesome dream.""

Bob Dole, Ted Koppel, Mary Chapin Carpenter

Ten noteworthy anchormen appear in the top ten list while Dave chats with recently denied presidential candidate Bob Dole.

Jeff Bridges, Diane Sawyer, Bryan White

It's the official 3rd Anniversary special, with clips and highlights from the past three seasons.

Marilu Henner, Kristin Scott Thomas, Alan Jackson

Biff interrupts Dave's monologue ""just to be on TV;"" Kristen Scott Thomas plugs ‘The English Patient.""

Ron Howard, Patrick Ewing, Gene Catron

Saxaphonist Joshua Redman sits in; Gene Catron performs a trick involving dominoes and a pool ball; Dave gives out candy.

Tony Randall, Wendy Liebman, Helena Bonham Carter

Dave's artificial tooth comes loose, while Ed McMahon imitates Leonard Tepper's impression of the former ""Tonight Show"" sidekick.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Anthony Edwards, Natalie Cole

From Chicago: Paul meets his long-lost brother Matt Shaffer on ""Jerry Springer"" just as Dave was going to admit to being a transvestite. Also, Dave introduces ten citizens with distinct names for ""Top Ten Our Favorite Illinois Names."" His choice for #1, Springfield resident Minnie Cocke, has her mug displayed on the United Center jumbotron.

Sarah Ferguson, Derek Jeter, Reba McEntire

Throughout the night, audience members walk onstage to tell jokes.

Heather Locklear, Sinbad, Tony Toni Tone

Dave calls a desk jockey from across the street named Samantha Giafoni, asking for her opinion about Michael Jackson. After calling her, autumn leaves are dumped in her office.

Glenn Close, Marc Maron, Eriq LaSalle

Glenn Close promotes the live-action remake of ""101 Dalmations.""

Phil Hartman, Bob Costas, Luther Vandross

When Dave gives a ham to an audience guy, he gives him five more when he says it's going to a senior citizens' group. Soon enough, Biff practically gives him the whole store.

Kid Inventors, Will Smith, Jimmy Buffett

Friday Night on the Road finishes in Miami, Florida. It's so hot in the Coconut Grove Playhouse that Dave strips off his suit and hosts the show in his khakis and t-shirt: ""This is exactly what rehearsal looks like.""

Lisa Kudrow, Delroy Lindo, Wynonna

A ""News in Review"" segment is translated into Chinese, while Dave accidentally cuts himself while crawling under his desk.

Jeff Daniels, Dolly Parton

John Popper of Blues Traveler sits in, and later he performs with Dolly Parton.

Martin Short, Scott Bryan, Rita Wilson

Thanksgiving and the holidays are the topics du jour in the latest edition of ""Dave Talks to Kids.""

Lea Thompson, Natalie Portman, Stone Temple Pilots

Gerard makes a cameo in the annual ""Thanksgiving Day Quiz,"" while Dorothy bakes cherry and hickory nut pies.

Teri Hatcher, Brent Spiner, Luscious Jackson

After Dave offers a million dollars claiming that there's no such person named Sivareddy Gotike, whose letter was read on the CBS Mailbag the week before, Sivareddy appears on the show to collect. Dave offers him and his friend Srinivas a hotel room, dinner at Tad's, dinner at the 21 Club, two tickets to ""Cats,"" two tickets to a Jets game, a camera, car service, and dates instead.

John Cleese, Martha Stewart, David Copperfield

Biff gives out hams to the audience during the second-ever appearance of ""Know Your Current Events,"" while Martha Stewart shows Dave how to make a scented wreath.

Nicole Kidman, Laura Dern, Gloria Estefan

Dave announces he's #45 on TV Guide's greatest stars list; after interviewing Nicole Kidman, Dave is dyspeptic and demands a roll of Tums®; the roof cam reveals Santa dumping a corpse in a garbage disposal.

Kenneth Branaugh, Bonnie Hunt, Counting Crows

Dave calls the corner pay phones, but no one answers. He finally steps outside and tells anyone to pick up the phone. After some guy named Phil answers it, Dave has to scream at him to come inside.

James Woods, Bob Odenkirk, Counting Crows

1996: Two merchant marines do push-ups onstage; Dave and Paul reprise the roles of their alter egos, Gator and Skunk; Leonard Tepper performs in the Late Show ""kid's nativity play""; Counting Crows appear for the second night in a row.

Albert Brooks, Beavis & Butthead, Neil Diamond

Skunk and Gator hang out in the green room; Beavis and Butthead plug their upcoming movie; Paul performs an original holiday number.

Drew Barrymore, Mathias Pakula, Faith Hill

Somebody named Matias Paluka is interviewed by Dave, then does a weather forecast.

Andie MacDowell, Jimmie Walker, Rhett Atkins

Tony sits in the audience, while Rupert shows Dave a ""Tickle Me Giuliani"" doll.

Harry Connick Jr., Walter Cronkite

Mayor Giuliani shows up to put an apple on the Christmas tree, then gets in on a few pictures with Dave, Paul, and two audience members. Also, hockey great Gordie Howe calls Dave.

Richard Simmons, Neve Campbell, Dave Matthews Band

During a ""New for Christmas"" segment, Biff is nearly injured by a motorized hula hoop; Neve Campbell promotes ""Scream.""

Billy Crystal, Cuba Gooding Jr., Darlene Love

Dave hugs a male audience member; fake snow falls on the backdrop, then on the audience; Darlene Love (featuring Bette Sussman) continues her holiday tradition of singing ""Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).""

John Travolta, Julianna Marguiles, St. Luke's Bottle Band

Midway through Dave's interview with ""Michael"" star John Travolta, the buxom president of John's fan club gets a hug and an autograph.

Nathan Lane, Kelly Preston, Rich Hall

Jane Pauley, Robert Pastorelli, Blues Traveler

John Popper of Blues Traveler sits in, while Biff gives dating tips.

Mary Tyler Moore, Jerry O'Connell, Oseola McCarty, Deana Carter

Calvert DeForest is live at Times Square as the show is taped hours earlier. Tom Arnold appears again on New Year's Eve, this time without Roseanne.

Tom Arnold, Kamarr, Joe Queenan

Calvert DeForest is live at Times Square as the show is taped hours earlier; Tom Arnold appears again on New Year's Eve, this time without Roseanne; Biff gets scissors from Dave to get rid of the Cabbage Patch doll chewing on his ear; Kamarr the Discount Magician tries in vain to impress the audience.

Alec Baldwin, Cast of Chicago

Dave introduces an audience member named Tara to Alec Baldwin; Dave shows a drawing of him in a 70's-era leisure suit; from the hit Broadway revival ""Chicago,"" Bebe Neuwirth and Ann Reinking perform ""And All That Jazz.""

Courtney Cox, Lee Marek, Damon Hill

During CBS Mailbag, a viewer asks what Dave did for New Year's. Dave flashes back to a wild night with a bunch of fabulous babes, while Paul brings him back to earth, and Dave flashes back to a night spent at the laundromat drinking Tide.

Kids Tell Jokes, Tracey Ullman, B.B. King

BB King sits in; Dave accidentally tears up the Top Ten blue card, so he reads the list via teleprompter; Tracey Ullman promotes her new HBO show, ""Tracey Takes On...""

Ray Liotta, Norm MacDonald

Dave swipes Tony's gum, which he had tried to hide on top of one of the cameras. Also, Rupert of Hello Deli is pitted against Amando of Stage Deli in a little competition called ""The King of Meats."" It was a close battle throughout, but Amando ends up victorious.

Woody Harrelson, Jackie Chan, John Pizzarelli

Dave fondly looks back at the one-year anniversary of ""El Blizzardo,"" then does a spit take with Windex®. Also, Woody Harrelson plugs hemp products and The People vs. Larry Flint.

Matt Dillon, Rebecca Ramijn, Cassandra Wilson

Dave sends an audience babe out to get some snow, and throughout the night the show is interrupted by a three-way snowball war between Dave, Inky and Anton.

Eddie Murphy, Dwight Yoakam, Veronica Paridee

An audience member celebrating her birthday dances onstage; Inky threatens to throw a rock at Dave; Dave chats with a nine-year-old girl that delivered her baby brother in a stuck elevator; Inky settles his differences and dances with Kim the audience girl.

Kevin Spacey, Madeline Kahn, Harry Hill

Dave deems the show to be such a success that he announces the production of four spin-offs, ""Rupert Touches Meat,"" ""Leonard's Candid Camera,"" ""Kenny's Baywatch"" (with the stagehands running in slow motion), and ""Late Show with Carlos Huaycaga.""

Penelope Ann Miller, Skeet Ulrich, BR5-49

It's time for another Late Show experiment: ""Who Will Get Kicked Out of TGIF's Sooner, a Shirtless Guy or a Guy with Ten Dogs?"" Answer: the shirtless guy. Later, Dave instructs Chris from the audience to negotiate with TGIF (where he works), and soon enough, everyone is allowed inside.

Chris O'Donnell, Debbie Reynolds, Yo Yo Ma, Edgar Meyer, Mark O'Conner

Dave shows QVC footage of a Cabbage Patch Bill Clinton doll eating French fries; Actor Chris O'Donnell does a Stupid Human Trick; the drama class from Calhoun High School re-enacts the first half of the show.

Tom Selleck, Art Donovan, Babyface

Paul shows a clip of his new home video ""The Late Show Made Easy,"" while ""Know Your Cuts of Meat"" makes its debut on ""Know Your Current Events.""

Kevin Kline, Kevin Sorbo, Kevin Brennan

It's an ""All Kevin Spectacular"" as Kevin Kline, Kevin Sorbo, and Kevin Brennan guest on the show. The closing credits on the show include all staffers named Kevin (Kevin Burnett, Kevin Foley, Kevin Gaines, Kevin Mulligan [actually the name of Gerard's son], and so on).

David Schwimmer, Carmen Electra, Sheryl Crow

Alan interrupts the monologue to comment on yesterday's Packers-Patriots Super Bowl; an audience member receives Dave's autograph; Calvert reports from New Orleans, where football fans are still celebrating after yesterday's championship.

Tony Danza, Desmond Howard, Helena Bonham Carter

Biff presides over another segment of ""What They Would Have Had for Lunch If They Were Still Alive."" Tonight, Lorne Greene: ""a BLT."" Also, Tony Williams sits in on drums, while Dave introduces Paul as ""Little Jimmy Dickens.""

Dan Rather, Jane Leeves, Tori Amos

Dave calls up an audience guy to meet Tori Amos, but he has to frisk him first.

Matthew Perry, Natasha Lyonne, Jewel

Dave shows a promo of ""Rupert Jee's Private Parts,"" a spoof of the upcoming Howard Stern movie. Amongst those who participate in this parody are Rupert, Leonard, and ""Paul Shaffer as ‘David Letterman.'""

Rhea Perlman, Ray Ramano, Ice Cube

Stupid Human Tricks, Elle MacPherson, Charles Barkley

Dave celebrates a decade and a half in late night television by introducing some of his favorite Stupid Human Tricks. Later, he chats with basketball star Charles Barkley.

Isabella Rossellini, Billy Bob Thorton, Tokyo Shock Boys

In honor of the re-release of the entire Star Wars trilogy, Dave moves his coffee mug with a little help from ""the force""; Billy Bob Thornton promotes his Academy Award-nominated film Sling Blade; the acrobatic Tokyo Stunt Boys bomb in their first (and ultimately only) American television performance.

Fran Drescher, Eva Herzigova, Tony Bennett

Flugelhorn great Al Chez sits in with the band, while Leonard appears in a educational film about the First Thanksgiving.

Pierce Brosnan, Lance Alstodt, Brian Regan

Know Your Current Events: Dave promises an audience participant named Brian (who Dave keeps calling ""Larry"") that if he can kick a field goal outside, he can sit onstage. Brian hits the field goal post at 20 yards and wins his onstage seat.

Brett Favre, David Spade, Silverchair

Mailbag: Paul appears in a commercial for ""Uncle Dave's Non-Alcoholic Gin."" Also, Dave and Green Bay Packers QB Brett Farve throw footballs into cabs, and David Spade promotes his new sitcom, ""Just Shoot Me.""

Stupid Pet Tricks, Brett Butler, Fugees

In a remote featuring Dave talking to various fan club presidents, a swordfight breaks out between the ""Cats"" and ""Star Wars"" fans. Also, Bob Borden professes his love to a disturbed Martha Stewart.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Geoffrey Rush, Barry Manilow

Dave ponders another one of his deep thoughts: ""How Long Can a Guy Spin a Revolving Door Before Somebody Stops Him?"" It takes 40 minutes and 6 seconds before security escorts the man out.

Richard Harris, Siskel & Ebert, Far East Circus

Throughout the night, Biff, Pat and Kenny recreate scenes from Academy Award-nominated films, including ""The English Patient"" and ""Jerry McGuire."" The gag comes to an abrupt end when, while attempting to spoof ""Secrets and Lies,"" they can't find anybody who saw the film.

Peter O'Toole, Salma Hayek, Jazz Passengers

Dave brags that he had an incredible Valentine's Day last year, until Paul persuades him to admit that he spent it watching TV with an amorous Leonard. Also, the Jazz Passengers (featuring Deborah Harry and Elvis Costello) perform ""Doncha Go 'Way Mad.""

Sarah Ferguson, Allan Weimerskirch, Patti Smith

Marv Albert is credited with six seperate appearances tonight, thus raising his total on the show to an even one hundred. Later, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, promotes her new cookbook.

Tom Brokaw, Laura Linney, BLACKstreet

Two weeks before, NBC denied Dave permission to use clips from his old show. So tonight, Tom Brokaw arrives and offers Dave a crumpled-up videotape from Late Night with David Letterman. Also, Dave shows a faux-documentary short called ""Dave's Family Weekend"" (with Andrea as his sister and Leonard as Mr. Rogers).

Bruce Willis, Ving Rhames, Jeff Gordon

The outside cam goes to Joe G's to launch production of the quickie movie ""Space Volcano""; Bruce Willis murders Mujibur and Sirajul; Demi Moore shows up with 15 dogs as a gift for Dave, and later the mutts storm the control room.

Michael J. Fox, Jon Voight, The Wallflowers

Throughout the night, various civilians tell jokes about their jobs, while Dave admits that he has fallen in love with this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Julie Andrews, Doug E. Doug, The Amazing Jonathan

The latest edition of ""Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video"" takes place entirely at Hello Deli, while ""Cosby"" star Doug E. Doug does standup.

Tony Randall, Juliette Binoche, David Brenner

Frequent CBS Mailbag contributor Jerry Scales appears in the audience and is given a roast chicken made of Nyquil. Also, Tony Randall talks about becoming a parent for the first time.

Bill Cosby, David Hacker, Tina Turner

On the three-year anniversary of his memorable first appearance on the Late Show, super-bowler Dick Weber rolls one strike after another out on 53rd Street. Later, he and Bill Cosby go one-on-one on the specially-built lane, with Weber decimating the sitcom star.

Mia Farrow, Anne Heche, Elvis Costello & Burt Bacharach

James Cotton sits in; while pedestrians footrace against each other over on 54th and Broadway.

Howard Stern, Valeria Mazza, Porno for Pyros

Leonard Tepper is live at Madison Square Garden, annoying participants at this year's Grammy Awards. He closes the segment by calling Dave a jackass.

Pauly Shore, Merrill Markoe, Celine Dion

Dave shows outtakes of Leonard's Grammy report, and then gets thrown out of a taping of ""Wheel of Fortune"" by a security guard resembling Bill DeLace.

Bill Pullman, Richard Lewis, Lyle Lovett & Randy Newman

Trumpeter Al Chez sits in; the ""First Annual Biff Henderson Award"" goes to a much-serving Biff; Randy Newman and Lyle Lovett perform ""You've Got a Friend In Me.""

Jon Stewart, Debi Mazar, Duncan Sheik

Dave comments on ""El Blizzardo Diablo,"" a raining snowstorm that practically has New York City in a standstill. Also, Dave and Paul participate in a cutthroat battle of putdowns towards each other.

Robin Quivers, Adam Arkin, James

Dave points out that the wet snow of yesterday's ""El Blizzardo Diablo"" has already melted and/or evaporated. Also, Adam Arkin promotes the upcoming made-for-TV movie Not In This Town.

Chevy Chase, Mary McCormack, Phish

During ""Rejected Commercial Characters,"" jokes are translated for a select audience onstage from English to Japanese.

Kids Tell Jokes, Mary Steenburgen, Ray Wold

Bluesman Keb' Mo sits in; Dave and Paul shill a new sleeping enhancer called EclipseQuil; ""pyrotechnic madman"" Ray Wold blows up stuff and somehow avoids burning himself.

Ted Danson, Famke Janssen, Mitch Hedburg

CBS Mailbag: Jerry Scales asks, ""What do viewers miss?"" Gerard Mulligan comes out in costume as ""A 50-year-old guy dressed like Zorro."" Also, The Biff Henderson Players present ""Send in the Clones.""

Howard Stern, Ray Ramano, Chieftains

Sean Pelton sits in for Anton, while Howard Stern promotes his new movie.

Martin Short, Larenz Tate, Kodo

The camera fixates on a guy in the audience with a gigantic gut with DAVE written on it. Also, Martin Short does another musical number, with a final note so extended that he leaves the stage, goes to the bank, buys a sandwich at Hello Deli, picks up his dry cleaning, and returns to the theater just in time for the big climax.

Cindy Crawford, Robert Townsend, Chris Whitley

The Late Show Current Events Singers take on Clinton's recent leg injury, then performs some sort of a cappella apology to Cindy Crawford.

Mike Myers, Sophie Marceau, Alison Krauss

Today's burning question: ""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get into a Coffee Shop?"" All 23 guys that volunteered get in, and they are later joined by a geeky audience member from Georgia, who is later carried back to the stage by the bunnies.

Marv Albert, Anthony LaPaglia, Big Head Todd & the Monsters

In honor of his birthday, former president Thomas Jefferson is seen skydiving over the city, followed shortly by William McKinley and Paul Shaffer.

Teri Garr, George Stephanopolous, Amanda Marshall

Dave announces that today is Tony Mendez' 60th birthday, even though he's only 52; Dave orders Anton to fetch him some coffee; a man-on-the-street segment dissects tonight's ""Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves.""

Marilu Henner, Marlon Wayans, The Cardigans

Mailbag: Alan has an announcer sitting in with him, only to realize he's not his intern but his willing replacement. Meanwhile, Academy Award winner Billy Bob Thornton (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten.

Bryant Gumbel, Kadeem Hardison, Bandbaz Brothers

Songwriter Jimmy Webb sits in, and throughout the night the band plays his songs; Dave shows a tape of Rob Burnett's daughter being scared to death by Daddy as the Easter Bunny; Dave tells a story about how he spent his Easter with Nadine Hennelly, but as usual Paul coerces him into telling the sad, awful truth.

Tara Lipinsky, Margaret Colin, Nanci Griffith

Dave calls a pay phone on Broadway, and then calls in a guy from Jersey named Rocky to tell the first ""Mets suck"" joke of the season. Also, Biff gives a pep talk to some grade-school students.

Dan Akroyd, David Kruithoff, Cyndi Lauper

A man claiming to be Paul's brother Kenny sits in the audience, while amateur dentist David Kriuthoff fidgets with a special camera that can go inside the mouth.

Jean-Claude Van Damme, Brad Garrett, Chris Fonseca

""Colin Dunner"" (Gerard), the lead dancer in the Broadway hit ""Riverdance"" promotes his new videotape ""Riverdancin' to the Oldies."" Also, Will Lee demonstrates how to play a guitar like a piano.

John Cusak, Liv Tyler, David Bowie

Mailbag: a man on the street is decapitated by a giant, renegade blue card. Also, Pat Farmer introduces his new segment ""Live Action Editorial Cartoon."" Tonight's piece: ""Busting the Budget.""

Anthony Clark, Joan Lunden, Eryka Badu

Dave says he's discovered he's been combing his hair wrong, so he fidgets with it throughout the show. Also, Zahshu, the ""World's Only Performing Hippo,"" rolls over and begs.

Norm MacDonald, Justine Bateman, Trace Adkins

""How Many Guys in a Bunny Suit Can Get Into H&R Block?"" Only two, until both are kicked out. Right after the first commercial break, Biff then tries to get in wearing a dog suit and, despite being escorted by Bill DeLace, is also ejected. When all is said and done, Dave announces the tax company's new slogan: ""And stay out!""

Charles Grodin, David Alan Grier, Matthew Sweet

In a running gag that was started two nights before (in homage to something that appeared occasionally on Late Night), Zahshu, ""The World's Only Performing Goldfish,"" develops a severe case of stage fright. At the end of the show, he is removed from his fishbowl and is placed on top of a skateboard.

Tom Arnold, Bernie Williams, Bush

Kelsey Grammar, Jake Johannsen, Tracy Chapman

Champion weightlifter Magnus Vermagnusson lifts various objects, including Mujibur and Sirajul; Dave comments on his upcoming 50th birthday; Zhushi ""The World's Only Performing Dog"" is the latest animal to stand on stage in lieu of attempting some sort of stunt.

Martin Mull, Alicia Witt, Mary J. Blige

Marv Albert interviews accountants, then shows a blooper real along side it; Dave notices that Tony is holding cue cards with gloves on; ""Pat Farmer's Live-Action Political Cartoon"" takes a swipe at President Clinton.

Katie Couric, Roma Downey, INXS

Dave finds a patron named Bob Reedy, in Joe G's Pizza to star in another fake film epic, the Anaconda spoof ""Snakequest 2000."" Quote Dave: ""For the love of god, it's a giant snake!""

Tony Randall, Steven Weber, Wilco

Allen Toussant sits in; Dave announces that in honor of the recent media hoopla over Ellen DeGeneres, the Late Show will now be ""more gay""; Wilco performs ""Someone Else's Song.""

Lisa Kudrow, Umberto Buccigrossi, Verve Pipe

Biff announces that if Lyndon Johnson were alive today, he would've had a roast beef sandwich for lunch. Also, The Verve Pipe performs ""The Freshman.""

Stupid Human Tricks, Rosie Perez, John Hiatt

On a special Indianapolis-themed night on the Late Show, Dorothy interrupts a comedy bit to give Dave a hug, while Reggie Miller presents the Top Ten.

Kurt Russell, Sinbad, Paula Cole

Rupert Jee drops by to make an important announcement: ""America, I am a lesbian."" This inspires Regis to walk over and give him a hug.

Robin Williams, Tanya Tucker

Dave shows a clip from the latest Charlie Brown Special: Charlie Brown declares, ""I think I'm a lesbian."" Also, two dorky audience members help wash a cab outside the theater, then get hosed down by the NYFD.

Alec Baldwin, Joey Lauren Adams, Indigo Girls

It's ""Awards Night"" on the Late Show, as throughout the night Biff presents Gordie Howe with the Stanley Cup, Walter Payton with the Super Bowl Trophy, Bobby Allison with the Harley J. Earle Trophy, Kareem Abdul Jabbar with the Larry O'Brien Trophy, Alec Baldwin with the World Series Trophy, and Tony Mendez with the Best Cue Card Boy Trophy. Also, Alec announces on the in-theater PA system that he's a lesbian.

Garry Shandling, Luke Perry, Wendy Liebman

Wendy Liebman discusses mammograms, while Luke Perry rappels off the side of the theater.

Roseanne, Justin Miller, Chuck Berry

In honor of tonight's audience (all residents of St. Louis and its suburbs), the backdrop is altered to show the city's skyline; Dave shows live footage of the Mets/Cardinals game in progress at Shea Stadium; Roseanne arrives for her interview on a Clydesdale-driven sleigh.

Bruce Willis, Elizabeth Hurley, Maxwell

Dave dumps the show early yet again, and after searching high and low in Manhattan, Biff finally finds him demonstrating knife tricks at Benihana's.

John Goodman, Kathleen Quinlan, Hanson

""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get into a Fountain?"" Only about six, as the men in costume are thrown out of Central Park by the NYPD. After the first commercial break, John Goodman lunges into the fountain. Also, Hanson performs ""MmmBop.""

Billy Crystal, Kristen Johnson, Bee Gees

Rupert stars in a parody of those financial-success tapes that they sell in infomercials, while Kirsten Johnston promotes the 3-D season finale of Third Rock from the Sun.

Ricki Lake, Kirby Puckett, Soul Asylum

With tonight's audience being from the Twin Cities, Dave makes them feel at home by having a faux snow fall in the theater. Also, the Top Ten home office is temporarily relocated to nearby Edina, Minnesota (and is presented by Twins great Kirby Puckett), while Calvert takes a tour of Minneapolis.

Cybil Shepard, Darrell Hammond, Linda Eder

Tonight, Dave promises to show things that have never been on television before, including Marv Albert dancing with a giant squirrel, a gay man kissing a lesbian, and Biff playing solitaire topless. Also, Grover Washington, Jr. sits in, while Dave and Rupert do another one of their hidden-mic gags.

Andy Garcia, George Foreman, Travis Tritt

Dancers from Riverdance make a return appearance on the show. Actually, they're staff writers Gerard Mulligan and Eric Kaplan, Leonard Tepper, and financial wiz/Dave buddy Jim Peterson. Soon after, Robin Williams walks in from Broadway in a similar toe-tappin' style.

David Hyde Pierce, Dana Delany, Spice Girls

In honor of Late Show's 800th episode, Dave introduces ""Where Are They Now?"" pieces describing the whereabouts of Bernie Kopell, Howie Mandel, Olivia Newton-John, and Bill Clinton. Also, the Spice Girls perform ""Who Do You Think You Are.""

Helen Hunt, Susie Maroney, Jeffery Tambor

Late Show airs its second and last installment of Peanuts, as Lucy once again foils Charlie Brown's attempt to kick a football: ""Never mess around with a gangsta bitch.""

Stupid Pet Tricks, Jeff Goldblum, Foo Fighters

With tonight's audience representing Denver, Colorado, Dave interrupts the monologue to introduce an audience guy who ends up proposing to his girlfriend. Later in the show, Jeff Goldblum gives the happy couple a blender.

Meg Ryan, Lance Henriksen, Mary Chapin-Carpenter

Biff brings out a Billy goat that supposedly won the Kentucky Derby last weekend; Dave leaves the show to play for the New York Yankees, then goes on a half-hearted tirade when he's cut by the team; ""Leonard Tepper's Mile-High Hidden Video"" observes unsuspecting tourists at the World Trade Center.

Barbara Walters, Ida Doggett, God's Property with Kirk Franklin

After showing past clips of disastrous attempts at stuffing guys in rabbit outfits inside various locales, Dave announces that it's time to play ""How Many Sailors Can Get into a New York City Chicken Restaurant?"" With the nearby Ranch 1 offering their services, a whopping 68 sailors walk in without a problem. Also, Dave chats with Ida Doggett, 1997 world bed-making champion.

Richard Simmons, Kelly Preston, Toad the Wet Sprocket

It's time yet again for ""What They Would Have for Lunch if They Were Alive Today"" with Biff Henderson. The celebrity: Dean Martin. The lunch: mac n' cheese.

Matthew Broderick, Nicole Sullivan, Savion Glover & Stomp

""Steven Spielberg"" (Gerard) brags out his new movie The Lost World, while Savion Glover performs a tap dance solo from the hit musical ""Stomp.""

Jason Alexander, Griffin Dunne, Sammy Hagar

Mailbag: a horrific freak accident turns Rupert into the mysterious ""Dr. Meat."" Also, Jason Alexander promotes Love! Valour! Compassion!

Elle MacPherson, Vince Vaughn, Jewel

Remote on the 14th Floor: Late Show staffers Eric Stangel, Matt Roberts, Bob Borden, Rodney Munoz, Christian Breheney, and Eric Kaplan relate their Prom Nightmares while eating in the coffee room, with dramatizations that include Rupert Jee and Richard Simmons.

Michael Richards, Rick Reynolds, Steve Winwood

Customer Bob Barrett from Joe's Pizza is invited into the theater to act in the monster movie spectacular ""Ghost Dinosaur '97,"" co-starring Mujibur and Sirajul as ""Dinosaur #1"" and ""Dinosaur #2.""

Bill Cosby, Elaine Cunningham, Squirrel Nut Zippers

The squash family is represented tonight by a visit from Elaine Cunningham, ""The Zucchini Lady""; Bill Cosby talks about his various medications.

Alicia Silverstone, Andy Dick, John Fogerty

Farrah Fawcett, John Fogerty

Promoting an upcoming TV special, Farrah Fawcett walks out in a boozy daze, complimenting Dave for the view of the skyline when it's really a backdrop, then crawls around and makes animal noises. At the end of the show, Dave thanks Farrah for ""almost being here tonight.""

Harrison Ford, Steven Wright, Dave Matthews Band

Biff reports from the NBA Finals in Salt Lake City; Dave makes his usual joke about buying his first car at Harrison Ford in Indiana; Dave Matthews Band performs ""Too Much.""

Isabella Rossellini, Dave Chapelle, Bono & Larry Mullen

Dave shows an altered clip of President Clinton admitting his dislike for cloning, and later Dave is once again visited by ""the lovely Is-a-bella Ros-sell-ini.""

Jon Stewart, Susan Molinari, Seven Mary Three

Dave turns the hose on pedestrians outside the theater; Jaleel ""Urkel"" White helps ""Les Moonves"" promote CBS' fall lineup; Seven Mary Three performs ""Lucky.""

Tom Brokaw, Janeane Garafolo, Sheryl Crow

Tom Brokaw explains why he turned down an offer to leave NBC for CNN: ""Same as you with CBS: more money, smaller audience."" Also, Sheryl Crow performs ""A Change (Will Do You Good).""

John Travolta, Grant Hill, Sinead O'Connor

Mailbag: ""Farrah Fawcett"" (Calvert) explains her behavior from last week. Also, Kenny ""The Quick-Witted Stagehand"" Sheehan makes his 1000th TV appearance, which is followed by footage of his (bogus) television debut on Ed Sullivan in 1964.

George Carlin, Nick Chinlund, James Taylor

Paul is introduced as ""Radu,"" then shows Dave a Happy Meal toy that looks just like him. Also, Dave hides in an apartment, harassing delivery people as they come and go.

Kathy Ireland, Jeremy Holz, Michael Story

A new challenge: ""Who Can Hail a Cab First""- a pantsless Mets fan or a pantless Yankees fan? For once, the Mets win the big one.

Matt Lauer, Ruthie Bolton-Holifield, Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Dave gives an audience woman a ham just for being Polish; several members of the cast of Cats go inside FlashDancers; Alan Kalter promotes ""Late Show: The Game""; The Mighty Mighty Bosstones perform ""The Impression That I Get.""

Julia Roberts, Jon Bon Jovi

Julia Roberts is treated to a clip of her first appearance on Letterman from 1990, only to watch the clip blackened out by NBC. Also, Jon Bon Jovi performs ""Janie, Don't Take Your Love to Town.""

Siskel & Ebert, Dermot Mulroney, King Charles Troupe

""Riverdancers"" Gerry Mulligan, Mike McIntee, Eric Kaplan, and Jim Peterson amaze and delight the studio audience and the home viewers in response to a letter in the CBS Mailbag.

Marilu Henner, Doug E. Doug, Johnny Lang

Anton is introduced as ""Anton Zip""; Dave shows the audience a chart of who's permitted to be on the show and who isn't; in tonight's remote, Dave goes to a private school in Manhattan to chat with child prodigies.

Nick Turturro, Daisy Fuentes, Motley Crue

The outside cam heads to Joe G's looking for a guy to write a theme song for, where they stumble across Brian and his girlfriend. Also, Dave takes the audience outside to watch Motley Crue perform on the sidewalk.

Peter Fonda, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Ricki Lee Jones

It's 91 degrees outside, so Biff decides to watch ice melt on the street.

Brian Williams, Diane Cannon, Gil Shaham

A flying saucer heckles Dave from the backdrop, while Dyan Cannon promotes Out to Sea and makes friendly with Dave.

Martin Lawrence, Robert Zemeckis, Sarah McLachlan

Dave declares a guy named Jeff as ""Captain of the Audience,"" helping the host out with menial tasks such as helping present the Top Ten and keeping the audience awake. Also, film director Robert Zemeckis makes a rare television appearance, promoting his new movie Contact.

Will Smith, Heidi Klum, Brad Byers

Bowling great Dick Weber sits in with the band; Calvert kicks someone in the nether regions for the shear fun of it; Dave and Paul trade faces.

Jason Priestly, Patricia Richardson, The Cicadas

Dave gets two girls at a nearby cafe to help celebrate Canada Day with Canada Dry®, which gets delivered by a Mountie; to continue a running gag started the previous night, bowler Johnny Petraglia sits in; various staffers describe clips from America's Funniest Home Videos.

Tom Arnold, Mitchell Libonati, Blur

During the ""Supermarket Finds"" segment, Dave takes a sample of something called ""White Fungus"" and spits it out; another bowling great (Marshall Holman) sits in with the band on tambourine; Dave chats with Mitchell Libonati, the man who found the piece of Evander Holyfield's ear that was chewed off in the infamous boxing match that previous weekend; Blur performs ""Song 2.""

Evander Holyfield, Lee Marek, Sarah Silverman

Dave talks about the a new unauthorized autobiography of Martha Stewart; tonight's guest bowler is Hall of Famer Carmen Salvino; Dave appears in a 50's-style cigarette ad; Evander Holyfield gives Dave his account of the incident that occurred in his fight last weekend with Mike Tyson.

Martin Short, Manny the Hippie, Fang Fang

Pro bowler Nelson Burton, Jr. sits in; during Mailbag, Tom Arnold bits his own ear off; Manny the Hippie resurfaces; for the second year in a row, Dave sends audience members from San Francisco to the Empire State Building to display the US flag.

Don Rickles, Brendan Fraser, En Vogue

Dave shows off his new, shorter haircut; an audience member sings the theme song from Grease; Tim Allen presents the Top Ten.

Tim Robbins, Jackie Chan, Shawn Colvin

It's a balmy 97 degrees outside, so Biff fries an egg on the sidewalk, later adding bacon and toast.

Mary Tyler Moore, Querbe Tirmizi, Matchbox 20

Dave interviews NYC taxi driver Querbe Tirmizi, who returned $30,000 he found in his cab.

Nathan Lane, Robey Morgan, Third Eye Blind

Dave begins a month-long campaign to run into the ground his current favorite phrase: ""Something from the meat case, Linda?"" Also, Dave, Tony Randall, and a dozen or so triple-named child actors star in CBS' hot new situation comedy ""The Letterman Family.""

Robert Pastorelli, Craig Kilborn, Live

Pauly Shore, Leslie Mann, Puff Daddy

Dave congratulates Paul on being #6 on the Forbes 500; Biff and Eric Kaplan explain how they make Dave's coffee mug levitate; Sean ""Puff Daddy"" Combs, Faith Evans, and 112 perform ""It's All About the Benjamins.""

Kids Tell Jokes, Mario Andretti, John Hiatt

It's time once again for ""King of the Meats,"" the mano-a-mano kosher competition between Rupert of Hello Deli and Amando Vasquez of the nearby Stage Deli. Amando sweeps the three rounds, but Rupert goes home with the ladies.

John Turturro, Kathy Kinney, Radish

Harrison Ford reports from Hawaii; in the debut edition of ""Pointless Celebrity Cameo Theater,"" Calvert, Regis, and Tony Randall stand around like goons while the audience cheers them on; Radish (a band fronted by an early Ben Kweller) perform ""Little Pink Stars.""

Dan Rather, Kathy Griffin, k.d. Lang

The Harrison Ford World Tour (in which he's promoting The Devil's Own) makes a stop in Paris, France; Dave suggests the Paul legally change his name to ""Radu""; CBS anchorman/folkie at heart Dan Rather sings ""The Wabash Cannonball.""

Samuel L. Jackson, Barry Sonnenfeld

During ""CBS Mailbag,"" we look into a day in the life of a ""Accident-Prone Blood-Gorged Tick"" (Leonard Tepper).

Jennifer Anniston, Brian Regan, William H. Macy

It's so hot outside that Biff tries to start a fire on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass and a bundle of sticks, as members from New York's Fire Department stand by; Rupert and Leonard bother people per Dave's requests; Jennifer Aniston promotes Picture Perfect.

Norm MacDonald, Phylicia Rashad, Jamiroquai

Dave gets four galpals from West Virginia to go on a tour of the city with Biff; Physilla Rashad promotes her sitcom Cosby; Jamiroquai performs the #1 hit ""Virtual Insanity.""

Charles Grodin, Billy Connolly, David Byrne

Dave congratulates Rob Burnett upon the birth of his daughter; a ""What's On Other Channels"" bit is interrupted by a car honking, courtesy of Creepy Dave; David Byrne performs ""Daddy Go Down.""

Julia Roberts, Blues Traveler

John Popper sits in with the band; Dave asks a paramedic about a piece of carrot he ""horked"" into his left lung during lunch today; Julia Roberts promotes Conspiracy Theory.

Tony Danza, Michael Rapaport

Dave shows some ""Surprising Facts About Celebrities."" Later, Tony Danza promotes his new sitcom.

Bob Dole, Bill Bellamy, Ziggy Marley & the Melody Makers

Dave presents a Wall Street quiz; Bob Dole talks about retirement.

Ray Liotta, David Brenner, Natalie Desselle

Deliberately-obvious stunt doubles pose as Dave and Paul showing off their bike skills, while Dave carves a sculpture of Paul made from butter; a man claiming to be Garth Brooks is interrogated on ""The Biff Henderson Celebrity Telephone Interview.""

Jay Thomas, Annabella Sciorra, Tonic

Jay Thomas shows Dave a tape of himself spitting out something during a recent television appearance. The footage is repeated several times.

Sylvester Stallone, Tommy LaSorda

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Biff reports from the Garth Brooks concert in Central Park and meets ""Garth"" himself (Leonard Tepper).

Demi Moore, Jay Mohr, Aerosmith

The new sitcom ""The Letterman Family"" is promoted, starring Dave, Tony Randall, and Nadine Hennally. Later, Demi Moore shaves an audience member's head.

Tom Selleck, Billy Joel

Dave feeds Tom Selleck some avocados. Later, they make a crank phone call to Al Roker.

Barbara Walters, Charles Dutton, Morrissey

Barbara Walters promotes her new talk show, ""The View.""

Mira Sorvino, Jeff Altman, Coolio

Dave compares President Clinton's 51st birthday to meatloaf. Later, he chats with his old friend Jeff Altman.

Donald Trump, Janine Turner, Ruth Brown & Bonnie Raitt

""The Donald"" talks about a recent boat trip. Later, Janine Turner promotes ""Leave It To Beaver.""

Alicia Silverstone, Bev Tanner, George Miller

Alicia Silverstone promotes her new movie Excess Baggage.

Vanessa Williams, Joe Montana

Dave announces that he is starring in the ""Late Show of Passion,"" which is just like the Late Show, except that it's dubbed so it looks like a telenovela. Later, Dave and Joe Montana throw footballs at a garbage truck.

Paul Reiser, Tia Carrera, Echo & the Bunnymen

Laurence Fishburne, Jonathan Katz, Paula Cole

Tonight's Top Ten is interrupted by a phone call from the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska: ""It's not all that funny anymore."" Meanwhile, Biff wreaks havoc in Martha's Vineyard.

Tom Arnold, Mehgan Heany-Grear, Dane Cook

Dave complains about the dog days of summer.

Stupid Human Tricks, Danny Aiello, Radiohead

Warren is run over by a car; during ""Stupid Human Tricks,"" Douglas Pierce plays the ""Jeopardy"" theme on his hands; Dave bids a fond farewell to head writer Bill Scheft.