Late Show with David Letterman Season 5, Episode 138: Stupid Human Tricks, Norm MacDonald, Pearl Jam

Terry Bradshaw, Carmen Electra, Eddie Brill

Dave shows highlights from the annual Labor Day staff cookout on 53rd Street; Terry Bradshaw and stagehand Corky Ramirez both inexplicably break into song.

Steven Seagal, Brittany Starr, Beck

Warren is caught watching tennis on TV; Dave harasses teen talk show host John Hall; Beck performs ""Devil's Haircut.""

Joan Lunden, Chris Rock, Fiona Apple

Viewers at home receive the rare opportunity to see the new audience orientation tape (starring Leonard Tepper). Later, Fiona Apple performs ""Criminal.""

Geena Davis, Martha Stewart, Robert Carlyle

Kevin Kline, Jamie Foxx, Sugar Ray

On Warren's last night filling in for Paul, he receives a ""Deputy of Comedy"" badge. Later, Sugar Ray performs ""Fly.""

Danny DeVito, Patrick Rafter, Tim McGraw

Paul returns from filming ""Blues Brothers 2000"" with a shaved head. Meanwhile, Dave, Biff, Regis, Al Roker, and Bob Barker harass people in Central Park.

Salma Hayek, Joan Cusak, Louie Anderson

Dave calls the pay phone island outside so that an unsuspecting tourist could participate in a comedy skit. When nobody picks up a phone, Dave goes on the street and invites a guy from Vermont to perform a musical number with Tony Randall.

Noah Wylie, Damon Wayons, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot

Dave is so fascinated by Paul's shaved head (introduced last night) that he has to talk about it at the beginning of the show.

Andie MacDowell, Cynthia Cooper, Nanci Griffith & Darius Rucker

Paul writes a song for a trucker who participated in ""Know Your Current Events,"" while Dave chats with WNBA MVP Cynthia Cooper.

Jennifer Jason Leigh, Starr Jones, Bee Gees

Dave chats with CBS star ""Steve Urkel"" (Gerard), while Star Jones plugs ""The View.""

George Clooney, Bill Cosby

Dave listens to the philosophies of second-graders in ""Dave Talks to Kids""; George Clooney promotes ""The Peacemaker.""

Nicole Kidman, Gregory Hines, God's Property

Biff delivers a housewarming gift to a Hooters franchise that just opened, and they send back buffalo wings. Later, an NBC nurse tends to Nicole Kidman's cold.

Jennifer Lopez, Michael Lamonico, Bill Engvall

Dave discusses aerosol cheese with last minute guest Chef Michael Lomonaco who says, ""It's great when you're driving, actually. You get a little squirt when you're driving.""

Alec Baldwin, Jonathan Lipnicki, Deana Carter

Richard Simmons interupts ""Know Your Current Events""; Drew Carey presents ""Top Ten Signs You Work in a Bad Office""; 7-year-old Jonathan Lipnicki promotes his new sitcom, ""Meego.""

Kim Basinger, Ray Ramano, Jackson Browne

In a return to the popular theme nights of yore, the entire LATE SHOW audience consists of freshmen from NYU. During the show, Candice Bergen presents a special college-themed Top Ten list.

Fourth Anniversary Special

Dave shows some of his favorite remotes, segments, and comedy clips from the first four years of ""The Late Show.""

Fran Drescher, Ryan Tripp, Brooks & Dunn

Bob Borden finally gets to meet Jaleel ""Urkel"" White, while Paul composes a musical number about pastries that resemble celebrities.

Michael J. Fox, Sarah O'Hare, Patti Smith

Dave gives a local named Tom Worzall ten seconds of air time, then chats with Wonderbra model Sarah O'Hare.

Cameron Diaz, Adam Arkin, Veniamin

Cameron Diaz promotes ""A Life Less Ordinary,"" while the famed contortionist Veniamin does a demonstration.

Matt Lauer, Ryan Kurlander, Sheryl Crow

Dave comments on the Yankees playoff chances, then chats with new ""Today"" co-host Matt Lauer.

Elle MacPherson, Jon Tenney, Elvis Costello & the Fairfield Four

Dave shows (bogus) NASA footage of Mir; the Dutch Mariachis sing ""Happy Birthday"" to Biff.

Dan Aykroyd, Jack Hanna, Boyz II Men

Dave and Paul visit the ""International Hair Forum""; Dan Aykroyd promotes ""Soul Man"" and plays the harmonica.

Bryant Gumbel, Harland Williams, Everclear

Joe G. stars in the new crime drama ""Joey Ventura,"" and clips from the show are scattered throughout the night; Dave gives Paul crap for bumping into a cameraman; Bryant Gumbel promotes his soon-to-debut news program.

John Lithgow, Christy Turlington, Foo Fighters

Dave watches leaves turn and nails dry, and an audience member's receives and smokes his first cigar.

James Belushi, Christina Ricci, Oasis

Throughout the night, Leonard plugs his new show, ""Leonard Tepper's Hidden Video."" Later, Jim Belushi promotes ""Total Security.""

Uma Thurman, Mark Wahlberg, Eddie Izzard

""Dr."" Bill DeLace comments on seasonal allergies; Mark Wahlberg promotes ""Boogie Nights.""

David Duchovny, Emily Mae Young, Todd Barry

1997: Stagehand and accomplished thespian Kenny Sheehan is seen in clips from ""The Today Show,"" ""Guiding Light,"" ""Cosby,"" ""The People's Court,"" and ""Spin City.""

Tom Brokaw, Stevie Starr, Green Day

After Dave shows clips of past bunny antics, the Late Show presents ""How Many Guys in Bunny Suits Can Get in the Times Square Disney Store?"" The answer: Three. Later, Stevie Starr shows Dave the magic of forcing yourself to regurgitate.

Nathan Lane, Chalize Theron, Carly Simon

Paul introduces this year's National League champions, the Atlanta Braves, until Dave tells him that the Florida Marlins actually won. Later, Carly Simon and Jimmy Webb perform a duet.

Mike Wallace, Kelly Montieth, LL Cool J

Dave presents ""The Story Behind the Story: The Rolling Stones,"" which looks at the dramatic and emotionally draining production of a ""Behind the Music""-type show.

Robert Pastorelli, Harmony Korine, Smash Mouth

WCBS-TV presents a skit about a pancake that looks like Paul. Later, Robert Pastorelli promotes his new drama ""Cracker.""

Mariah Carey, Anthony Clark

Dave shows (bogus) footage of businessmen jumping out of windows on Wall Street; we take a look at ""What Dave Did with the Extra Hour from Standard Time""; Mariah Carey sings ""Butterfly.""

Maria Martiromo, Penn & Teller, Amy Grant

Following yesterday's sell-off on Wall Street, Dave shows footage of deceased stockbrokers ascending back through windows after today's market recovery. Later, Penn and Teller perform a new trick.

Ellen Barkin, Bobby Bonilla, Angelo Massagli

Biff plays ""Let's Scare the Crap Out of Rupert Jee,"" while Dave interviews Bobby Bonilla of the World Series Champion Florida Marlins.

Kid Scientists, David Hyde Pierce, Andy Greene

Lee Marek helps Dave out with a sextet of Kid Scientists.

Stupid Human Tricks, Naomi Campbell, Bobby Brown

In honor of the new movie ""Boogie Nights,"" Dave shows bogus clips of Paul and Nadine Hennelly in 70's-era porno films. Meanwhile, Tony impresses Dave with his clown costume.

John Travolta, Cybill Shepard, Kuznetsov Troupe

Dave shows a picture of production associate Tara Callahan, who ran in the New York Marathon; John Travolta plugs Face-Off; Martin Short appears for exactly thirty seconds.

Danny Aiello, Helena Bonham Carter, Mandy & Dora Lee Patinkin

1997: We go to Joe G.'s in search of a political candidate, and we find an unsuspecting patron named Lee Holt. Later in the show, Lee becomes the subject of a hastily-produced attack ad.

Sarah Ferguson, Kelly McGillis, Leann Rimes

Dave, Paul, Alan, Calvert, and Anton (as ""Buddy"") star in ""Late Show: The Movie."" Also, Rudy Guiliani (poorly) disguises himself as a audience member in the latest edition of ""Who Asked For It?""

Harry Connick Jr., Pamela Lee

Dave shows a fake ad for a PBS documentary about the band KISS. Later, a lady in the audience who Dave accidentally threw a blue card near is now wearing a cervical collar.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Heather Matarazzo, B.B. King & Tracy Chapman

Casey Kasem introduces the ""Late Show Chair of Mystery."" Also, BB King and Tracy Chapman perform a soulful duet.

Wesley Snipes, Naomi Judd, Martina Hingis

""Master Mentalist"" Pat Farmer does a demonstration on Kenny Sheehan; singer-restaurateur Naomi Judd cooks a family recipe for Dave.

Claire Danes, Michelle Kwan, Lorrie Morgan

Dave makes a bad phone call for an audience member, then comments on Marv Albert's legal troubles.

Marv Albert, Daniel Scribner & Tylin Hall, John Fogerty

The greatest six minutes in Late Show history: When the Top Ten card is missing, Dave runs out of the theater, is hit by a cab, runs into Al Roker, and goes into Flashdancers and takes the card off one of the strippers. Shortly afterwards, Paul, missing his sheet music for the Top Ten, runs out of the theater, is hit by a tour bus, runs into Regis Philbin, and goes into the NY Stock Exchange, where he finds his sheet music on the floor. Just as Dave begins the Top Ten, Biff is missing his headset, so he runs out of the theater, is hit by a police horse, runs into Gavin MacLeod, and goes into a Burger King to grab a headset off a sales clerk. When he finally returns, there is no time left for the Top Ten.

Bill Murray, Alison Eastwood, Matchbox 20

Live from the Edwards Air Force Base, Bruce Willis and Billy Bob Thornton race to earn the title of ""World's Fastest Movie Star."" Also, Bill Murray plugs ""The Man Who Knew Too Little.""

Don Rickles, Heather Graham, Lou Reed

During Mailbag, Gerard performs a Broadway-style number about the possibility of him getting fired. Also, Heather Graham plugs ""Boogie Nights.""

Richard Simmons, Venus Williams, Wynonna

Dave plugs the new CD ""Live on Letterman,"" then goes door-to-door offering to rake leaves.

Tom Arnold, Kordell Stewart, Elvis Costello

It's another ""Quarterback Challenge"" as Pittsburgh Steelers field general Kordell Stewart and Dave aim footballs at a water tower across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Sigourney Weaver, David Brenner, Trischa Yearwood

Dave (supposedly) calls the Butterball Turkey Handling Hotline, while two mailmen (Leonard and Gerard) present a U.S. Post Office-sanctioned message about on-the-job safety.

Danny DeVito, Sarah Michelle Gellar

Tony Mendez interrupts Dave, pointing out that he's missing a cue card. It turns out it was with Tony Randall all along.

Kirstie Alley, Luke Perry, Shengyang Acrobats

Dave shows a (bogus) ad for a Clinton phone sex hotline, while Kirstie Alley plugs ""Veronica's Closet.""

John Cusak, Natalie Portman, Stomp with Bill Irwin

Paul leaves the show to hosts his own spinoff chatfest; comedian Bill Irwin; the cast of ""Stomp"" performs.

Kids Tell Jokes, Marisa Tomei, James Taylor

Dave brings in cab driver Carlos Andrede, who becomes the master of ceremonies in the hastily-produced ""Carlos Andrede Thanksgiving Day Parade,"" featuring performances from Miss New York 1998 and the Rutgers University Marching Band.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Anthony Edwards, Joost Elffers

A high school marching band from Memphis storms through the audience after ""Know Your Current Events.""

Kevin Spacey, Art Donovan, Wallflowers

It's time for another call to Dave's mom to play ""Guess the Pies""; tonight, she's baked coconut butterscotch pecan pie and cherry pie as well as a sculpted head of Dave made of stuffing. Also, George Clarke starts singing to the new live CD.

Jon Stewart, John Witherspoon, Days of the New

During Mailbag, Dave bags groceries. Also, in spoof of those high-related FOX specials, Dave and Paul reveal one of the magician's secrets.

Courteney Cox, Peyton Manning, Shania Twain

Grover Washington, Jr. sits in; Dave shows a Sing and Snore Ernie that he bought yesterday, and it's head tragically comes off with blood gushing out; Dave and Heisman Trophy candidate Peyton Manning go one-on-one in the latest Late Show QB Challenge.

Helen Hunt, Terrell Davis, Chumbawamba

Sir Anthony Hopkins, Eric Lindros, Enya

Nathan Lane, Hazelle Goodman, Mitch Fatel

The outside cam reveals Buddy (Bill Clinton's dog) trying to get inside Hooters. Also, Nathan Lane sings a brief song about Hanukkah.

Alex D Linz, Jerry O'Connell, Bryan Adams

During Mailbag, Dave and Paul give birth to septuplets. Also, child actor Alex D. Linz plugs ""Home Alone 3.""

Kevin Costner, Tyra Banks, Nina & Nickolai

Dave and Tony go to Giants Stadium so Tony can be a kicker, with a little help from Giants coach Jim Fassel, plus kickers Brad Daluiso and Danny Kanell; a man claiming to be the new president of Iran promotes the ""Live on Letterman"" CD; Tyra Banks shows Dave her $3 million bra.

Pam Grier, Tom Everett Scott, James Brown

A plastic Statue of Liberty, a giant meatball, and a pile of bagels are placed on top of the Late Show Christmas Tree. Later in the show, a preacher in the audience puts sauce on the meatball.

Greg Kinnear, Djimon Hounsou, Ben Folds Five

Dave annoys Paul with his impersonation of John Wayne speaking French: ""Bonjour, mon ami.""

Leslie Nelson, Michelle Yeoh, Hanson

Dave shows a (bogus) clip of him as a 50's-era child actor, while Biff receives Foster's Lager ® from an Australian audience member.

Pierce Brosnan, Lou Holtz

""James Bond"" (Tom Manino) comes up from the audience at Dave's insistance. Later in the show, Pierce Bronson and his doppleganger go one-on-one. Also, Paul wears his christmas present from Dave: a Jerry Springer-style wig.

Joan Lunden, Angelo Massaglini, G. Love with Special Sauce & Dr. John

In honor of the week's top-grossing film, Titanic, the stage floods with water. Also, Rupert introduces ""Rudolph, the Littlest Reindeer.""

Terry Bradshaw, Billy Zane, Darlene Love

It's ""Holiday Tradition Night"" on the Late Show: Another Darlene Love/Bette Sussman performance of ""Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),"" along with another Paul Shaffer impression of Cher's ""O Holy Night,"" not to mention another Late Show QB Challenge with Jay Thomas. Also, Biff goes to Queens to look for Santa.

Quentin Tarantino, Anne Heche, Kenny Wayne Shepard Band

During Mailbag, ""The Biff Henderson Celebrity Telephone Interview"" interrogates a man claiming to be Dick Clark. Later in the show, during Dave's interview with Anne Heche, Ellen Degeneres walks onstage with ""their"" baby (actually Michelle O'Callaghan's).

Bridget Fonda, Matt Damon, Allan Harvey

David Sanborn sits in; Ms. Markey's kindergarten kids in Bowie, MD each write an essay titled ""If I Could Have One Wish""; Bridget Fonda promotes ""Jackie Brown.""

Marilu Henner, Leila Kenzle, George Miller

Dave talks about his plans for New Year's.

Samuel L. Jackson, Howie Long, Louie C.K.

Like he does every year, Dave regales us with another one of his far-fetched New Year's stories. After Leon Pendarvis brings him down to earth, Dave confesses that he and Biff celebrated by photocopying their face at Kinko's.

Tom Brokaw, Tobey Maquire, Fiona Apple

Leon's still here; a customer from Joe G's stars in the quickie movie ""Titanic: Death Boat ‘98""; the outside-cam reveals radioactive steam coming out of the Chrysler Building.

Norm MacDonald, Peta Wilson, Streb

Recently deposed ""Weekend Update"" anchorman Norm MacDonald vents his anger to Dave; daredevil dance group Streb performs.

Minnie Driver, Paul Simon, Cast of The Capeman

Marc Anthony and the Broadway cast members perform a song from Paul Simon's new musical ""The Capeman.""

Penelope Ann Miller, Terry Pledger, Collective Soul

CBS Mailbag: Chris Schmitt of Ottawa, Kansas asks why Biff has a scowl on his face. Biff comes onstage as a lobster is hooked on his backside. Later, Dave explains the formula for comedy success: ""Lobster + Ass = Funny!""

Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle, Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham

Mick Fleetwood sits in, and later he plays drums for tonight's musical guests, fellow Fleetwood Mac members Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.

Bill Pullman, Jim Breuer, Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham

Mick Fleetwood sits in again, now joined by pianist Allen Toussaint. Also, tonight's ""May We See Your Photos, Please?"" is a surprising disappointment, as there was only one customer, and he was dropping off a roll of film.

Peter O'Toole, Martin Scorcese

""Dave Sucks"" is spray-painted onto the World Trade Center, while ""The Masked Magician"" (Pat Farmer) performs a dangerous trick on Kenny Sheehan.

Kenneth Branagh, Spice Girls, Jim Nantz

Biff has hot towels for the audience, while the Spice Girls perform ""Stop.""

Ben Stiller, Sandra Bernhard, Jars of Clay

Mailbag: Biff stars in the Swedish sitcom knockoff ""Mjørk and Minde."" Also, famed session keyboardist Chuck Leavell sits in.

Michael Isikoff, Sarah Ferguson

Dave finds three girls in the audience that have never slept with President Clinton; Bob Borden covers the Super Bowl, so Dave implies that Sparky Mortimer can actually get some studying done this year; for one night only, the Top Ten Office moves to Worchester, Pennsylvania; Dave chats with the Newsweek reporter that broke the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

Robert Duvall, Kennedy, Emmylou Harris

Dave brings out his top intern Duane, who might be a Chippendale dancer on the side. Also, Dave complains about Late Show knockoffs and shows as an example ""The Simon Harvey Show"" from Australia. The host: Tony Randall.

Michael Keaton, Brian Williams, Blues Traveller

John Popper sits in; Dave does the first of his many all-Clinton monologues.

David Spade, Justin Miller, Jeff Garlin

Ruth Brown sits in, while Dave makes crepes with child cooking prodigy Justin Miller.

Ethan Hawke, Merrill Markoe

Paul performs a song promoting Tom Selleck's appearance next week, while Dave and Merrill Markoe pretend to flirt.

Tom Arnold, Steve Forbes, Jake Johannsen

Throughout the week, guitarist Mike Campbell fills in for Felicia, who has the flu; Dave mentions that yesterday was the sixteenth anniversary of the debut of Late Night; Tom Arnold promotes his struggling, self-titled WB sitcom.

John Goodman, Mitch Hedberg, Jeff Gordon

Anton introduced as Prince Randusi of Senegal; Mike Campbell is still here; ten interns present the Top Ten; John Goodman shows a clip of him jumping into a fountain pool.

Dan Akroyd, Naomi Campbell, Duncan Sheik

Dan Aykroyd promotes Blues Brothers 2000, which, might I add, co-stars Paul Shaffer. Also, Duncan Sheik performs ""Everyone, Everywhere.""

Dan Rather, Honeymoon the pig, Cast of Ragtime

Dave chats Pam Amba and ""Honeymoon,"" the pig that saved her life.

Drew Barrymore, Shania Twain

It's the opening of the Winter Olympics, so Dave announces miniature Ski-Jumping Dogs in the backdrop. Also, live via satellite, Dave chats with his mom in Nagano, Japan.

Richard Simmons, John Elway

Throughout the night, ski-jumping dogs perform in the backdrop; Felicia returns; Dorothy Letterman makes her first report from Nagano.

Bill Cosby, Blues Brothers

Remote: Dave goes door-to-door in New Jersey again, this time to ask about the Winter Olympics. Also, to promote their new film, the reunited Blues Brothers Band (including Paul, Dan Aykroyd, John Goodman, and a twelve-year-old boy) perform ""Sweet Home Chicago.""

Stupid Human Tricks, Cindy Crawford, Jonny Moseley

Jonny ""Big Air"" Moseley, Gold-medal winner for Mogul Skiing, shows off the large pieces of whitebread being served to the American Olympians.

Adam Sandler, Jack Hanna

While playing ""Know Your Current Events,"" a soon-to-be unemployed stewardess for United Airlines tells Dave, ""Passengers are our worst enemy."" Also, ten US Olympic hockey players present the Top Ten, while Dorothy interviews Kristi Yamaguchi, Jim Nantz, and K. C. Boutiette.

Bruce Willis, LeAnn Rimes & Bryan White

Live via satellite, it's Dave's mom at the Winter Olympics in Nagano, Japan, where she introduces a skiing monkey. She also presents the Top Ten.

Heather Locklear, Tom Selleck

Live via satellite in Nagano, Japan: Dorothy's feeling under the weather, Biff and his wife Carolyn chat with Winter Olympic athletes. Also, Tony shows us a cue card supposedly burned in an office fire that weekend, while Dale Earnhardt, Sr. presents the Top Ten.

Mike Myers, Paula Cole

Mike Myers chats with (live via satellite) his mother, while Dorothy interrogates Picabo Street.

Nathan Lane, Bingo Granny

Regis, Paul, Mujibur and Sirajul help Dave learn how to skate a la Kristi Yamiguchi, while Dave and Jerry Foley observe and interview ""Future Olympic Hopefuls.""

Bob Dole, Marilyn Manson

Almost halfway into the show, Dave suddenly leaves and gets into a cab that drives to Mexico, then San Francisco. Dave then boats across the Pacific, stops in Japan and sweeps the ice during an Olympic Curling competition in Nagano. Also in Nagano, Dorothy stumbles upon Bob Dole, while Biff searches for celebrity look-alikes.

Stupid Pet Tricks, Jonny Moseley

In ""Day in New York City with Olympic Judges,"" the one female judge gives Dave's performance in bed a 2.8; during Stupid Pet Tricks, Biff demonstrates a trick he learned in Nagano; throughout the night, Jonny Moseley ski-jumps outside the theater on 53rd Street.

Jeff Bridges, Nikki Stone, John Fogerty

Paul Newman drops by to annoy Dave; outtakes from last week's ""Olympic Hopefuls"" piece are shown; Dave persuades a less-than-homesick Dorothy to go back to Indianapolis.

Kelsey Grammer, Sarah Tueting & Cammi Granato, Sarah McLachlan

Dave points out that Rob Burnett made a cameo on last night's episode of Cosby; the editors of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue reveal that most of the photo shoot was done at the White House; Dave chats with Cammi Granato and Sarah Tueting of the gold medal-winning US women's hockey team.

Susan Sarandon, Eric Bergoust, Aretha Franklin

David ""Fathead"" Newman sits in on sax; Bob Borden reports from the Grammys; Dave shows an ad for ""Saddam's Beret Bazaar.""

David Schwimmer, Chris Witty, Shawn Colvin

Kate Winslet, Tara Lipinski, Ray Romano

Patrick Stewart, Frank Urbancic, Joan Cusak

As usual, Dave cheats in his annual competition with the World Grocery Bagging Champion. This years' sucker: Frank Urbancic. Also, Dave shows a (bogus) clip of President Clinton skiing, then shows a preview of the upcoming CBS special ""Pat Farmer: Master Escape Artist"" (co-starring Kenny Sheehan).

Kid Scientists, Gabriel Byrne, Richie Sambora

In the latest ""Kid Scientists"" segment, Lee Marek and his prodigies demonstrate the concept of heat. Also, Richie Sambora performs ""All That Really Matters.""

Helena Bonham Carter, Peter Fonda, Loreena McKennitt

Biff's latest celebrity interview involves a fat, bald guy claiming to be Leonardo DiCaprio.

Siskel & Ebert, Karl Malone, Mark Chesnutt

Gerard hosts ""The Making of the Top Ten,"" a short documentary that reveals more about the writers' animosity towards Dave than the comedy bit that's being profiled. Also, Mark Chesnutt sings ""Useless.""

Norm MacDonald, Richie Stachowski

Mailbag: Dave and his bodyguard (Bill DeLace) have a falling out. Also, Dave chats with 12-year-old inventor/entrepreneur Richie Stachowski, creator of Water Talkies.

Emma Thompson, Alex Zanardi, Willie Nelson & Emmylou Harris

Dave wears glasses for the duration of the show (a sign of things to come); Sean Pelton fills in for Anton, whom Dave dubs ""Anton Zippy Stickwork;"" Wilford Brimley sits in ""Paul Shaffer's Chair of Mystery;"" Formula One racing star Alex Zanardi cooks.

John Travolta, Jack Johnson, The Chieftains

It looks at first like the studio is being filled with green beer, but it turns out that one of the camera lenses have been tinted; ""Leonardo DiCaprio"" (Gerard) gloats over his newfound stardom; Dave chats with child actor Jack Johnson.

Bill Murray, Eddie Izzard, Gheorge Meuresun

Dennis Hopper, Robert Klein, Patricia Heaton

Charles Grodin, Edward Burns, Marcy Playground

Dave shows a (bogus) ad for British Airways that is bursting with disclaimers; Laurie Diamond milks a cow backstage; another edition of ""Please Stop Calling Me Chief"" provides entertainment only to Dave; Charles Grodin acts remarkably hostile during his interview.

Dolly Parton, Bob Hoskins

Biff hangs with the New York Yankees during Spring Training, while everybody in the audience gets free tickets to fly on British Airways.

Al Franken, Lauren Holly, Ani DiFranco

Paul is introduced as ""Ramone Conde""; Dave introduces Mishi, the world record holder for smallest man alive, and later Mishi holds a kitty to demonstrate his miniscule size on camera; Helen Hunt (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten.

Evander Holyfield, Joseph Loveland, Michael Moore

Paul is introduced as Al Roker; throughout the night, Pat Farmer throws basketballs from the roof and into a bathtub on 53rd Street; Dave complains that the balls are ""fruity""; Dave chats with a man who found $70,000 in a garbage can, then returned it to its rightful owner.

Don Rickles, Mimi Rogers, Steve Miller

Biff reports on Yankees Spring Training, where he follows/stalks Paul O'Neill. Also, Steve Miller performs ""Fly Like An Eagle.""

Alec Baldwin, Heather Graham, Barenaked Ladies

Paul is introduced as Cubby O'Brien; Heather Graham meets The Guy on Fire; Alec Baldwin helps Heather in a weird April Fool's gag in which they sign off and wish everybody a good night a la Saturday Night Live.

Tom Brokaw, Ice Cube, Natalie Imbruglia

Bruce Willis is live via satellite in Idaho from the set of his upcoming film ""Breakfast of Champions."" All night long he's inside a television monitor that bungee jumps off the roof, then gets dropped onto glass, a bathtub of pudding, and finally gets smashed from six stories onto the street. Also, Tom Brokaw gets annoyed by Dave and in mid-interview walks right back to 30 Rockefeller Center.

Tom Hanks, Matt Medenweldt, Scott Weiland

Tom Hanks interrupts the monologue because he and Dave are dressed alike; throughout the night, spelling bee champ Edmund Gillette stands next to Rob's desk and spells words; during Mailbag, Alan Kalter reacts badly to a letter asking if he's a freak by visiting the letter-writer (Jay Johnson) and punching in his face; Tom gets a new suit.

Matt LeBlanc, Natasha Henstridge, The Lynns

Dave appears in student films as a side income, while Bob Borden runs throughout the city searching for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Quentin Tarantino, Steven Weber, Clint Black

Clint Black sits in; Dave comments on the hot new drug Viagra, then shows a bogus ad for The Teletubbies.

James Belushi, Lacey Chabert, Robbie Robertson

Throughout the night, Bob Borden tries to set off car alarms directly outside the theater; Dave announces that The Guy on Fire is willing to perform for $2700 a pop, though the guy will come out sans flames for only $700; Jim Belushi attempts singing a old Perry Como song.

Val Kilmer, Jimmie Walker, cast of Cabaret

After mentioning a minor disagreement from earlier today, Dave announces his ""blood feud"" with director Jerry Foley; Mujibur and Sirajul appear on Jerry Springer, and no one's surprise, beat the crap out of each other; Dave starts ostracizing all the people who support Jerry in the ongoing squabble; Alan Cumming and the cast of the Broadway revival of Caberet perform the opening number.

Billy Crystal, Hatty Jones, Tori Amos

During CBS Mailbag, a viewer asks if Dave has any plans to air his show from the space shuttle. Somehow as a response, astronaut Buzz Aldrin is seen hitting golfballs on the theatre roof.

Gwyneth Paltrow, Harmony Korine, Wyclef Jean

Dave announces the birth of Jerry Foley's son; after showing footage from last year of Rob Burnett unwittingly scaring his young daughter in a Easter Bunny suit, he tries on a different outfit with more or less the same results; Harmony Korine almost says something coherent while being interviewed about his new book, which he wouldn't particularly recommend, so Dave tells him to go back to his hotel and take a shower.

Claire Danes, George Miller, Matthew Ryan

The Guy Not on Fire announces that he is now available for commercials and endorsements, and later in the show he is seen in an ad for Sizzler. Also, Danny DeVito comes out onstage twice to protest Dave's jokes about him being a car hood ornament.

Jason Alexander, Isabella Rossellini, Steve Earle

The Guy Not on Fire appears in his first paid ad (for Elite Computers); a chat with Jason Alexander is interrupted by another inane special report by Alan Richardson; Steve Earle and the Dukes perform ""I Still Carry You Around.""

Ricki Lake, Vaughn Cordle, Rita Wilson

""Know Your Current Events"" is interrupted so that The Man Not on Fire can pitch the Biore® self-heating mask. Later in the show, Dave admits that he's on a guilt trip for bumping an audience member for the shameless plug.

Jennifer Aniston, Jerry Springer, Al Green

Amongst the festivities of ""Chicago Night"": Jerry Springer's bouncers stand on opposite sides of the stage; The Man Not on Fire appears in an ad for Gold Coast Drugs; the Top Ten home office is temporarily moved to nearby Schaumberg, Illinois; local blues singer (and frequent guest) Taj Mahal presents the Top Ten; Bob Borden goes on a frantic pursuit through the Windy City attempting to get an interview with Oprah.

Marisa Tomei, Ryan Leaf, Alana Davis

Dave persuades an audience member named Gary to shave off his beard; The man who was on fire, then wasn't and is now on fire again promotes Kraus Chiropractic in Iowa; Gary orders a sandwich at Hello Deli; Dave and recent NFL draft pick Ryan Leaf throw footballs at a manhole.

Jack Hanna, Ray Allen, Dave Matthews Band

Willie ""Blue Moon"" Watts sits in on pedal guitar; Dave announces that there have been some technical difficulties they may prevent Johnny Depp from appearing on the 1000th show later in the week; The Man on Fire sings the praises of Feline Pine kitty litter.

Patrick Swayze, Hugh Hefner

The latest roll call suggests that The Guy on Fire has officially sold out when he runs across the stage (in flames, of course) holding a sign for Highland Metals, Inc.

Gena Lee Nolan, Mark Wahlberg, Brian Regan

A monkey assumes power in the control room, while the Top Ten is interrupted by Antoine's Po' Boys and Deli spokesperson The Man on Fire.

Elle MacPherson, Jon Favreau, Usher

Maynard Ferguson sits in again; Paul runs the Kentucky Derby; Dave shows a microphone plaque he got from the staff.

Donald Trump, Jayson Williams, Cast of Home Coming, Trisha Yearwood

The cast of the faux musical ""Homecoming"" performs a show-stopping number. Also, Trisha Yearwood performs ""Never Let You Go Again.""

Sally Field, Philip Bigler, Lyle Lovett

Biff tries out tobacco juice spin art; Dave shows a clip from last night's show in which he mixed up ""Viagra"" with ""Niagara""; Biff teaches Sally Field how to spit tobacco juice.

Matt Lauer, Jada Pinkett Smith, Green Day

Dave promotes his new talk show summer camp, while Green Day performs ""King for a Day.""

Marilu Henner, Jim Lovell

Biff goes to Texas to learn to be a cowboy, and to make tonight's audience (residents of Houston) feel more at home, Lyle Lovett shows up to sing an old Hank Williams song, with Biff riding his horse onstage.

Fran Drescher, Bob Berman, Faith Hill

Dave visits a group of sailors on the audience, and one of them does a push-up onstage; Dave shows the audience today's (bogus) edition of The Family Circus; Faith Hill performs ""This Kiss.""

Christopher Reeve, Hanson

Dave shows another bogus ""Family Circus"" cartoon; Paul is discovered cheering on Hanson with a small army of teenyboppers outside.

Warren Beatty, Wayne Knight, Bonnie Raitt

Dave notices the standby audience really has nothing to do, so makes them do a jigsaw puzzle. When they finish it at the end of the show, we see that it's an image of Al Chez.

Jim Breuer, Tara Lipinski, Foo Fighters

Dave gripes about the eight-minute late start for the show tonight due to golf coverage. Rapidly becoming despondent, he picks up a bottle of tequila and tosses back a few at the desk. Also, Dave mentions that the CBS program Diagnosis Murder had the unfortunate distinction of airing a brand new episode up against the Seinfeld finale, and shows a clip that proves that they were phoning it in.

Richard Simmons, Beau Jaques and the Zydeco Highrollers

Continuing a sweeps period trend of having the audience represent a different city, Dave greets 700+ residents of New Orleans, Louisiana. Keeping up with the theme, Mayor Mark Morial presents Paul with a key to the city, Na'lens native John Goodman presents the Top Ten, and Biff visits Bourbon Street.

Matthew Broderick, David Wells, Natalie Merchant

The outside cam peers through the window of Dave's office to show the world a very hideous billboard promoting the sitcom Friends. Matthew Perry drops by to vandalize the advertisement.

Sandra Bullock, Jeff Foxworthy, Cast of One Small Step

The outside cam returns to the Friends ad that Matthew Perry wrecked last night, and Dave explains why he shouldn't be sued; Rob Burnett draws another doodle of Dave's lawyers; the Top Ten list is interrupted by the office manager in Wahoo, Nebraska (voice of Charles Grodin).

Drew Carey, Scarlett Johannson, Soul Asylum

Biff reports from a Bulls-Pacers playoff game; teen actress Scarlett Johansson promotes The Horse Whisperer; Rob Burnett is dressed to the nines tonight, so Dave asks him to host the last twenty minutes of the show.

Ted Danson, Mae Whitman, The Flatlanders

A hairstylist that appeared in tonight's ""Know Your Current Events"" cuts Dave's hair for twenty bucks. He later gives her a $1000 tip.

Harry Connick, Jr., Hank Azaria

A parody of VH-1's ""Behind the Music"" features Paul Shaffer's rise and fall and rise again, with testimonials from Kris Kristofferson, Eddie Vedder, Sting, Erik Estrada (who replaced Paul as bandleader), Lou Reed, and WCBS-TV's local news anchor Dana Tyler (see recap).

John Goodman, Esther Canadas, Sarah McLachlan

Dave updates his map of the various locales in which he has received speeding tickets; Dave mentions that the son of Dave Dorsett was selected in today's MLB draft; Biff promotes his new culinary program ""Cookin' Naked with Biff""; Art Garfunkel shoots free throws, and then goes one-on-one with a lookalike staffer named Gary.

Norm MacDonald, Jacques Villeneuve, Randy Travis

All night long, animals lick the camera lens. Included are a pot-bellied pig, lemur, a skunk, a miniature horse, and a guy dressed as a cat (Film Coordinator Rick ""Shecky"" Scheckman). Also, Dave announces his new catchphrase: ""Holy crap!""

Sarah Jessica Parker, Bill Bradley, Chase Butrell

Sarah Jessica Parker promotes her new HBO comedy Sex and the City, while ""Paul Shaffer's Chair of Mystery"" reveals the uglier side of Julia Roberts (played by Kenny Rogers).

Evander Holyfield, Laura Linney, Fastball

After being bumped the last two nights, Late Show intern Jeremy Weiner finally gets his moment in the sun in ""Dave Hangs with Interns,"" a segment that lasts around five seconds.

George Carlin, Bob Saget, Emmylou Harris, Indigo Girls, Luscious Jackson, Rebekah

Live via satellite at the Beverly Hills Hotel in sunny Southern California, Walter Matthau gets a haircut. Also, Luscious Jackson, Emmylou Harris, and the Indigo Girls perfrom together to promote Lilith Fair '98.

Whoopi Goldberg, Janeane Garofalo

Tonight's remote: Delivery guys deliver stuff to Dave's ""apartment"" in Flushing Meadows; items include a tree, a clown, beer, a sofa, a TV, and a singing telegram.

Bill Cosby, Andy Dick

Dave tries to call Merv Griffin, but ends up chatting with his clueless receptionist; Dave shows a subpoena caddy he claims Martha Stewart made for President Clinton; Bill Cosby performs stand-up in a chair.

Bob Newhart, Nicole Sullivan, Wendy Liebman

Harrison Ford, Dane Cook

A Starbucks is opened inside the band section, while actor-comedian Dane Cook makes his television stand-up debut.

Charles Grodin, Paul Rodriguez

Dave obsesses over some new words in the Merriam Webster Dictionary, and then reads definitions from an advance copy to the audience.

Naomi Campbell, Luke Buchheit, Sinead O'Connor

Live from the Beverly Hills Hilton, Casey Kasem arm wrestles bellhops; Dave and Tony look for the best steak restaurant in NYC; Dave chats with a boy from Jersey who had seven prom dates.

David Duchovny, Stevie Nicks

The outside cam reveals the long line of people waiting with anticipation to see the next ""Charts and Graphs"" segment on June 30. Also, Dave is started to find that tonight's Top Ten has no title, but counts down anyway.

Ellen Barkin, Jeff Altman, Sonic Youth

An audience member walks out in disgust when Dave reminds everyone that the next ""Charts & Graphs"" segment in not for another two weeks. Also, Tony forgets a cue card and Dave gives him considerable grief.

Sam Donaldson, Gloria Reuben, Babyface & Des'ree

Dave promotes the overhauled Late Show site, while Tony Randall brags about having a baby (his second) at age 78 with his own Top Ten list.

Anthony Edwards, George Miller, Sean Lennon

Overexcited soccer commentator Andres Cantor presents the Top Ten; Sean Lennon performs ""Home.""

Piedmont Bird Callers, George Clooney, Steve Yzerman

The Piedmont Bird Callers, once a favored act on Johnny Carson's show, make their third-ever appearance on Letterman. Also, Dave chats with Steve Yzerman, captain of the back-to-back Stanley Cup champion Detroit Red Wings.

John McEnroe, The Pretenders

Al Norwood stirs Dave's coffee with the boom mike; Biff attempts to play the sax; Dave shows a clip of his supposed cameo in the ""X-Files"" movie.

Jennifer Lopez, Chris Eigeman, Largo

Tony gives Dave the finger, while up-and-coming singer/actress Jennifer Lopez promotes Out of Sight.

Dennis Quaid, Chloe Sevigny, Grant Lee Buffalo

Inspired by watching an episode of Wall Street Week where the panelists sit at a coffee table, Dave asks Biff to ""host"" the guests in the green room.

Mary Tyler Moore, Ron Eldard

Mailbag: Paul goes to desperate measures in order to get a raise, while Mujibur and Sirajul go on a wild goose chase for one of Dave's blue cards.

Lisa Kudrow, Mike Piazza, Billy Bragg & Wilco

Throughout the night, Pat and Kenny throw stuff off the roof, including two 5-gallon water jugs, a pinball machine, twenty gallons of paint, and a TV/VCR set playing a Jerry Springer tape.

Martha Anne Godwin, Kristen Johnston, Lucinda Williams

After several weeks of hype, hoopla, and anticipation, Dave finally does a ""Charts and Graphs"" segment; Dave claims that there's a webcam of him on the CBS site; child hollerin' champion Martha Anne Goodwin attempts to shatter Dave's eardrums.

Tom Brokaw, Steve Zahn, The Hummingbirds with Stevie Wonder & Paul Simon

Thinking that it's robbing him of half of his audience, Dave shows phony clips of the X-Games competition being aired on cable; The Dixie Hummingbirds (featuring Stevie Wonder and Paul Simon) perform ""Loves Me like a Rock.""

Ben Stiller, Hatty Jones, Spice Girls

In honor of Independence Day, Biff does a report from Colonial Williamsburg; Ben Stiller promotes There's Something About Mary; The Spice Girls make their first television appearance since the departure of Geri ""Ginger"" Halliwell.

The Beltway Bunch, Stupid Pet Tricks, Bob Dole

During Mailbag, various staffers show the audience their baby pictures; Dave introduces a musical comedy troupe called ""The Beltway Bunch"" (a rip-off of The Capital Steps), and Tony runs them offstage; just before introducing tonight's ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" Dave thanks Merrill Markoe (who underwent surgery earlier in the day) for giving him the idea to do this segment.

Don Rickles, Matt Drudge, Cherry Poppin' Daddies

Dave points out an audience member that resembles Rupert; Dave gives a little league baseball team a pep talk; Cherry Poppin' Daddies perform ""Here Comes the Snake.""

Matt Dillon, Daniel Boulud, Arj Barker

Soul singer Chuck Jackson sits in; Dave shows the audience what a laugh track looks like; the audience is forced to sit through another edition of ""Please Stop Calling Me Chief.""

Antonio Banderas, Chris Elliot

Some guy in a kimono sits in with the band; in honor of Antonio Banderas' new movie, Rob doodles on a legal pad to show what Dave would look like if he was Zorro; Chris Elliott and Gerard Mulligan do a taste test.

Anthony Hopkins, Cowboy Junkies

Know Your Current Events: the husband of one of tonight's contestants volunteers to be put to sleep by hypnotist Dr. Neil Cavey. Feeling anxious due to all the attention, he never falls asleep.

Gabriel Byrne, John Witherspoon, Tricky & P.J. Harvey

The ""Top Ten Cool Ways the Government Could Spend $63 Billion"" is followed by an investigation by WCBS reporter David Diaz, who scrutinizes the lack of effort put into the long-running comedy piece. Interviews with Gerard, Biff, Richard Jewell and FBI Agent Fox Mulder (David Duchovny) leave the mystery unsolved.

James Caan, Buck O'Neil, Lenny Kravitz

Live out on the street, we see the traffic ""congestion"" created by New York hosting the Goodwill Games; Dave changes his tie midway through the show; James Caan shaves his mustache.

Janet Jackson, Scott Farrell, Nanci Griffith

In the latest roll call, Dave signs ""Zorro"" (Anton), an audience member with an enormous cold sore, and ""Lynette the Late Show Opera Singer"" off the checklist.

Tony Danza, Peter Farrelly, Brian Wilson

Biff stands on the sidewalk in 95 degree heat as he tries to determine once again whether a Popsicle® or a Fudgesicle® will melt faster; around the corner from the theater, Dave hoses down passerby; The Farrelly Brothers promote the sleeper hit of 1998, There's Something About Mary, while they strut their ""knowledge"" of sumo wrestling.

Marilu Henner, Gloria Estefan

Biff visits Branson, Missouri, while Marilu Henner unsuccessfully tries to persuade Dave into doing some calisthenics.

Pauly Shore, Pam Grier, Natalie Imbruglia

A new feature debuts, as Dave announces #3 on the Top Ten List at the start of the show; Mujibur and Sirajul lose their virginity on an internet webcam, and later they hop in bed with Pauly Shore; Natalie Imbruglia performs ""Smoke.""

Jenny McCarthy, Adam Arkin, Tori Amos

Dave has a lengthy discourse on an article he read in Martha Stewart Living; ""Late Show Meteorologist"" Skip Hopson reports from 53rd Street; Tori Amos performs ""Spark.""

Kids with animals, Gary Sinise, Goo Goo Dolls

A softball game between Late Show staffers and the cast of Miss Saigon is rigged by Dave; Anton goes into ""Buddy Rich, Jr."" mode and performs drums solos throughout the night; The Goo Goo Dolls perform ""Iris.""

Yasmine Bleeth, David Brenner, Barenaked Ladies

Dave shows a personal ad from the Washington Post that looks like it was written by President Clinton; Alan fantasizes about waffles; Paul serenades Yasmine Bleeth.

Samuel L. Jackson, Jenni, Smashing Pumpkins

Dave chats with Jennifer Ringley, the Seattle-based college student best known for operating the voyeuristic website JenniCAM.

Jamie Lee Curtis, George Freestone

Dave points out an audience member who looks like Kenny Rogers; during ""Late Show en espanol,"" Tony walks out in a suit and bad wig and does a Letterman-type monologue; Dave chats with George Firestone, America's oldest living Boy Scout.

Drew Barrymore, Dee Dee Meyers, The Verve

During a segment in which he shows real and doctored Clinton and Gore news articles, Dave announces that his pants are too tight.

Noyz Boyz, Nathan Lane, Boy George & Culture Club

Paul and Anton Fig participate in a game called ""Average Television Viewer vs. Late Show Television Viewer.""

Penn & Teller, French Stewart, Wynton Marsalis

During the annual ""New for Summer"" segment, Mujibur and Sirajul are declared ""Late Show Prom King and Queen."" Later, Penn and Teller perform their new magic act.

Jerry Seinfeld, Hunter Scott

Dave feels highly suspect of the audience's intelligence during ""Know Your Current Events""; John Popper sits in with the band; Dave chats with Hunter Scott, a 13-year-old WW II history buff.

Tom Arnold, Doris Roberts, Blues Traveler

John Popper is still sitting in with the band, while Doris Roberts promotes ""Everybody Loves Raymond.""

Leslie Nielsen, David Roth, Teresa Witherspoon

Biff goes outside to annoy people with a bullhorn. Later, Dave meets David Roth, a noted coin magician.

Kevin Spacey, Bobby Rahal, Harvey Danger

Throughout the show, stockbrokers jump out of a fifth-story window.

Ray Liotta, Sela Ward, Liz Phair

""Riverdance"" performs live via telephone from Cincinnati. Later, Liz Phair promotes her new album, ""WhiteChocolateSpaceEgg.""

Angela Basset, Pete Townshend

Paul and somebody named ""Mary Beth"" host a spoof of ""Regis & Kathie Lee"" with Inky Mendez playing Gelman. Regis suddenly pops out of the audience, heckles them, and gets thrown out of the theater.

Wesley Snipes, Robert Klein

Wesley Snipes promotes the movie ""Spawn.""