Late Show with David Letterman Season 9, Episode 153: Stupid Human Tricks, Natalie Portman, X-ecutioners, Xzhibit, Biohazard

Will Ferrell, Tom Dreesen

Dave announces that instead of "whatever," from now on he will be saying "wherever"; during a segment called "While We Were Out," the male staff members commemorate a minor design change on the stage by sitting in Dave's chair buck naked; Will Ferrell makes a threating message in song to Barbra Streisand.

Bob Newhart, Maxwell

National Hollerin' Champions, Julia Stiles, Habib Koite & Bamada

Brooke Shields, John McEnroe, Joe Henry

Eric Kraff, Goran Ivanisevic

Connie Chung

Dave points out that Tony Mendez is mentioned in this week's "Talk of the Town" column in The New Yorker. Later, Jude Brennan makes her last appearance as the bitchy "Mrs. Letterman."

Jason Biggs, Daniel Tosh, Etta James

Charles Grodin, Michael Franti & Spearhead

Sarah Jessica Parker, John Witherspoon

Mayor Guiliani interrupts Dave's monologue; Sarah Jessica Parker promotes "Sex & the City."

Helen Fielding, Al Lubel

Tom Arnold, Brandi Chastain, Ralph Stanley & The Whites

David Schwimmer, Bjork

Carson Daly, US Marine Corps

Tim Robbins, Amy Sedaris, Jimmy Eat World

Eugene Levy, Rich Hall

Dan Rather, Regis Philbin

In the first show following the terrorist destruction of the World Trade Center, Dave welcomes CBS anchorman Dan Rather and Regis Philbin.

Bryant Gumbel, Denis Leary, Tori Amos

Matthew Broderick, John Miller, Odetta & The Boys Choir of Harlem

Walter Cronkite, Will Ferrell, Jewel

Merideth Viera, Stephen Ambrose, Sheryl Crow, Emmylou Harris, and Gillian Welch

Rudolph Giuliani, Katie Harmon

Dave welcomes national hero Rudy Guiliani to the show for the first time since the WTC disaster.

Marcia Gay Harden, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pete Yorn

Thomas Von Essen, Ben Stiller, Tenacious D

Hillary Clinton, Cast of '42nd Street'

Jason Alexander, Don Zimmer, Wyclef Jean

Elton John, Steve Zahn

Kate Beckinsale, Chris Kattan, Sarah Harmer

John Cusack, Grant Paulsen, Joe Strummer

During "What's the Deal With Old Guys and Enormous Glasses?" Dave wears a 70's-era pair of specs; John Cusack promotes Serendipity.

Owen Wilson, Lisa Ling, Ryan Adams

Paul composes a song about people that look like Burt Reynolds; Owen Wilson plugs Zoolander.

Joshua Jackson, Tiki Barber, Emo Phillips

Alan gives dating tips; Joshua Jackson promotes the upcoming season premiere of "Dawson's Creek;" Emo Philips does a stand-up routine on Dave's show for the first time since 1989.

Farrah Fawcett, Tina Fey, Garbage

Tom Cavanagh, Steve Hartman, Leona Naess

Nathan Lane, Cokie Roberts

Bruce Willis, Cody Arens, Alicia Keys

Out of the blue, Dave compliments the New York State Police, but Paul smells a rat. Dave claims he wasn't pulled over again. Meanwhile, Bruce Willis plays "drums" with his head and 7-year-old child actor Cody Arens plugs Riding in Cars with Boys.

Rose McGowen, Sarah Vowell, Jim Gaffigan

Steve Kroft, Bruce McCall, John Mellencamp

Jack Hannah, Justin Long, Daniel Rodriguez

Ethan Hawke, Judith Miller, Quincy Jones

John McCain, Brittany Murphy, Macy Gray

Kevin Kline, Richard Holbrooke, Caroline Rhea

David Hyde Pierce, U2

David Spade, Marv Albert, Laurie Anderson

Kevin Spacey, Amy Sedaris

Tom Brokaw, Gene Catron

John Travolta, Harland Williams

Jack Black, Tony Bennett

Billy Crystal, Brittany Spears

Marge Helgenberger, Gil de Ferran, Lyle Lovett

Stupid Pet Tricks, Vince Vaughn, Faith Evans

Richard Dreyfus, Brett Butler

Martin Lawrence, Natalie Merchant

Barbara Walters, David Radcliffe, Natalie Merchant

Harry Connick Jr., Bernie Mac

Steve Martin, Earl Scruggs

Richard Harris, George Carlin

Kevin James, Deion Sanders

Julia Roberts, Shelby Lynne

Jenna Elfman, Kid Rock

David Sedaris, Five for Fighting

Ray Romano, Mitch Hedberg

Kelly Ripa, Mort Sahl

George Clooney, Martha Stewart

Noah Wyle, George Miller, Carole King

Julia Stiles, Jeff Gordon

Jada Pinkett Smith, Thomas Friedman

Ellen DeGeneres, Dave Gorman, Kelly Goldsmith

Mariah Carey, Elijah Wood, Stereophonics

Andy Garcia, Chris Matthews

Kid Scientists, Liv Tyler, Cake

Michelle Pfeiffer, Dennis Regan

Meg Ryan, Diana Krall

Kevin Spacey, Jerome Bettis, Jane Monheit

Jamie Foxx, Rhys Ifans, Darlene Love

Marisa Tomei, Lenny Kravitz

Peter Jennings, Tom Ryan

Ian McKellan, Phil Simms

Rudolph Giuliani, P.O.D.

Lauren Graham, Eddie Brill

Gwyneth Paltrow, Starsailor

Cate Blanchett, Timothy Treadwell

Jennifer Connelly, Colin Soloway

What's "New for the Office" in 2002? The items Dave introduces include a Jack Daniels water cooler and a color printer that makes flapjacks. Also, throughout the night, various people walk onstage and gripe about Dave in French, Turkish, Russian and Japanese.

Jack Black, Foo Fighters

Tom Cruise, Tom Papa

Ethan Zohn, Josh Hartnett, Remy Zero

Cuba Gooding Jr., Jewel

David Brenner, Howie Long, Jewel

Cynthia Nixon, Mario Andretti, Willie Nelson & Rob Thomas

Darrell Hammond, Elayne Boosler, Willie Nelson & Lyle Lovett

Jimmy Kimmell, Julie Bowen, Cracker

Bruce Willis, Ivan Neville

Tim Russert, Jason Schwartzman

Merv Griffin, Phantom Planet

Regis Philbin, Steven Wright

LL Cool J, John McEnroe

Amy Brenneman, Martin Rees, Shakira

Disgraced Enron CEO "Kenneth Lay" sits in with the band, and is later seen shredding songsheets.

Adam Vinatieri, Chris Matthews

Mariska Harkitay, George Divoky, Alan Jackson

Andy Richter, Jake Johannsen

Janet Jackson, Enrique Iglesias

Stephanie makes her first report from Salt Lake City, in which she shows Dave a photo of her watching the opening ceremonies on TV; Dave can't stop staring at Janet Jackson's revealing outfit; Enrique Iglesias sings "Escape."

Denis Leary, India.Arie

Kelly Clark, Jeri Ryan

Calista Flockhart, Incubus

Colin Farrell, Colin Quinn

Ross Powers, Mila Kunis

Casey FitzRandolph, Ashleigh Banfield

Simon Ammann, Kevin Bacon

Halle Berry, Jonny Moseley

Richard Dreyfuss, Jeff Foxworthy

Jill Bakken and Vonnetta Flowers, Kelsey Grammer, Alanis Morissette

Martin Short, Jack Hanna

Stupid Human Tricks, Cher

In honor of his recent nomination, Paul and the gang participate in a Grammy-themed edition of "Stump the Band;" during "Stupid Human Tricks," a fourteen-year-old girl performs "Feliz Navidad" with her nose; Cher sings "Song for the Lonely."

Tom Arnold, Nappy Roots

Cokie Roberts, Al Lubel

Ray Romano, Jason Kidd

Regis Philbin, Andie MacDowell, Evelyn Glennie

Rene Russo, Bob Sarlatte, The Chieftains

John McCain, The White Stripes

Dave mentions that Paul has been keeping himself busy, as he performed not only at this year's Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies, but also at the much-ballyhooed Liza Minelli-David Gest wedding; Dave continues to gloat over his Aftonbladet award, which he nonchalantly drinks from Stanley Cup-style; The White Stripes perform "Fell In Love With a Girl."

Jon Stewart, Kit Armstrong

Dave asks Paul to play some Gene Pitney; the "Late Show Psychic Test Drive" finds Rupert driving Deborah Lynn around the city in a 2001 Chevy Malibu; Dave chats with boy genius Kit Armstrong.

Bonnie Hunt, N.E.R.D.

Dave and Paul discuss the vernal equinox and the old wives tale that you're supposed to be able to stand an egg on its end at the moment of the equinox; Dave mentions that "Will It Float" is quickly becoming a fan favorite, then correctly predicts that a half-gallon of strawberry ice cream will float; N.E.R.D. performs "Rock Star."

Adam Arkin, Amy Sedaris, Midnight Oil

Alan reports on what everybody was wearing at last night's Oscars (all the men wore tuxedos), while Adam Arkin promotes the critically-disdained sitcom Baby Bob.

Barbara Walters, Shannon McNally

Dave shows a (bogus) clip of the upcoming Baby Bob spin-off "Baby Jacques," which is just like the original show except everybody speaks in a French accent; a proud tradition continues as a Hello Deli customer goes on a Easter meatball hunt; Alan apologizes for his comments toward Gwyneth Paltrow on last night's show, then inadvertently insults Uma Thurman.

Peter Krause, Doris Kearns Goodwin

Eric Burdon of The Animals sits in; during the "Odd Catalogs" segment, Dave displays an ad for a "Government-seized and repossessed hairpiece blowout"; the Hi-Ho girls deliver a birthday cake to Tony; Doris Kearns Goodwin addresses rumors of plagiarism.

Robin Williams, Sevendust

Biff shows footage of him harassing New Yorkers with a bullhorn; the New York National Guard presents the Top Ten; Sevendust (featuring Paul) performs "Angel's Son."

Andy Dick, Mike Britt

Mailbag: Tony's apparent sexiness forces George Clarke to drown his sorrows in a bucket of chicken at KFC; Dave shows off a tattoo on his leg that he wishes he didn't have (the ABC logo); after learning that Alan makes more money than him, Tony meets George at KFC.

Marv Albert, Charlotte Ross

Acid jazz legend Herbie Hancock sits in on keyboards; Dave orders Steph/Monty to buy French fries; Marv Albert shows off another one of his blooper reels.

Tim Robbins, Jimmie Walker, Cast of Oklahoma

During the latest Celebrity X-Ray Challenge, Dave persuades Rupert to lip sync a song from Oklahoma!

Michael J. Fox, Patti Smith

After Dave notices that Alan bears a slight resemblance to Fred MacMurray, the announcer and a Barbara Stanwyck stand-in recreate a scene from Double Indemnity. Also, Patti Smith sings "Dancing Barefoot."

Selma Blair, Dick Enberg

Biff introduces footage from his latest trip to Yankees Spring Training in Florida, while a fully-packed suitcase is subjected to "Will It Float?"

Bob Newhart, Demetri Martin

Will Lee stands in for Biff on pin duty, and for his troubles he receives the tradition gift of Samsonite® luggage; during Mailbag, two "girl scouts" (Harold Larkin and Mike McIntee) destroy Paul's office for being behind on his cookie payments; ten members of the Coast Guard present the Top Ten.

Rosie Perez, George Miller

In honor of his departure from The Early Show; Dave shows footage of moving men with cardboard boxes superimposed over Bryant Gumbel talking in mid-broadcast; "Survivor: Marquesas" also-ran Gina Crews demonstrates her talent for spitting watermelon seeds; George Miller brags that his grandfather invented the handshake.

John Ashcroft

Dave models a hideous pair of glasses he found in his house; a woman from Portland, Oregon rides around in Al Norwood's 2001 Honda S2000; Dave tries to get Attorney General John Ashcroft to sing, but only does so during the commercial breaks.

Sandra Bullock, Billy Norris, Sheryl Crow

After his reluctance to sing on last night's show, Dave is appalled to find US Attorney General John Ashcroft crooning "When The Eagles Soars" on TRL; Alan impersonates Fred MacMurray again; Sheryl Crow sings "Soak Up The Sun."

Dee Dee Davis, Cameron Diaz, The Strokes

Dave receives another comedy class project from Miss Markey's Kindergarten class, while The Strokes perform "Take It or Leave It."

Matthew Conaughey, John Witherspoon

Dave receives an unexpected birthday greeting from Osama Bin Laden; CBS Mailbag is interrupted to that the Hi-Ho girls can bring out Daddy's cake; ten Air Force pilots present the Top Ten.

Ashton Kutcher, Oliver Atukudzi

Dave mentions that he bumped his head over the weekend, then comments on the recent drought in NYC.

Landon Shuffett, Seth Green, Elvis Costello

Dave mentions that Saddam Hussein's novel Zabibah and the King was been turned into a musical, and then shows a (bogus) promo for it's upcoming debut in Baghdad; seven-year-old billiards trick shot artist Landon Shuffett blows Dave away by shooting a row of thirteen balls into the corner pocket; Elvis Costello performs "Tear Off Your Own Head (It's A Doll Revolution)."

Tiffani Thiessen, Bill Walton, Bonnie Raitt

Dave mentions Paul's appearance on tonight's episode of Ed, and shortly afterwards Paul wears the fake mustache he had to wear for the role; Alan and the Barbara Stanwyck look-alike perform another scene from Double Indemnity; Bonnie Raitt sings "I Can't Help You Now."

Charlie Sheen, Paul Westerberg

Another "Incredible Dog Challenge" is postponed by rain; Dave wears his ugly red glasses again; Cee-Lo sings "Closet Freak."

The Rock, Dwayne Kennedy

Dave and Paul talk about wrestling in preparation of his interview with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. During CBS Mailbag, "Mayor Bloomberg" (Gerard) offers Dave some pot, and Alan Kalter promotes the video "Osama Gone Wild."

Charlie Sheen, Paul Westerberg

Dave shows various clips of Ted Danson looked scared/shocked from his recent miniseries Living With the Dead; Dave points out that the Late Show was chosen as the seventh greatest television program of all time; Paul Westerberg performs "Silent Film Star."

Incredible Dog Challenge, Debra Messing, Wilco

The Incredible Dog Challenge is finally held out on 53rd Street, and throughout the night three dogs compete through a series of hurdles and tubes.

Kirsten Dunst, Steve Nash, Angie Stone & The O'Jays

An "Incredible Cat Challenge" is thwarted when George Clarke's cat won't go through the obstacle course; Kirsten Dunst promotes Spider-Man; after Angie Stone and the O'Jays perform "Wish I Didn't Miss You," the house band closes the show by performing "Love Train."

Tobey Maquire, Trey Anastasio

"Biff Henderson's America" visits the hamlet of Denver, Indiana; Dave comments on rumors that Bill Clinton may host a daytime talk show; Tobey Maguire does a really bad Rodney Dangerfield impression.

Jennifer Garner, Jim Gaffigan

Mailbag: a letter about having your name mentioned on TV is somehow morphed into a request to see Alan getting the crap beat out of him. Later on in the segment, a letter about tornados has the same result, as an already bloodied Alan is further laid to waste. Also, Michael McIntee does a remote Top Ten from Central Park, while Jim Gaffigan discusses food and cleanliness.

Mary Tyler Moore, Norah Jones

The outside cam catches Spider-Man jacking a car; Dave and Mary Tyler Moore play catch; Norah Jones performs "Don't Know Why."

Richard Gere, Reggie Miller

Dave moans and groans over his latest dental work; Dave shows (obviously phony) footage of Peter Jennings doing World News Tonight in a Spider-Man costume; Richard Gere makes first appearance on the show since 1983.

Will Ferrell, Tom Waits

Dave and Paul take apart wedding announcements in the New York Times; a staffer in a Spider-Man outfit successfully hails a taxi; Will Ferrell tells Dave what it's like to run the NYC marathon.

Hugh Grant, Tony Hawk

Skateboarding great Tony Hawk demonstrates his wares out on 53rd Street.

Gillian Andersen, Jonathan Katz

With Biff on vacation, Steph/Monty handles the pushpins live via telephone; during Mailbag, Paul demonstrates a hidden talent for cartwheels, and then mysteriously disappears; a Mother's Day tradition is started when the moms of ten celebrities present the Top Ten list; Dave and Gillian Anderson make out.

Liza Minnelli

Dave chats with the latest Survivor loser Robert "The General" DeCanio, while Liza Minnelli performs "Some People" from the musical Gypsy.

Kid Scientists, Allison Janney, Al Green

Nine guys in Spider-Man outfits, not to mention Dracula, Superman, and a cowboy cram themselves into a Subway restaurant; Tony Orlando dresses down Dave even though he interrupted him, then leaps into a chorus of "Knock Three Times"; when one of Lee Marek's kid scientists starts a very flammable demonstration, Dave demands that the band and everyone else onstage take for cover behind his desk.

Alec Baldwin, Ted Nugent

Tony Mendez goes home with an audience member (see recap), while Dave and rocker/sportsman Ted Nugent cook rabbit.

Kathie Lee Gifford, Brian Regan

Mailbag: Martha Stewart fills in for Biff on the pushpin board, Harold Larkin goes hitchhiking, and Tony is humiliated on Blind Date. Also, Brian Regan comments on his inability to spell names correctly.

Vecepia Towerey, Hilary Swank, The Firecrackers

Steph/Monty is mentioned in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly; Dave calls New York Highway Superintendent Drew Outhouse to resolve an awkward social situation; The Kalter Twins perform "I've Got You Babe"; The Firecrackers, a synchronized jump rope team, demonstrate their wares on-stage.

Diane Sawyer, Jesse Martin

Dave shows real footage of a woman being questioned on the news wearing a Late Show t-shirt; Diane Sawyer brags about her recent weight loss; Dave chats with Australian teen Jesse Martin, the youngest person ever to sail around the world solo.

Jennifer Lopez, April Kleinschmidt, Patty Loveless

Trumpter Terence Blanchard sits in; in honor of David Blaine's recent stunt in which he stands on a eighty-foot platform for several days, George Clarke attempts to stand on a folding chair for the duration of the show; Dave chats with April Kleinschmidt, the sole graduate of the Class of 2002 at Harrold High School in South Dakota.

Jon Favreau, David Rakoff, Anton Figg

Alan asks passerby for their reaction to the new Star Wars prequel and ends up making a scene. Also, Anton Fig and Ivan Neville perform "Inside Out" from the CBS Orchestra drummer's new album, Figments.

Charles Grodin, Wendy Liebman

Dave announces that Paul will be called Pablo this summer, which will go into effect immediately; Dave promises tonight's show will be "smooth and suave"; during Mailbag, an audience member asks Dave what his most embarrassing moment was, and we watch a (phony) clip of Dave performing with The Firecrackers last week.

Jimmy Kimmel, Tom Dreesen, Goo Goo Dolls

While showing photos from her trip to the Indianapolis 500, Dave calls Steph/Monty "Dutch"; the snake lady performs again on "Is This Anything?"; Tom Dreesen tells various tales of Hollywood hobnobbing.

Celine Dion, Helio Castroneves

Dave accuses Rupert of product placement on "May We See Your Photos, Please"; Alan addresses the Queen of England in a rather inappropriate way; Celine Dion performs "I'm Alive" and jumps into the audience.

Chris Rock, Jack Johnson

Dave and Paul try to figure out a strange gesture that Celine Dion made during her TV concert earlier that week. Later, Chris Rock talks about Don King and Bucky Dent.

Nicolas Cage, Abi Thomas, Jimmy Eat World

An audience member explains to Dave how to pronounce the name of her hometown: "You're saying Morristown. It's not Morristown. It's Morristown." Also, Dave chats with Abi Thomas, a jogger who was attacked by a bear at Yellowstone National Park.

Zach Braff, Kathleen Madigan

Mailbag: "Is This Anything?" fave Kiva "Grinder Girl" Kahl stands next to Biff while he puts the pushpins in the map; twelth floor receptionist Art Garfunkel provides his own on-hold music; Alan beats the crap out of an Amish guy, then when Dave explains that the Amish are pacifists, Alan heads back to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, accuses the Amish guy of being brainwashed by Dave, and beats him up again.

Christian Slater, David Bowie

Dave comments on the Nets' playoff run; Alan performs another scene from Double Indemnity, this time with a Edward G. Robinson stand-in; David Bowie performs "Slow Burn."

Sarah Michelle Gellar, John McEnroe

Sarah Michelle Geller promotes Scooby-Doo while John McEnroe tells Dave a funny story about getting thrown out of the Australian Open back in his playing days.

Freddie Prinze, Jr., Alicia Keys

Dave and Paul talk about their cholesterol levels; Freddie Prinze, Jr. promotes Scooby-Doo; Alicia Keys sings "How Come You Don't Call Me?"

Jodie Foster, Jack Hanna

Matt Damon, Marc Maron

Biff does his pushpin schtick live from the Grand Canyon, and Dave persuades him to yell "Hey, Mommy!" just to see if there's an echo. Also, Paul does a somewhat convincing James Brown impression, suffers a nervous breakdown onstage, and Dave comes by to bring him his cape.

Stupid Human Tricks, Tom Cruise, The Flatlanders

Dave takes inventory of all his favorite clips (the "wild dingo," the baby owl eating the mouse, Dubya looking confused, etc.); Tom Cruise shows off his braces; during a segment called "Don't Try This At Home," Mike McIntee sprays Windex into his mouth.

Ellen DeGeneres, Al Franken

George Clarke stands on the roof of the Studio 54 building to hit golf balls, hoping to go over the Ed Sullivan Theater and break glass on the WPI building on its far side. After successfully breaking one window, Steph/Monty, Alan, and Al Franken each take a few swings at the windows.

Piedmont Birdcallers, Lauren Ambrose, Moby

The bird callers of Piedmont High School demonstrate their wares once more; Moby sings "We Are Made of Stars."

Harrison Ford, ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead

The U.S. National Team presents "Top Ten Ways to Get Americans Excited About Soccer;" Dave brags about buying his first car at Harrison Ford; The Trail of Dead performs "Relative Ways."

Connie Chung, Gary Mule Deer

Biff and Bruce Willis push pins in Hawaii during CBS Mailbag, while Dave lands on the cover of "Martha Stewart Living."

Will Smith, Landon Donovan, Yo Yo Ma & The Silk Road Project

Will Smith promotes "Men In Black 2," while the US Men's World Cup Soccer Team holds an exhibition on the roof of the theater.

National Hollering Champions, Adam Sandler, Trik Turner

Dave makes several enlightening remarks about the National Hollerin' Champions from North Carolina, who later perform their winning hollers; Adam Sandler plugs Mr. Deeds.

Tom Brokaw, Bow Wow

Dave reads from random wedding announcements in the New York Times in a segment called "Will It Last?"

Michelle Williams, Barry Sonnenfeld

The audience is victorious once more when they play "Stump the Band." Later, Dave shows a very obnoxious commerical for the upcoming G-8 Summit.

Christina Ricci, Daniel Tosh, Ben Kweller

The "Late Show CBS Mailbag Biff Henderson Map Across America Summer Tour" lands at the Statue of Liberty. Later, Ben Kweller performs "Wasted and Ready."

Tom Hanks, Dolly Parton

Biff goes out in van, annoying people with a bullhorn. Later, Steph/Monty asks "Road to Perdition" star Tom Hanks, "During the filming, did the crew see or touch any monkeys?"

Stupid Pet Tricks, Jude Law, rubyhorse

Zeke, the "Rabid Dingo" that bit Dave in June 2000, makes a return appearance on "Stupid Pet Tricks." Later, rubyhorse sings "Sparkle."

Robin Williams, Pat Green

Dave talks about a snake in his house; Alan Kalter seduces a CPR dummy during a segment called "What's New for Summer;" Pat and Kenny read a transcript of Oprah's interview with Jennifer Lopez; Robin Williams promotes a movie and a broadway show.

Paul Newman, Counting Crows

Dave plays "Know Your Current Events" with the audience. Later, Paul Newman talks about auto racing while promoting "Road to Perdition."

Nathan Lane, Hugh Fink

Biff's Summer Tour stops at Niagara Falls. Meanwhile, during CBS Mailbag, George Clarke talks about his plans for the Fourth of July; Alan Kalter struts his "mastery" of the French language.

Serena Williams, Tom Arnold, Dave Matthews Band

Dave admits to being in a disproportionatly good mood during a segment called "Late Show Newsmakers;" the Dave Matthews Band becomes the second band ever to perform on the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Catherine Keener, Mario Batali, Solomon Burke

Steph/Monty and Dave play another round of "Psychic Sandwich." Later, Dave wrecks havoc during a cooking segment with New York restaurant owner Mario Batali.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Etta James

Sarah Jessica Parker talks about her unborn child; Alan appears to be on the brink of sanity; Dave stumps the audience with a "Beach Quiz."

Geena Davis, Robert Plant

Just for the hell of it, the annual "Late Show Holiday Quarterback Challenge" is held in the middle of July; Dave quizzes the audience with "Know Your Current Events;" Robert Plant sings "Darkness, Darkness."

Ted Koppel, Wendy Liebman

Biff's latest stop on his tour is Washington, DC; Dave chats with "Martha Stewart" (Gerard) and her lawyer made of pine cones during CBS Mailbag; Ted Koppel shows off his impeccable comic timing, then delivers a cape to Paul for his Friday night breakdown.

Haley Joel Osment, Bill Scheft, Dashboard Confessional

George Clarke flies a kite from a taxi; Haley Joel Osment promotes his movie, "The Country Bears;" Dashboard Confessional performs "Saints and Sailors."

Kristen Johnson, Kinky

Rupert goes golfing; Calvert DeForest turns 81; Kristen Johnston promotes her appearance in Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" in Central Park.

Dana Carvey, Ben Kilham

Dave chats with a "bear rehabilitator;" Dana Carvey promotes his movie "Master of Disguise;" the "Charts and Graphs" segment reveals that the contents of Ding Dongs are 50% Dings and 50% Dongs.

Amy Sedaris, Chazz Palminteri, Weezer

During "Know Your Current Events," Dave seems to fixate on attractive women. Later, Weezer plays "Keep Fishin'."

Bill Cosby, Tift Merritt

During "CBS Mailbag," Paul exaggarates some of the many great tourist destinations of his hometown in Ontario. Later, Bill Cosby talks about his Congressional Medal of Honor.

Julia Stiles, Mike Daisey, Wyclef Jean

It's the dog days of summer, which might explain why Biff is sitting on a block of ice. Later, Julia Stiles talks about her hair.

Joan Rivers, Zooey Deschanel

Dave and Rupert play "The Late Show Celebrity X-Ray Challenge." Tonight's celebrity is James Caan.

Blaine Mayhugh, Joaquin Phoenix, Little Richard

Dave reads articles from obscure newspapers in a segment called "Small Town News." Later, Little Richard sings "Good Golly, Miss Molly."

Mike Myers, Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Mike Myers promotes "Austin Powers in Goldmember" and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band performs "The Rising."

Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band, Mitch Hedberg

Biff's Summer Tour continues as Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band perform "Lonesome Day."

Matthew Perry, The Vines

Dave welcomes "Friends" star Matthew Perry, who is promoting a new movie. Meanwhile, a performance by the Aussie rock group The Vines blows the audience (and Dave) away.

Robin Williams, James Taylor

Sitting in with the band tonight is an unknown winner from the previous night's Teen Choice Awards. Later, Robin Williams plugs "One Hour Photo."

Al Pacino, Roger Clemens

Dave shows a timeline of President Bush's vacation, while Al Pacino promotes the movie "Simone."

Elizabeth Hurley, Tom Ryan

Biff pushes pins into a map right in front of the famous Hollywood sign in L.A.; Alan and his twin brother Rick appear on "American Idol"; upon hearing of a proposed talk show hosted by Bill Clinton on CBS, Dave shows a promo for NBC's "The Saddam Hussein Show."

Stupid Human Tricks, Jimmy Fallon, Dirty Vegas

"SNL" star Jimmy Fallon promotes the MTV Video Music Awards, which he's hosting.

Chris Elliot, Eliza Dushku, Dixie Chicks

Dave announces that tomorrow night Paul will be inducted into the National Black Sports and Entertainment Hall of Fame. Later, Chris Elliott and Dave reminiscense.

John Travolta, Nelly

Dave forces Steph/Monty to ask John Travolta, "How can I get in touch with the other Sweathogs?"

Caroline Rhea, Jake Gyllenhall

Joe Perry of Aerosmith sits in with the band; Osama congratulates Dave for nine years at CBS; Jake Gyllenhall promotes "Moonlight Mile."

Martin Short, Lewis Black

Biff Henderson ends his tour of the US during the "CBS Mailbag" segment (final stop: Mt. Rushmore) as Dave chats with "Dr. Steven Hatfill" (Gerard). Later, Dave welcomes "Jiminy Glick" star Martin Short.