The Phil Silvers Show Season 2, Episode 9: A Mess Sergeant Can't Win

1

Platoon in the Movies

The platoon is chosen to make a film about the correct use of the spark plug.

30 min

2

It's For The Birds

Bilko looks around for an expert to go on the 64,000 Dollar quiz show on TV. He ends up with Pvt Honnegar who is an expert on wildlife, After surviving a loss of memory he wins the money but he has a surprise in store for Bilko

30 min

3

Bilko Goes To College

When a local gangster insults the army Bilko takes a bet of 1000 -1 That the local College Schmill can beat Notra Dame in a football game. Nobody gives them a chance, but when Bilko gets to work on the press they start to believe that Schmill can win.

30 min

4

The Girl From Italy

Rocco's brother refuses to marry a girl brought over from Italy so Bilko sets out to make him jealous and to change his mind

30 min

5

The Face On The Recruiting Poster

Bilko hopes to get a handsome young recruit noticed by Hollywood so he tries to get the soldier's face on the new army recruiting poster. But first he must pass a test on the army and with Doberman coaching him a surprise is in store.

30 min

6

Bilko's War Against Culture

When two special service officers come to educate the platoon the men promise Bilko they will not attend the lectures until they see who attractive the ladies are

30 min

7

The Song Of The Motor Pool

Bilko looks for a song that the motor pool can adopt. He hears Paparelli singing one in the shower but it turns out that someone thought of it first

30 min

8

Bilko's Engagement

After a mix up at the jewelers Bilko finds that Joan has been given an engagement ring and she thinks that they are to married. Bilko has to think fast of a way out.

30 min

9

A Mess Sergeant Can't Win

Fed up with losing to Bilko all the time Mess Sgt Ritzik is leaving the army having saved up $400 to open a snack bar So Bilko devises a plan to repay all the money that he has won off Ritzik.

30 min

10

Doberman's Sister

It's family day at Fort Baxter and all the platoon have invited their sister's. They all have date's except Doberman's so Bilko sets out to con Zimmerman into taking her out.

30 min

11

Where There's A Will

A member of the platoon is cheated out of his share in his uncles will. The only thing he gets is a parrot so Bilko starts a rumor that the parrot holds the clue to a hidden treasure map.

30 min

12

Bilko's Tax Trouble

Through an error Bilko is called before the tax people to explain his earnings

30 min

13

Mink Incorporated

After Bilko loses 100 dollars of the platoons welfare fund on a horse, he tries to get the money back, by starting a mink farm, but the mink's refuse to breed.

30 min

14

Sergeant Bilko Presents Ed Sullivan

When TV host Ed Sullivan tries to put on ‘A Salute to the Army' show, the talent scout leaves Bilko out to start with, but when the producer decides to use a jeep in the finale, they turn Bilko to organise things, but he tries to change the show to suit himself.

30 min

15

Bilko Gets Some Sleep

Unable to sleep Bilko goes to the camp psychiatrist for advice. He is told to give up gambling and women.

30 min

16

The Blue Blood Of The Bilko's

A sergeant from Fort Baxter is to be excluded from his son's wedding to an heiress. They only want officers to attend so Bilko decides to change their minds

30 min

17

Love That Guardhouse

After winning 1500 dollars in Las Vegas, Ritzik is desperate to play poker with Bilko, so the Colonel locks him up in the guardhouse for his own protection.

30 min

18

Sergeant Bilko Presents Bing Crosby

Bilko promotes a show starring Bing Crosby, but when Bing suddenly fails to show up, Bilko has to find a lookalike as a replacement.

30 min

19

Bilko Goes To Monte Carlo

Bilko comes up with a foolproof method of winning at roulette, so all the camp come up with a bankroll and send him off Monte Carlo to try it out.

30 min

20

Bilko Enters Politics

When the plan for a new serviceman's center is turned down by the mayor Bilko gets Doberman to run for Mayor. When it looks like Doberman will win, the campaign manager makes a deal with Bilko to build the center if Doberman will drop out

30 min

21

Bilko's Television Idea

When T.V. star Buddy Bickford come to Fort Baxter to research background for a new television show. Bilko tries to sell him a T.V. idea of his own.

30 min

22

The Son Of Bilko

A young practical joker joins the platoon and drives everybody crazy until Bilko finds a way to give give him a taste of his own medicine.

30 min

23

Rock 'n' Roll Rookie

When singer Elvin Pelvin joins the platoon, Bilko sees a way to make money but he can't get him to sing.

30 min

24

Bilko's Black Magic

When Pvt Mendleson who has been lost in the jungle for years receives $7000 in back pay he loses it to Grover and Ritzik in a poker game. Bilko uses their fear of black magic to get his money back.

30 min

25

Bilko Goes South

During a cold spell the platoon think that they are entering a singing contest which will be held in Florida, but instead they take part in a dangerous medical experiment.

30 min

26

Bilko Goes Around The World

After watching ' Around the World in 80 Days ' Bilko calls the producer Mike Todd and suggests that to publicize the film he offer a prize to the first person who can do the same.

30 min

27

The Mess Hall Mess

Bilko has dinner at a French restaurant and finds an old recipe that will win a prize in a competition to find a brand new American recipe.

30 min

28

The Secret Life Of Sergeant Bilko

An investigative reporter tries to find evidence that American soldiers are giving away defense secrets. Bilko gets to hear and helps the reporter out

30 min

29

Radio Station B.I.L.K.O.

When the local radio station is to close down Bilko sees a good way to make money using army equipment

30 min

30

Bilko the Marriage Broker

When Lt Wallace gets transferred to become Bilko's platoon officer he works them hard all day. So they try and get him to fall for a new WAC officer Lt Rogers but he doesn't seem to be interested but unknown to Bilko the two officers are having a secret affair and no one is to find out.

30 min

31

Bilko Acres

When Bilko thinks that the camp is being enlarged he buys swamp land next door hoping to make a killing only to find that the camp is being slimmed down. Trying to recoup his money he tries to sell it as building land but first he has to kill all the mosquitoes in the swamp and he gives the job to Doberman with unfortunate repercussions

30 min

32

The Big Scandal

Bilko tries to hypnotize Ritzik, but it's Doberman who falls under the influence and he tells the Colonel's wife that he loves her

30 min

33

Bilko's Perfect Day

For once everything goes right for Bilko, from hot showers in the morning, to picking all the winners in a horse race, but by the time he realizes it the day is over.

30 min

34

The Colonel Breaks Par

Bilko wants the Colonel away from the camp so he can operate without obstruction he decides to get the Colonel to enter a golf tournament in Palm Springs but the Colonel doesn't think he is good enough to play. So Bilko gets Sam Snead to act as a golf novice and for Bilko to give him some golf lessons while the Colonel is watching.

30 min

35

Show Segments

The cast meet in Lindy's restaurant to watch scenes edited out of previous shows. Nat Hiken felt these outtakes were too good to end up on the cutting room floor and compiled them into what is possibly television's first 'clip show'.

30 min

36

His Highness Doberman

Doberman is dating the daughter of a Roseville millionaire, but when her parents find out that he is just another soldier they refuse permission for them to marry.

30 min