Fernwood 2 Night Season 1, Episode 22: Dumbness measuring machine

Talk to a Jew

Barth talks about his unusual day-to-day contract. Howard Palmer, a man in an iron lung, plays the piano. ""Talk to a Jew"" -- Morton Rose answers audience questions. (""When is Barbra Streisand's next movie coming out?"")

30 min

Leisure Suits Cause Cancer

Barth thanks the viewers for their support that got him renewed for another episode. Rocket to Stardom: Baby Irene sings ""I Didn't Know the Gun Was Loaded"". Barth talks to her about gun control. Happy talks about his nostrils. From Fernwood Commmunity College: Doctor Richard Osgood has proof that leisure suits cause cancer. (You see, they dress up the mice in tiny leisure suits... No, really!) Bury the Hatchet: Iris and Joseph Case want their son, a Catholic priest, to come back to them. Howard Palmer plays, while Baby Irene dances.

30 min

The Wonderblender

Barth introduces his dad. The body language of April McTear -- contortionist. Lou Moffatt plugs Blendermatic, the Wonderblender. The owner of the Butterfly Deli, Susan Cloud (""...the body _requires_ burgers""). Barth's father Garth Sr. and his idiot dog perform,

30 min

Corporal Punishment I

Hula hoopist Darius Washington. South Vietnamese gardener Mein Ko Thein (?) plugs his book: ""Yankee Doodle Gook"". The Other Side of the News:High School Principal Marshall O. Petty discusses corporal punishment by demonstrating it on Debbie Dunbar. Lastly, Garth Sr. and his dumb dog.

30 min

Corporal Punishment II

Barth talks with Debbie Dunbar's mother. Since ""last weeks"" on-air spanking, Debbie has gotten several lucrative modeling jobs. Russ Tuttle, the Fernwood coroner talks about cut rate funeral alternatives; Mrs. Dunbar appears with both of her daughters, shamelessly plugging the phone number for her ""talent agency"". Jerry rambles on about families. Barth sings ""Feelings"" while Debbie does cheerleader stuff. Once again, Garth and Louie.

30 min

Fernwood Fascinating Females

Vernon Taylor (AKA ""Uncle Sam, Jr"") reads one of his poems, Candy Lee Hargrove talks about the Fernwood Fascinating Females League.

30 min

Hearing Ear Dogs for the Deaf

Pet control center director Connie Bushman on Hearing Ear Dogs for the Deaf. Also: dancer Lisa Martin; Garth Gimble, Sr. and his dog.

30 min

Congressman Chambers

30 min

No-frills Hospitals

Ambassador-at-large Harold Mislap talks about his efforts to bring tourism to Fernwood, Dr. Richard Osgood presents his no-frills hospital plan.

30 min

Ethnic Myths

Daredevil Virgil Simms; Emanuel Kasinski on his latest findings on ethnic myths and prejudice.

30 min

Lillian Dunbar

Grandmother Lillian Dunbar and presidential namesake James Earl Carter.

30 min

Uncle Sam, Jr (I)

Candy discusses gynacology and the need for female gynacologists. Bart plays the guitar while Happy and Vernon accompany him.

30 min

Tony Rolletti and Susan Cloud

30 min

Breeding Athletes

Barth challenges Jimmy Carter to come on the show and compete with him to prove just who is a star. Lou Moffet offers tips on home music ripoffs and the presents the American Guitar Studios home study course offered by Gimblco Enterprises. Happy & band member Tommy Maranucci sit and chat.

30 min

Animal Sexuality

Professional football consultant Emanual Kasinski on the breeding of large men.

30 min

Garth Gimble Memorial Tennis Classic

This episode is tentatively scheduled for air on TV LAND July 20th at midnight. Original production number: 127 Barth promotes the planned Garth Gimbel Memorial Tennis Classic. W.D. ""Bud"" Prize (Kenneth Mars) returns, and bows to public demands that he reveal the secret of his chinadonture treatment. In a rebuttal to Dr. Van Moot (aka Dr. Osgood), Phil Maltby (Morgan Upton) of Phil's Fashion Funwear and Medical Research Lab explains that leisure suits, far from causing cancer, actually can help cure disease. ""Bud"" Prize is so stimulated by this revelation that he falls asleep.

30 min

Dating Service for Dogs

Connie Bushman talks about her dating service for dogs. Radio personality Terry Guy plugs his disc jockey correspondence course.

30 min

Lou Moffatt on Land Deals

Lou Moffatt on land deals; Bassist Eddie Thomerson. Sylvia Miller also appears and discusses how a martian violated her with a beam of blue light.

30 min

Uncle Sam Jr. II

Vernon Taylor, better known as Uncle Sam, Jr. is back and as passionate as ever.

30 min

Comedy Sales Techniques

Insurance salesman Elliott J. Tubbs demonstrates his comedy sales techniques. Happy Kyne on shut-ins.

30 min

Tom Waits

Tom Waits. ""Bud"" Prize on using CB radio to bring in tourists.

30 min

no info

Happy Kyne shares the latest gizmo developed by the Olfactory Center of Toledo; the nose aid.

30 min

Singers and salesmen

Mario Dorsett on his success as a singer; Tony Rolletti; Mrs. Walter Donker, whose husband sells cars.

30 min

Criminal Justice

Gilbert Ulysses Nelson discusses the treatment of criminals.

30 min

Still a Dream

Local opera singer Donny Lee Savage; Dr. Hugh Slocum on his latest scientific discovery; Amateur photographer Marianne Cox.

30 min

Fernwood Blood Drive

Singing duo Doug and Diana Mitchell; Fernwood blood drive chairman Larry Guy.

30 min

Ratings Week

Singer Laurie Gallagher performs, accompanied by her mother on drums. Also: Bud Prize and Sylvia Miller.

30 min

Barbershop Trio

Doctor Alexander Beach discusses his findings on marijuana. How the Humdinger Barbershop Quartet became a trio.

30 min

Two Ladies Against Pornography

Nettie and Barbara Forman on the elderly.

30 min

Church of the Devine Lemonade

The founder of the Church of the Devine Lemonade, Billy Jenkins. George and Sally Krepps discuss the La Fromage method of childbirth.

30 min

Roger Bellman

Marin Worth reads one of his poems. Also: Susan Cloud and chauffeur Earl Simmons.

30 min

The Fitness Twins

Fernwood mayor Merle Jeeter honors champion Girl scout cookie seller Wendy Price. Also: contortionist Mike Timmins and Mary Lou Bridgewater.

30 min

You Are You

Alberta Cornwall on how colored clothing affects moods; poet Vernon Taylor.

30 min

The Barber

Hair stylist Sal Magglione and Presidential namesake James Earl Carter.

30 min

X-Rated Shopping Mall

Sportscaster Jane Tiffany and W. D. ""Bud"" Prize.

30 min

Tony Rolletti's autobiography

Tony Rolletti plugs his autobiography. The Mirth-Makers perform ""Rock Around the Clock"".

30 min

Getting the most from your warranty

Virgil Simms tells how to get the most out of your new-car waranty. Basically, you make sure that it goes into the shop just before that waranty expires.

30 min

Nudists

Linda Barry, owner of the Fernwood Nudist Colony. Toy maker George Ellsworth.

30 min

Wrestling

Jane Tiffany; Sylvia Miller; Wrestler Rock Mondo and his assisstant.

30 min

Tony and Chance Rolletti

30 min

Solving Water Shortages

Representative Chambers on solving water shortages with icebergs. Lucy and Ed Campbell show how they display affection.

30 min

Sex Therapy

Vern Taylor; Sex therapy clinic founder Matthew Johnson; Happy sings about tooth decay.

30 min

Real Estate Tips

Comic Buddy Brown; Author Dottie Ann Lee; Eddie Thomerson's real estate tips.

30 min

Skateboard Angel

Larry Guy takes questions from the audience; The Mirth-Makers play ""Skateboard Angel"".

30 min

Mobile Home Daredevil

Las Vegas entertainer Debbie Dunbar; Mobile home daredevil Virgil Simms.

30 min

Rev. Chung Hee

30 min

Pot Sniffing

Impressionist Reggie Morrison; Principal Marshall Petty; Susan Cloud.

30 min

Pet Mating Service

Connie Bushman on her computer pet mating service; Sherry McCormick performs "" I Like Dreamin'""; The Birchfield, Ohio mayor tells how he spent 90 days in jail.

30 min

Harrison Edwards' Moon

Historian Harrison Edwards. Also: Tony Rolletti and Jane Tiffany.

30 min

Behind Hollywood

Author Duane Goff plugs his book, ""Behind Hollywood"". The Mirth-makers perform ""Fifteen and Free"".

30 min

Etiquette Guidelines

Barth starts the show with a slide show of his travels around Hollywood. Guests for this episode are etiquette authority Meg Endicott and her new book, Etiquette Guidelines for the Future and U.S. Defense Department representative, Col. Morris Chandler, announcing the newly formed War Deprogramming Center, a facility that helps war veterans ease back into the civilian life by first returning them to the war.

30 min

Aunt Edity

The show starts off on a somber note when Barth announces that the recently hired sportscaster, Jane Tiffany, was injured and is now in a coma, her prognosis uncertain. They proceed to hold an impromptu tribute to her which was quickly thrown together without hardly any thought or preparation and it shows. The first guest claimed to be Barth's Aunt Edith but is in fact Barth's former "patron" from Miami. This much older woman has tracked him down for the promised "services to be rendered" once she "put mirrors on every ceiling." The next guest claimed to be an accomplished dancer who defected from the Soviet Union but it becomes obvious that Serge Nabokov was kicked out because, as his mother put it, "you stink.

30 min

no info

Barth says a prayer on the show before introducing former daredevil now auto mechanics instructor Virgil Simms. He talks about being an auto-mechanics instructor at the Fernwood Community College. Also appearing is Elliot J Tubbs, the newly appointed National Liquor Lobby representative furthering the alcohol industry's cause. Barth ends the show with a song about truckers and fruit.

30 min

no info

The show begins with Barth and Jerry reacting to some comments made by Tom Snyder. With the band's strike over, things return to normal. Tonight's guests include Edward Bailey, a hamburger bun juggler from the Bun-N-Run, Dr. Harlen Washburn, who describes his vision of integrated education and returning guest Baby Irene performing Animal Crackers.

30 min

Theological Correspondence Course

Father George Reese plugs his theological correspondence course, and accordianist Frankie ""Kid"" Carbone.

30 min

Singles Mingles Club

30 min

Lattimore Diet Program

Six-year-old trombonist Kevin McCormick. Mrs. Lillian Lattimore describes her diet program.

30 min

Battery Powered Car

Virgil Simms introduces his battery powered car. Emanual Kasinski on Gay Liberation.

30 min

Harry Shearer

Harry Shearer discusses his work in TV news.

30 min

Amusement and Healing Parks

Bob and Joanne Herlick recite Shakespeare. Nelson Phipps of the Amusement and Healing Parks.

30 min

Indian Princess

On the show tonight: Indian princess Shosen Rising Star and psychologist Stanley Turnbull.

30 min

Fan Club President

Barth Gimble fan club president Mercedes Blyweiss presents an award to Barth.

30 min

The Ransom

Happy Kyne talks about where songwriters get their inspiration. Happy and the Mirth-Makers sing ""Ice Cream Baby"". Barth interviews three heavily-disguised criminals. Barth explains to Jerry how cartoons work. Bud Prize talks about the ransom note. Somebody has his chow-chow! Barth gets a singing telegram -- actually a summons from Miami.

30 min

Save "Fernwood 2Night" Telethon

Barth and Jerry stage a telethon to save the show. Final episode of the series. Continues the next summer as ""America 2Night"".

30 min