Roseanne Season 9, Episode 13: Say It Ain't So

1

Call Waiting

Roseanne goes on a spiritual odyssey in front of the TV. After walking out on Dan in the heat of anger, Roseanne is now holed up at Jackie's, mesmerized by the sitcom couples she grew up with on That Girl, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and I Dream of Jeannie. Meanwhile, back at the Conner house, Dan is listlessly puttering around fixing things -- but he'd rather "fix things" in his marriage. And, much like the TV couples occupying Roseanne's thoughts, Dan and Roseanne just might discover that they're better off together than apart. In the coda, Jackie realizes that they have won $108 million in the state lottery.

23 min

2

Millions from Heaven

The Connors win the biggest lottery payoff in state history but insist they're still "just folks."

23 min

3

What a Day for a Daydream

Newly wealthy Roseanne indulges in daydreams involving Hugh Hefner and an appearance on the Jerry Springer Show in which she imagines her dreams, and even some of her nightmares, coming true thanks to the lottery winnings.

23 min

4

Honor Thy Mother

While Roseanne and Jackie anticipate indulging themselves to unlock their "divine female essence" at a luxury spa, Dan is just plain morose -- and finally admits why: nagging worries about a family member, his institutionalized mother.

23 min

5

Someday My Prince Will Come

A Moldavian prince descends on Lanford with one purpose in mind: to romance Jackie. It seems he's developed a royal crush on her after seeing her briefly on TV.

23 min

6

Pampered to a Pulp

Roseanne and Jackie fight the battle of the bulge during their sojourn at a luxury spa, where past-life regression therapy brings out the imagined warrior in Roseanne.

23 min

7

Satan, Darling

Absolutely fabulous glam gals Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley (in character as Edina and Patsy) are among the few down-to-earth participants in Roseanne's outrageous Halloween outing. They're guests at an Upper West Side soiree, where new multimillionaires Roseanne and Jackie have gained entrance into New York society. But for grandmother-to-be Roseanne, a witches' coven soon comes into play "a la Rosemary's Baby” and bizarre happenings begin to involve a very pregnant Darlene.

23 min

8

Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti

A visit with the wealthy Wentworths on Martha's Vineyard gives the Conners a glimpse into new friend Astrid's dysfunctional family. And before long, the Conners are teaching the snobby elitists some truths about real life.

23 min

9

Roseambo

Roseanne battles a group of women-hating terrorists who hold her family and a foreign diplomat hostage on a train to Washington, D.C.

23 min

10

Home is Where the Afghan Is

The absence of Dan, a series of family squabbles, and a shocking revelation by Bev mar the Conners' first Thanksgiving as a rich and famous family, and they start to realize that money does not necessarily buy happiness.

23 min

11

Mothers and Other Strangers

Bev pays a visit to her free-spirited mom in search of answers, while Roseanne awaits Dan's return with trepidation, fearing he might not recognize the place -- or her new look.

23 min

12

Home for the Holidays

After a long stay in California with his mother, Dan returns home for Christmas and he, Roseanne and the rest of the family begin to realize how fortunate they are to have each other and how much they have to be thankful for as the old year ends.

23 min

13

Say It Ain't So

Jackie forces Dan to reveal some devastating news to Roseanne: he's been having an affair in California with a nurse who cared for his mother. Meanwhile, D.J. wants the job of videotaping Darlene giving birth; and Jackie must face a harsh truth about her own love life.

23 min

14

Hit the Road, Jack

As Dan packs his bags to leave, Roseanne drowns her sorrows in fast food while driving aimlessly around Lanford, and D.J. finds a soul mate to share his troubles.

23 min

15

The War Room

When a heartbroken Roseanne locks herself in her room and won't come out, her family and friends all try in their own unique way to help her get out of her funk. Friends and family try an intervention after they're unable to rouse a listless Roseanne out of bed, where she's been for four days amid piles of junk food, depressed over Dan's affair.

23 min

16

Lanford's Elite (1)

At a party at the swank Lanford Country Club, Roseanne forges a surprising bond with Edgar Wellman, Jr., the son of her hated former boss. When he reveals some shocking news about the future of Lanford, Roseanne realizes she may be the only one who can save her hometown.

23 min

17

Some Enchanted Merger (2)

After they wrap up the Wellman Plastics buyout, Roseanne doesn't know what to do when she finds herself deeply attracted to Edgar Wellman, Jr., and realizes that he is equally bewitched by her.

23 min

18

A Second Chance

Bothered by rumors about Roseanne and "that Wellman guy," Dan sweeps by to take Roseanne out for a ride. Roseanne and Dan begin to take the first tentative steps toward putting their marriage back together. But their reconciliation is disrupted when a frantic call comes in from Jackie: Darlene has been suddenly rushed to the hospital.

23 min

19

The Miracle

When Darlene gives birth to a very premature baby, the doctors offer very little hope for the child's survival. But Roseanne sets out to prove that love, affection, and human contact are better than any medicine.

23 min

20

Roseanne-Feld

Jackie and Mark take in a female wrestling match; D.J. is not prepared when he realizes he may be about to have his first sexual experience when a night of watching videos with Heather turns into a night of passion; and Bev introduces Leon and Scott to her new "friend," a boozy lounge singer named Joyce.

23 min

21

The Truth Be Told

Roseanne learns some truths about the price of fame when two high-powered television programmers bombard her with all sorts of bizarre ideas about how network and cable TV would tell her life story. Roseanne is appalled to learn that one wants to sanitize her life and the other wants to spice it up. At the same time, Bev is happily telling stories about Roseanne to a friendly florist, unaware that he is actually a tabloid reporter.

23 min

22

Arsenic and Old Mom

Dan's eccentric mom heads straight for Lanford after she's released from hospital, claiming to be cured. Problem is, Dan thinks she's trying to kill him.

23 min

23

Into That Good Night (1)

Darlene and David bring home their new baby. Roseanne's sage advice for her daughter? "The best part is when you can mold their tender little egos to fit your every whim," she says. But the baby's not the only news. When friends and family gather to celebrate the birth, Becky and Mark have a surprising secret -- and Leon and Scott make an announcement.

23 min

24

Into That Good Night (2)

Roseanne fans find out much more than they thought they would in the second half of the season finale

23 min