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Late Show with David Letterman
Season 2 • Episode 94 • Show #0313
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Late Show with David Letterman Season 2, Episode 94: Show #0313
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220 episodesShow #0220
Show #0221
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Show #0226
Throughout the night, an audience woman from Brooklyn kicks footballs.
Show #0227
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""Dropping Stuff Off the 8th Floor Window"" includes: champagne bottles, confetti, a TV monitor, presidential plates, fluorescent tubes, and bowling balls into a bathtub of pudding. The first two miss their mark; the third makes it but destroys the tub.
Show #0234
Dave comments on Robbie Kondor; a car alarm goes off outside the theater, so Dave goes outside and bombs the offending car; Chuck Berry sings ""Johnny B. Goode""; Zsa Zsa Gabor laments and spews profanities after discovering her car has been destroyed.
Show #0235
Hal Gurnee harasses taxi drivers by posting their images on the Times Square jumbotron.
Show #0236
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An audience member gives Dave a tiny pair of pants; Gavin MacLeod pops in several times, interrupting the monologue and presenting the Top Ten.
Show #0238
John Popper sits in with the band; Bill Murray tours Broadway; Macaulay Culkin promotes ""Richie Rich.""
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Tim Allen promotes his bestselling book, Don't Stand Too Close to a Naked Man.
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Two standby audience folks named Jenya and Gary are sent to take food to Dan Rather, courtesy of Rupert. Later, Mike Judge discusses his hit MTV show ""Beavis & Butt-head.""
Show #0258
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Show #0260
Calvert goes trick-or-treating in Nutley, New Jersey (Martha Stewart's hometown); Lauren Bacall plugs ""Pret-a-Porter"" (Ready to Wear).
Show #0261
John Popper sits in; throughout the night, Mujibur and Sirajul appear as correspondents on Court TV; Elijah Wood plugs North.
Show #0262
Show #0263
Dave gets freshened up by a street sweeper; Rupert serves ""Bill Clinton Soup.""
Show #0264
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Live via telephone, Jerry Lewis pronounces the new governor's name ""Puh-tack-ee;"" ""Picket Fences"" star Fyvush Finkel sings ""If I Were a Rich Man;"" The Cranberries perform ""Zombie.""
Show #0269
Dave selects a woman from outside named Laurie Byrd to be his co-host tonight; Biff and George Clarke recreate a scene from the hit CBS miniseries ""Scarlett.""
Show #0270
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The outside cam reveals that Dave's picture in the window of Joe G's Pizza. Dave calls and distracts Joe while Paul steals the unflattering portrait; Jon Lovitz plugs North.
Show #0280
Roseanne makes a rare political statement; Dave's accountant Fred Nigro takes a bow.
Show #0281
Mujibur, Sirajul and Tony Randall take a photo together; tonight's celebrities in the audience: Mia Farrow, Eddie Murphy and Sharon Stone.
Show #0282
Show #0283
One of tonight's cue cards goes to a garbage truck outside; in the latest edition of ""Rupert and Me,"" Dave radios strange comments to Rupert, which are then repeated out loud to annoyed passers-by; Nicholas Turturro sings ""My Way;"" Michael Keaton gets arrested for shoplifting at Hello Deli.
Show #0284
Cold Opening: Jim Carrey and an unshaven Dave goof around. Later in the show, Mickey, the barber at the Wellington Hotel, shaves off Dave's beard.
Show #0285
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Show #0287
Siskel and Ebert throw snowballs; Michael J. Fox walks onstage with a cow.
Show #0288
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Show #0291
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Show #0294
Bad Religion performed ""Infected""
Show #0295
Show #0296
During ""Charts and Graphs,"" Dave sends an audience member down the street for copies of a chart. Also, Dave calls the mother of a different audience member, but he ends up leaving a message on her machine.
Show #0297
A customer at Hello Deli shows Dave her holiday photos. Later, Dave checks his temperature (99.5 F).
Show #0298
Dave ends the show early yet again, and Paul finds him sobbing on the Ricki Lake show; Biff has champagne coming out of his ears; Dick Clark presents the Top Ten; Dave and Richard Simmons go harassing people door-to-door in New Jersey.
Show #0299
Show #0300
Show #0301
Michael Buffer announces Phil Hartman's entry onstage; a comely postal carrier distracts Dave.
Show #0302
Show #0303
Dave autographs a ham; Calvert (dressed as Newt Gingrich's mother) presents the Top Ten.
Show #0304
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An audience member hangs out in the band section; Mujibur and Sirajul become the latest witnesses to testify for O.J. Simpson.
Show #0308
Al Green performs ""Let's Stay Together.""
Show #0309
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Show #0313
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Show #0315
Dave shows a (bogus) Super Bowl ad starring himself; Gerard presents ""Top Ten Signs You're Not the Sexiest Man Alive.""
Show #0316
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Show #0319
Rosanne Cash performs ""I Count the Tears.""
Show #0320
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Show #0325
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Dave introduces the brand new ""Late Show Dancers,"" who prance around throughout the show. Also, 83-year-old Empire State Building employee Chico Chimone plays the piano.
Show #0328
Show #0329
Dave sends three members from the audience to go to a nearby movie theater to videotape some clips from Pulp Fiction. They return in time to show the footage during John Travolta's guest appearance to promote the film. Also, Mujibur and Sirajul report from yesterday's Daytona 500.
Show #0330
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Cybill Shepherd promotes her new sitcom; Gary Sinise brags about the perks of being an Academy Award Nominee.
Show #0332
Wayne Newton (live via satellite) presents the Top Ten; Michael McKean comments on the recent troubles on the set of ""Saturday Night Live;"" David Byrne and the CBS Orchestra perform ""You & Eye.""
Show #0333
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Show #0337
Bernie Worrell sits in; Al Roker does a weather forecast; Dave retrieves a blue card from ""Forrest Gump"" (Calvert); Jeff Goldblum tap dances.
Show #0338
Show #0339
Dave sends the standby audience to The Gap to purchase and wear matching outfits before they're allowed to return to the theater. By the end of the show, they are all wearing identical sweaters and khakis. (correct synopsis)
Show #0340
On the first Letterman show ever aired on this date, Bill Cosby, Tito Puente, and Dave climb a ladder up to the balcony, and Luke Perry does a science experiment in place of bumped guest Lee Marek.
Show #0341
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Show #0343
Dave sends the standby audience to The Gap to purchase and wear matching outfits before they're allowed to return to the theater. By the end of the show, they are all wearing identical sweaters and khakis.
Show #0344
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Dave gives a girl in the audience named Amy money to buy spring flowers, and later her boyfriend (also in the audience) sings karaoke with Will Smith.
Show #0348
A woman in the audience bakes cookies for everyone; Conan O'Brien appears in Dave's latest Oscar-related dream; Dave gets his toupee dry-cleaned.
Show #0349
Throughout the night, Dave practices giving out Oscars, awarding achievements by Tony Randall, Doc Severinson (who's sitting in), Tony Mendez, a hi-ho girl, and Sirajul Islam (Mujibur was sick). Also, Dave chats with a man whose dog ran away, then found his pet on the opposite side of the country.
Show #0350
John Mayall sits in; Dave comments on his much-scrutinized performance as host of last week's Academy Awards.
Show #0351
Throughout the night, the legendary Ashton Family acrobats perform their greatest stunts outside on 53rd Street.
Show #0352
Dave spells Uma and Oprah with hot dog wieners, while Creepy Dave lurks in the backdrop during his interview with Bryant Gumbel.
Show #0353
At the end of tonight's ""New Books"" segment, Dave gives one of the phony manuscripts to a girl in the audience. Also, for no apparent reason, Gerard dances around onstage in a sun dress.
Show #0354
Two babes in the audience are observed with ""Marry Us Dave"" T-shirts; Dave, Calvert, and Biff sit around and do nothing for three minutes; Dave asks cab drivers what they thought of his performance at the Oscars.
Show #0355
Dave invites the stand-by audience to his office and watch the show from there. Later, they're joined by Faye Dunaway and chef Wolfgang Puck.
Show #0356
Throughout the night, various staffers walk onstage to give Dave ""dramatic tension,"" while Robert Pastorelli explains his departure from the hit comedy Murphy Brown.
Show #0357
Mayor Guiliani and Dave agree to disagree on the new slogan for the New York Tourism Board; Drew Barrymore gives Dave a birthday surprise.
Show #0358
The New York Daily News, having headlined their paper with last night's Guiliani-chosen slogan, distributes miniature buttons to the audience reading ""We Can Kick Your City's Ass"" commemorating the headline. Also, Bela Fleck sits in with the band on banjo.
Show #0359
Two days after NYC's new slogan, ""We Can Kick Your City's Ass,"" reaches beyond the Hudson, Dave hears from mayors of other cities; Slash of Guns n' Roses fame sits in; a skit involving jelly beans bursting out of Biff's ears is botched when the wiring doesn't work properly.
Show #0360
Live Remote: Dave annoys both an H&R Block tax accountant and his mortified customer, who prefers to hide her face.
Show #0361
Dave selects five guys from the audience to compete in a basketball match outside on 53rd Street with five (alleged) New York Knicks. By the end of the show, the final score is Audience 108, Knicks 107.
Show #0362
Dave complains that the cue-card Tony is holding is too small, so Inky replaces it with a giant banner; ten mayors of other cities present the Top Ten; a blue card is missing and soon found taped to Sandra Bullock's backside.
Show #0363
An audience talent show is interrupted by Helen Reddy, who pops up several times throughout the show; later, she teams up with Blues Traveler to perform ""Hook.""
Show #0364
Tony Randall drops by to announce who tomorrow's guests will be, and Dave squirts him with a fire extinguisher. Later, Biff Henderson and Pat Farmer carry Tony outside and into a taxi. Also, Dolly Parton presents the Top Ten.
Show #0365
After word spreads to the media that he's losing his ratings edge over Leno, Dave wants to find out if people are still watching the show, so he displays his desk phone number on the Times Square Jumbotron. The only people who call are CBS employees who have access to a live feed in their offices. Frustrated, Dave dips the receiver into his coffee.
Show #0366
In tonight's live remote, Dave annoys customers down the street at the Sam Ash music store and invites Marcia to sit in with the band on alto sax.
Show #0367
David Sanborn sits in yet again; various New York Yankees present the Top Ten; Dave loses a blue card, then finds it at McDonald's.
Show #0368
The Flying Rat is introduced on the show during a segment called ""What's New for Spring""; in the same segment a small army of clowns attack Mujibur and Sirajul, then storm the Late Show stage; Dave chats with ""Buddy, the Sleepy Lifeguard.""
Show #0369
Dave and Paul leave the show early to go over to Madison Square Garden for the circus, where they run into an acrobat bearing a strong resemblance to Calvert; the flying rat attacks Dan Rather, and is later seen as a guest on Nightline; Dave and Felecia waltz.
Show #0370
All of tonight's guests (Marilu Henner, Kris Kristofferson, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Mario Van Peebles) are at Rupert's playing spin the bottle. Also, the flying rat demonstrates its supremacy of the New York skyline by swallowing a giant bird whole.
Show #0371
The Giant Flying Rat is introduced via lasers and special effects just after being interviewed by Tom Snyder.
Show #0372
(Supposed) Audience requests are fulfilled in tonight's ""Who Asked For It?"" while Harry Connick Jr. promotes his new album.
Show #0373
Pete Fatovich attempts to kiss Paul again; the giant flying rat delivers the Top Ten list; Jake Johanssen discusses a recent trip to the supermarket.
Show #0374
The giant flying rat dons a sombrero; Dave leaves the show early to marry Drew Barrymore; a man gets kicked in the face by a racehorse; Dave and Paul go supermarket shopping.
Show #0375
Dave sends audience members Nico and Ingrid Van Eenennaan to London (to promote the show's visit next week) with a camcorder, root beer, and the Giant Flying Rat. Neither are seen or heard from again.
Show #0376
Jimmy Smits, a guest the night before, is seen in his hotel room naked, doing push-ups and watching TV in bed. Also, Paul quits to become a professional boxer, but he gives up and comes back to the show.
Show #0377
The Dutch husband and wife from last night resurface for a brief moment; Paul wears a top hat and a tuxedo; Bruce Willis gets his head scrubbed.
Show #0378
Paul decides to have plastic surgery, then wakes up from the procedure with a conehead; Dave shows a clip of Pakistan's #1 sitcom, ""Seinjibur""; Hugh Grant promotes Nine Months.
Show #0379
Calvert mimics the Giant Flying Rat; Dave comments on preparations for next week's trip to London; Julianna Marguiles promotes the much-hyped season finale of ER.
Show #0380
The Late Show starts its week broadcasting from London. Ten London Guards bring Dave out onstage; Dave and Paul wreck havoc in the city; Elton John reacts to William Shatner's videotaped rendition of ""Rocket Man,"" then performs ""Made in England.""
Show #0381
London, Day 2: The new James Bond, Remington Steele star Pierce Brosnan, enters backstage with models and martinis; Little Richard and Chuck Berry sit in; Dave's mom reports from a pub. (correct synopsis)
Show #0382
London, Day 3: ""London Souvenirs"" include a Prince Charles Ketchup Dispenser, a Bobby Helmet Bra, and a Tea Cannon, brought out by fake London guards. Also, Peter O'Toole enters riding a camel, and Van Morrison barely remembers the words to his own song ""Have I Told You Lately"" in a performance with Sinead O'Connor and the Chieftains. (correct synopsis)
Show #0383
London, Day 4: Dave and Paul play soccer (or should I say football?) at Wembley Stadium; live via satellite from New York, Tony Randall trashes the theater; John Cleese presents the Top Ten. (correct synopsis)
Show #0384
London, Day 5: Dave repeats a monologue joke in a British accent; Salman Rushdie hands the Top Ten to Dave, and is presented by ten bobbies; Dorothy drops by to comment on her week of sightseeing.
Show #0385
Cold opening: Dave belatedly thanks Drew Barrymore for her birthday ""gift"" last month. Also, Dave pays Mujibur and Sirajul to pummel Paul.
Show #0386
It's the debut of ""May We Turn Your Pants Into Shorts?"" Dave cuts up his own slacks before shredding the pants of Paul and Mel Gibson.
Show #0387
Show #0388
Clint Black sits in; candy is thrown at the audience; the Top Ten Office is relocated to an audience member's hometown of Glenn's Falls, New York; in honor of Ringo Starr, Paul, Dave, and the audience try to recreate Beatlemania.
Show #0389
Dave takes a bunch of sailors to a local watering hole; Mujibur and Sirajul visit Dorothy in Indianapolis; Dave bids farewell to longtime director Hal Gurnee by placing a plaque on the control room door.
Show #0390
Cold Opening: Nicole Kidman asks Dave if he's drunk. Also, displayed by the window of an advertising agency across the street from the Ed Sullivan Theater is a giant toothbrush and tooth; Dave invites the workers from that window to bring the items into the theater and then presents them with the Crest Pledge.
Show #0391
Indianapolis 500 champion Jacque Vileneuve races a NYC cab around the theater block in competition with NYC cabbie Buke Kadikiran; Dave shows (doctored) footage of Dan Rather replacing his CBS Evening News co-host Connie Chung with… Dan Rather.
Show #0392
Biff delivers Dave in a golf cart; Dave and an audience member named Hal help choose the network's new slogan; a pyrotechnic exhibition is held in the backdrop.
Show #0393
It's time for a studio audience talent show, with friends and relatives of the performers swamping the backdrop. Shortly after his interview, Mike Myers joins the crowd.
Show #0394
Dave tells Rupert to bother people at a local bistro with his hidden mic; Dave chats with a woman that recently won $87,000,000 in the state lottery; head CBS executives ""Les Moonves"" and ""Peter Lund"" sing Bob Seger's ""Like a Rock.""
Show #0395
Dave chooses a person off the street to tell their life story; the Top Ten Home Office moves to Grand Rapids, Michigan; Chris O'Donnell plugs Batman Forever.
Show #0396
Stephen Stills sits in; Dave ""attends"" a recent President Clinton press conference; basketball star/party animal Dennis Rodman comments on his recent antics.
Show #0397
Travis, a five-year-old golden retriever, has the ""Dog Cam"" attached to his head; John Turturro dresses up as Batman, then hands Dave the Top Ten list; Dan Rather talks about Connie Chung's departure from CBS, then promotes his workout video ""Old Train Songs to Sweat By.""
Show #0398
Dave arrives at the theater in a police car; throughout the night, spelling bee winner Justin Carroll comes out to spell various ten-cent words; Dave chats with Robert Horry of the NBA Champion Houston Rockets.
Show #0399
Travis and the Dog Cam return; Englebert Humperdinck serenades Rupert; ten kindergarteners write and present the Top Ten.
Show #0400
Dave announces that this is show number 4000, but later admits he's off by a zero; John Denver performs the theme song to ""Supermarket Finds""; Alan King gloats over his grandkids.
Show #0401
Dave invites both a cabbie and an audience member to jump into a rooftop swimming pool. They're later joined by two NYC cops and Bob Saget.
Show #0402
Shortly after a ""What's New for Summer"" segment, Dave hands hamsicles (or, if you will, cold ham on a stick) to the audience. Also, ""Batman"" (Calvert) hands Dave the Top Ten list, while Tony Bennett performs ""My Love Went to London.""
Show #0403
Cold Opening: ""ER"" star Anthony Edwards refuses to give Dave a physical. Also, Jonathan Katz does standup and promotes Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.
Show #0404
Dave celebrates the fifteenth anniversary of the debut of The David Letterman Show by showing clips of the first broadcast; Biff interrupts Dave so that Corey Pavin (winner of the 1995 U. S. Open) can drop by; various staffers take their moms to the Russian Tea Room.
Show #0405
Bernie Kopell storms out of the theater after ""The Love Boat"" is somehow mentioned twice in a Top Ten List about Hockey. Later, Dave chats with ""Coach"" star Jerry Van Dyke, while Warren Zevon performs ""Mutineer,"" a song he would later perform in his last TV appearance in 2002.
Show #0406
Dave invites a standby audience member to play ""Will You Eat the Meatloaf?"" Later in the show, Dave chats with Pete, the dishwasher at Hello Deli.
Show #0407
In an experimental comedy bit called ""Letters to the Editor,"" Dave reads a (bogus) note from Al Gore telling The New Yorker that he loves their cartoons.
Show #0408
Dave shows the audience an old photo of Morty with an afro, and then later shows a doctored photo of himself with a head-bush. Also, Dave helps Tom Hanks shave a beard he grew on vacation.
Show #0409
In a remote, Dave asks apartment dwellers, ""What's the Coolest Thing In Your Apartment?""
Show #0410
Jim Carrey, Andre Agassi, and Tom and Roseanne Arnold miraculously appear in the audience, Tom being both on stage and in the audience simultaneously. Also, Dave orders pancakes from the Fashion Cafe for Christy Turlington and a heavyset audience member.
Show #0411
Dave says hello to viewers in France and Italy in their respective native tongues; during ""May We See Your Photos, Please?"" Dave demands to see photos of meat or nudity; Penn and Teller perform one of their trademark dangerous stunts.
Show #0412
Charles Grodin promotes his new cable talk show.
Show #0413
A small army of cyclists rush across the stage, while Dave and Pete Sampras play a pickup round of tennis out on 53rd Street.
Show #0414
After an admittedly lame remote on a ""Day In The Life"" of producer Robert Morton, he jumps into a giant bowl of pudding, followed by Dave. Later in the show, Paul, Laurie Diamond, and the members of White Zombie join in.
Show #0415
Dave flashes back to how he stayed cool over the weekend by stuffing popsicles in his pants; a woman who picks up one of the pay phones at the kiosk outside the theater is chosen as an honorary guest host; Alicia Silverstone promotes Clueless; Dave and Pam the phone lady switch jackets.
Show #0416
Dan Rather presents the Top Ten; Chevy Chase plugs Man of the House and talks tennis.
Show #0417
Ed Sullivan Theater Building Engineer George Clarke begins his ""Quest for Corn"" throughout the Midwest. He's off to Illinois.
Show #0418
Dave demonstrates a triple pencil flip; Rupert finds one of Dave's blue cards attached to Mary Tyler Moore's backside; Dave shows old footage of Andy Kaufman dancing with a giant snake.
Show #0419
Clarence Clemons of the E Street Band sits in; Dave offers an audience guy with an unruly beard $300 to shave it; Talent Assistant Zoe Friedham gets a tattoo; Dave gives the newly-shaven man $400.
Show #0420
A ""Dumb Ads"" segment introduces Canadian filling station attendent Dick Assman. The entire North American audience immediately catches ""Dick Assmania."" Later, a monkey in the green room throws fruit, while The Quest for Corn hits Omaha, Nebraska.
Show #0421
Dave calls up Dick Assman; Ray Liotta arrives onstage riding a baby elephant, and later he makes a (bogus) appearance with Paul in the controversial new movie Kids.
Show #0422
Dave and Tony switch places for a few minutes; David Schwimmer is reunited with the monkey who played Marcel on Friends; Dave announces that ""Dick Assmania"" has officially swept the eastern seaboard.
Show #0423
During a segment called ""Ask the Mayor,"" someone from the audience asks Rudy Guiliani, ""Is that a real hair piece?"" Also, a half-awake audience member opens himself to the feminine wiles of Sandra Bullock.
Show #0424
George Clarke's ""Quest for Corn"" finds him in Indianapolis with Dave's mom: 5 ears. Later, Nick Turturro and Dennis Franz stand in the green room with their pants down, while Paul and Bruce Hornsby play ""Chopsticks"" on the keyboard.
Show #0425
Dave gives $100 to an audience member after a monologue joke bombs; the show is interrupted for a ""Dick Assman Update""; father and son audience members Jim and JJ McMichael wave from the top of the Empire State Building.
Show #0426
Dave announces that CBS has just been bought by Westinghouse, then spends the rest of the show joking about it.
Show #0427
Dave chats with Mary Ann Dennis, whose dog stopped a man that tried to mug her.
Show #0428
During ""Stupid Pet Tricks,"" a small fish eats a worm whole. Meanwhile, Dave goes into a Westinghouse washer in spin cycle.
Show #0429
The final installment of ""George Clarke's Quest for Corn"" finds our hero at Hello Deli (five ears). Afterwards, George distributes an ear of corn to everyone in the audience.
Show #0430
Dave announces it's ""Christmas in August,"" with Glen Campbell singing a medley of holiday standards at Hello Deli.
Show #0431
Junior Brown sits in with the band; baseball star John Kruk talks about his recent retirement; Dave hectors a man on the street in a game called ""May I Taste Your Dinner, Please?""
Show #0432
The ""Dick Assman Update"" reveals that his popularity has hit fever pitch. Later, Christopher Walken promotes three new movies that are coming out within a month of each other.
Show #0433
Dave shows a ""highlight"" of last night's show: Dan Rather fondling Dave's butt.
Show #0434
In honor of an incident that resulted in a forfeit in the previous night's Dodgers-Cardinals game, audience members throw baseballs at Dave.
Show #0435
All night long, Rupert touches meat and is joined later by Kelsey Grammer, his then-fiancee, and a priest from the audience.
Show #0436
Dave claims that the chairman of Westinghouse has agreed to fight him. Later, Sonny Bono signs to Calvert's upstart record company.
Show #0437
During an interview with Isabella Rosselini, a guy on fire runs around the stage. Later, Bjork and the CBS Orchestra performs ""It's Oh So Quiet.""
Show #0438
Paul is introduced as ""Johnny Lavaggi;"" Dave shows a (doctored) clip of Monica Seles grunting; David Brenner does stand up.
Show #0439
Dave bids a fond farewell to his announcer, while Dick Assman also makes one last appearance.