Unscrewed with Martin Sargent Season 1, Episode 92: Unscrewed's Least Embarrassing Moments of 2003

Virtual Sex Machine, Eternal Life, Fat Jedi

You'll understand Martin's disturbed look once you find out what staff scientist Perry did with Marty's precious Virtual Sex Machine. Also on tonight's episode, Martin will learn the secret of eternal life from the venerable Alex Chiu and his death-defying rings. Plus, memorable moments in NASA history, singing squirrels, and some crazy fat kid swinging a stick. Don't miss one thrilling moment of our first episode ever!

30 min

Girls Gone Wired, Hollow Earth, Gary Coleman

It's only the second episode and ""Unscrewed"" is already bringing out the barely dressed beach babes. Wait till you see week eight! Also scheduled on tonight's show is a short man with big ideas about a race of beings who live at the center of the Earth, a disturbing voyage into the heart of bizarre Japanese Internet culture, some more singing rodents, and our very first game show with celebrity contestant Gary Coleman.

30 min

His Holiness Rael, 10K for a Wife, Foul-Mouth Barney

Rael, spiritual leader of the Raelians, is the byproduct of a romantic tryst between a human woman (mom) and a lusty little green man (dad) from a far-off planet. It's no surprise, then, that Rael chooses to walk around in an all-white jumpsuit and staunchly support human cloning. Anything less would be just plain weird. On tonight's show Martin catches up with ""His Holiness"" Rael as well as some guy who's offering $10,000 for a spouse. Also on the program is a Porn Tip with Judy, the Porn Mom, a visit from Scary Gary, and a rousing round of ""Female or She-Male?"" Get all the appropriate (and inappropriate) links below.

30 min

Time-Traveling Dentist, Deep Throat Diva, Search for the Perfect Blender

On tonight's oral-theme episode of ""Unscrewed,"" Martin travels through time with a deranged dentist and gets business tips from an online porn queen with a certain undeniable talent. Scroll down for further enlightenment on this evening's scheduled entertainment.

30 min

Asia Carrera, Ouchy the Clown, Hack Your Enemies

Now we're getting somewhere. Monday's episode of ""Unscrewed"" promises to be the best yet, with not one but two mind-blowing guests who are as sexy as they are strange. First up is Asia Carrera, porn star and geek goddess, who'll school Martin on gaming, gadgets, and the tech that turns her on. Following Asia is none other than Ouchy the Clown, the Web's premier provider of ""adult clown services."" Ouchy will be in-studio equipped with his whip, squeaky horns, and signature leather ""ballkini.""

30 min

Remote Viewing with Major Doom, Porn Tip With Judy, Screw with Your Friends

Major Ed Dames puts the ESP in espionage. For years, Dames worked as a remote viewer for the US government, tracking down enemy targets with the uncanny powers of his subconscious. Martin will put Dames's beautiful mind to the test on tonight's show. Also on the program, Kevin shares another evil ""dark tip,"" Martin goes back to the beach with the Girls Gone Wired, and Judy returns with another helpful Porn Tip. Get ready for the episode that Martin's calling, ""Our filthiest yet.""

30 min

Fake Nude Celebs, Supersonic Bong, Porn Prose

No, Gillian Anderson has never starred in an adult film alongside a goat. Those images you downloaded from KaZaA are something we in the industry call ""fake."" On tonight's show we'll talk with Ed Lake, the ""Fake Detective,"" about the best way to separate phony, Photoshopped pics from the real deal. Also on tonight's program, we have a device that gives you one more reason to become a pothead, tips on the best porn prose online, and a blood-soaked Internet game that puts the ""URL"" in hurl. Send the kids to bed, put the pets in the oven, and get ready for yet another history-making episode of ""Unscrewed.""

30 min

Planet X, Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, Coke or Cleaner?

Of all the television seasons during which the world can end, why does it have to be this one? ""Unscrewed"" is just getting off the ground. Martin just made the final payment on his Vespa. Laura can finally make it all the way to the office without calling three times for directions. And now -- wouldn't you know it? -- Planet X is ready to come crashing down and ruin it all! Watch tonight's show to learn how the unfortunate orbital path of a rogue ""10th planet"" will destroy the Earth and all its inhabitants in the next couple of months. Why haven't we heard about this? Hello! Vast international conspiracy! Also tonight, an interview with the legendary Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, a butt-smelling monkey, and a bunch of other ludicrous crappery. Don't miss it!

30 min

Ghost Hunter Scott Herriott, Lizardman, Michio Kaku

Scott Herriott is back. And he's pissed. OK, he's not exactly pissed, but he's sort of grumpy. Grumpy like a fox! Fine, foxes aren't grumpy, but the point is, Scott Herriott of ""Internet Tonight"" fame is joining ""Unscrewed"" as our in-house paranormal specialist, except for the fact that we won't let him in the house. Tonight, don't miss Scott's inaugural ghost-hunting safari to California's spookiest brewery, the Moss Beach Distillery. Plus, the Lizardman, Dr. Michio Kaku, a bunch of people hurting themselves, and the infamous ""Dark Tipper.""

30 min

Crop Circles, Skipping Chicks, Teen Lingo

Last summer's blockbuster thriller ""Signs"" made crop circles a household name, though it did little to ease the difficulty pronouncing M. Night Shyamalan. In the movie, the mysterious wheat wonders were created by a race of killer aliens. Tonight's guest, Marshall Masters, says that's a bunch of ""hooey!"" Sure, the crop circles were beamed down by aliens, but peaceful aliens who are trying to send us messages of love and friendship by destroying our food sources. Also on tonight's program: hot women skipping!

30 min

How to Be a Camwhore, Megaphone Messaging, Movie Poster Trivia

Maddox fans, prepare to soil yourselves. The creator of The Best Page in the Universe will be on tonight's show to teach us the ins and outs of being a successful camwhore. Also on the program, Laura tortures her officemates with a novel form of instant messaging, Marty gets proof of life on Mars, and we play the latest new Internet craze: ""The Movie Poster Game.""

30 min

Dear Blog, The Smoking Gun, Roy Orbison in Plastic Wrap

Tonight marks the first installment of ""Dear Blog,"" a recurring feature in which Martin poetically recites passages from your random weblogs. Trust us, it's funny. Also on the show, we check in with the muckraking menace-mongers behind The Smoking Gun, answer hate mail, and wrap a Roy Orbison impersonator in plastic wrap. All in a day's work for ""Unscrewed.""

30 min

Poison's Bret Michaels, Stalk the Bush Twins, Fetish of the Week

""Unscrewed"" has a kung-fu death grip on the pulse of the American music scene. Our industry insiders tell us that washed-up '80s hair bands are hotter than ever, so we rushed out and booked Poison front man Bret Michaels to come on the show to play our addictive new game, Porn Site or Not a Porn Site? Catch the outrageous action on tonight's show. Also on the program, the Web-savvy stalker behind The First Twins, Martin reads another Dear Blog, and our first installment of Fancy Fetish of the Week featuring a bunch of creepy crackheads dressed like toddlers.

30 min

Pastor Jack Exorcises Martin, Zero Sex Life, Japanese Hot Dog Art

Prepare yourselves for the most outlandish ""Unscrewed"" episode to date. On Tuesday's program, Pastor Jack J. Stahl will attempt to exorcise Martin's many demons (pornography, alcohol, bad hair, etc.) through the transforming power of the music of Tom Jones. Yes, that Tom Jones. Plus, Marty interviews the only man more pathetic than himself, the webmaster behind Zero Sex Life. Then we'll carve some hot dogs. Don't be late.

30 min

Martin's Stunt Host, Mysteries of the Time Cube, 'Search Sperts' With Cam Girls

Hosting a late-night TV show on a channel with instant name recognition like TechTV can be dangerous work. The mobbing fans, the jilted lovers, the five-day pork rind binges to drown the loneliness -- it's all part of the package of being Martin Sargent. That's why Martin doesn't go anywhere without his stunt host, Dave Rubin. Also on the program, the infamous Gene Ray and his remarkable Time Cube; Search Sperts, our brand-new search engine game (played by dueling cam babes); and Laura outs Hollywood celebs who are not only gay, but ""very very gay.""

30 min

Laura Finds Her Man, Alien Implants Explained, Filter Your Farts

Tonight, Marty plays matchmaker as he scours the 'Unscrewed' Personals for a suitable mate for the lovely, and inexplicably lonely, Laura Swisher. Plus, the truth about alien implants, a solution for your gaseous ass, and hallucinogenic condiments!

30 min

Crack Passwords Fast, Extreme Elvis Gets Naked, ABBA Clones

Never before has so much evil been packed into one television program. On Monday's show the ""Dark Tipper,"" Kevin Rose, will unveil his most dangerous tip to date: a free piece of software that can crack any password on any website (even the naughty ones). We'll tell you more on Monday, but start drooling now. Also, let's not forget Monday's special musical guest (for real this time), Extreme Elvis: the nastiest, nakedest, most nauseatingest Elvis impersonator in the world. He's gonna sing, swear, and drop his drawers, whether you like it or not. And just so you know, you won't.

30 min

Inside Wifey's World, Martin Gets His 'Bling' on, He-Nail or She-Nail?

If the execs of ""The Flintstones"" can pat themselves on the back for showing the first married couple sleeping in the same bed, then we deserve some serious props for tonight's show. Martin enters Wifey's World, a site run by a couple who record their action between the sheets and broadcast it for all the world to enjoy. Also on the program, Martin reads another Dear Blog, and Mr. Bling fits the ""Unscrewed"" hosts with a 24-karat smile.

30 min

Chemtrails That Kill, Old Men in Rubber, Judy's Porn Tip

Harold Ivey is our type of old-timer. This 70-plus Southern gentleman spends his days wrapped in handmade, skin-tight, groin-enhancing, leather and rubber clothing. Just like grandpa used to wear. Learn more about Harold and his techniques for masculine mounding on tonight's program. Also on the show, Martin gasps in horror as he learns that ""harmless"" airplane contrails are actually part of a government plot to poison us all! Damn you, chemtrails! Damn you all to hell!

30 min

Voices From the Dead, Life of an International Assassin, Choppy the Chimp

You may want to rewind that garbled message that's on your answering machine. It's possible that it's more than just a bad recording. It could very well be a message from someone beyond the grave trying to make contact. Scott Herriott heads to Reno to investigate the strange happenings. Also, former Interpol assassin, David ""Race"" Bannon joins Martin with tales of his wilder days.

30 min

Martin's Bedroom, Conspiracy Theorist Jim Marrs, Birdie Diapers

Despite what some of you seem to suggest with your email, phone calls, message board posts, petitions, picket lines, and assassination attempts, ""Unscrewed"" really is a technology show. To prove it, we've stuffed tonight's episode chock-full of hard-core, high-tech hijinks. You want the latest in technology news? We've got renowned conspiracy theorist Jim Marrs with hard proof of an alien invasion that occurred in 1897! You want brilliant scientific breakthroughs? Mark and Lorraine Moore utilized cutting-edge textiles and an interactive website to develop and market their wildly popular bird diaper! We've even got our research and development staff putting this clever contraption through rigorous testing. Because we're responsible journalists. We're legit. Too legit to quit. Plus, we'll show you how to navigate a brilliant new resource known as the information superhighway. Our first stops? High-quality entertainment (Martin's favorite game involving facial hair), inspirational images

30 min

Bizarre Bug Eating, Free Porn For All, Desktop Revenge

A late-night talk show isn't a late-night talk show until somebody eats bugs. On Tuesday's show, ""Unscrewed"" gets its official stamp of approval when both Martin and Laura chomp down on some juicy arthropods with the president of the Bay Area Bug Eating Society (BABES). Also on tonight's show, Judy's most provocative Porn Tip, ""Dark Tipper"" gets desktop revenge, and a monkey drinks its own urine. How's that for family entertainment?

30 min

Martin's Biggest Fan, Ultimate Beer Chiller, Girls Gone Wired

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Tonight, Martin meets his biggest fan, Dave Rich. (We're still trying to verify if this is his only fan.) This guy not only openly stalks Martin but also has a website dedicated to wooing our fearless host -- including love poems and a top 10 list of reasons Martin should become gay. Also on tap tonight, the Dark Tipper shows you how to get some use out of your old computer parts. And porn starlet Christine Allure shows us why she's the most connected gal on the Web.

30 min

Mind of Banachek, World of Dren, Moments in NASA History

In order for a late-night show to be deemed ""legitimate,"" it must delve into the strange and inexplicable. Tonight, ""Unscrewed"" earns its wings. Mentalist Banachek will leave you yelling profanities at the screen while shouting ""How in the hell did he do that?"" It's OK. We have no freaking clue either. Prepare yourself for the impossible. Actually, we recommend that you simply sit back, pour an extra glass of beer, and enjoy. You're not smart enough to figure out his tricks. Also on the program, enter the world of Dren (talk about one whacked mutha) and meet our future president, Sara Anderson. Too bad she can't run for office until 2016. We could sure use her help now.

30 min

Alien Mind Control, Natural Porn, Stalking Sasquatch

It's a weird, weird world out there. Why, even as I type these lines, aliens are infiltrating the minds of innocent people all around me, immobilizing them, controlling them, even persuading them not to wear protective headgear! Why are they targeting us? What are they planning? What did they do with Mulder's sister? Meanwhile, reasonably intelligent men and women of all ages are sacrificing staggering amounts of time, energy, and personal dignity to continue in their never-ending search for Sasquatch. What compels them to carry on? How does this legend survive, with so little in the way of supporting evidence? Why did ""Harry and the Hendersons"" ever make it to the big screen? Could this be yet another indication of alien influence? Tonight, ""Unscrewed"" takes a good, hard look at these questions, and completely fails to deliver anything in the way of a satisfactory answer. The truth may be out there, but it's not on this show. I don't know about you, but I'm blaming the aliens.

30 min

Fanime Convention, Twisted Haiku, Musical Sex Toy

Smoke 'em if you got 'em. But that's not as easy as it sounds. With the laws ever-changing, it's getting harder to light up whenever you damn well please. How is one expected to go bowling or sit in a bar night after night without sucking down a little lung candy? Tonight meet Patrick Carroll. He's leading the fight against the government and for the right to light up when and where we want. How's he doing this? By using the Internet. Also on the show tonight, Laura heads to the Fanime Convention, and Perry the staff scientist demonstrates the latest in sex toy technology. Fortunately for him, no girls are required.

30 min

Midget Wrestling, Girls Gone Wired, Free Internet Access

What do you get when you combine two tough and tiny midget wrestlers, one sneaky tip for scoring free Internet access, one red-hot co-host, one singing squirrel, and the always unpredictable Martin Sargent? You get tonight's episode of ""Unscrewed,"" of course. One half-hour of high-impact entertainment for the whole family.

30 min

House Gymnastics, Dirt From The Smoking Gun, Girls Gone Wired

A lot of you ask what Laura does to maintain her terrific body. Besides her normal meal of cigarettes and ice cubes, she exercises. Specifically, in addition to her daily walks from bar to bar, Laura does gymnastics. Well sort of. She has recently become addicted to a new craze known simply as house gymnastics. Tonight, the inventors of this do-it-at-home sport join the show via netcam to talk about their creation. Also on the program, Andrew Goldberg of The Smoking Gun is back with more dirt on celebrities and names in the news. Including Kobe Bryant's mug shot. Plus, a brand-new Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

Alien Chaser, Portable Lie Detector, Martin Explores Crop Circles

You've seen the poster in Mulder's office, right? The one of the UFO and the caption ""I Want to Believe""? Well, if you're already a believer in aliens, you're going to love tonight's show. And if you're not, after tonight you will be. Ron Regehr is on the show to talk about how the United States is preparing itself for an alien attack. ""Hogwash,"" you say? Did I mention that Ron helped design spy satellites for the US government? I think this fella knows what he's talking about. ""The truth is out there."" Believe us. Or just believe him. Also making sure the truth is out there, Dan Yashar joins us via netcam to talk about a portable lie detector. So the next time you tell someone you're not a virgin, you'd better think twice. Plus, a brand-new Girl Gone Wired and another installment of Dear Blog.

30 min

Turn Your Amateur Porn Into Cash, Tattoo and Piercing Webcam, Catfish Fetish

Go to your closet and start digging through your home videos. No, not the ones of your family vacation to see Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox. I mean the ones you made with your partner and your parents' home video camera when they were at the supermarket. Yes, ""those tapes."" Tonight's guest, Allen McNulty, is going to show you how you can turn your amateur sexcapades into some serious cash. Also on the show, we reveal what may be the most disturbing yet strangely enticing fetish on the Web: The Tattoo Cam. Find out where you can watch people get tattoos and piercings in real time. Plus, new installments of Dear Blog, Fancy Fetish, and Girls Gone Wired.

30 min

Alien Hunter, Sno-Cone Maker Mod, Singularity

Remember the good old days of the Internet? When just logging on via your 14.4 modem promised a plethora of crappy animation, urban legends, and chain email messages? When a man named Mahir gained worldwide renown with a simple website and the irresistible catchphrase ""I kiss you""? Tonight, Martin take a nostalgic look back at some of our favorite Web crazes and reminds us all that what appears brilliant today will surely look old and stupid tomorrow. We're also talking to an alien hunter so serious, he has trademarked the title. And we'll tell you how to prepare for the end of the world. Too highbrow for you? Then just tune in to meet our latest Girl Gone Wired. She hosts live chats and a webcam, and her idea of fun is ""staying home and playing on the computer."" ""Unscrewed"": your source for geeky, gorgeous girls.

30 min

Future of Porn, Creepy Dolls, Search Sperts

Remember the scene from ""Poltergeist"" where the clown disappeared from the chair only to end up under the bed? If that clown scared the crap out of you, get ready for the next wave of creepy dolls guaranteed to scare the bejesus out of anyone who owns them. Tonight, Sher Miller joins us via netcam to discuss her twisted creations. Plus, Tom Hymes, editor of AVN.com, talks about porn in all its lustful glory. And get ready for another camwhore face-off in the latest installment of Search Sperts.

30 min

X-ray Spray, Gary Spivey, Girls Gone Wired

Growing up as a kid today has got to be the best thing ever. Beside the advent of TiVo and MP3 players, there are so many nifty gadgets we would have paid top dollar for (or swiped from the shelves -- video surveillance wasn't an issue back then). It would have been great to take an X-ray spray and look inside that brown envelope addressed to Dad. Instead we had to steam it open only to find it was a copy of Field and Stream and not Playboy. Then we'd get busted because we couldn't get the damn thing sealed again. Tonight, Chet Canlas from the San Francisco International Spy Shop joins us to talk about an incredible product that lets you to look into any envelope. Plus, clairvoyant Gary Spivey, who has worked with some of the biggest names in Hollywood, sits in with the gang to talk about his psychic abilities. And in Girls Gone Wired, we take a sneak peek into the world of a brand new dolly.

30 min

Disney Tattoo Guy, Susie Bright, Girls Gone Wired

It isn't often that one feels sorry for Martin, but this is one of those rare times. Just last week, he made a sequin-encrusted sash with ""Mr. #1 Disny (sic) Fan!!"" printed on it. He's been wearing it 24/7, often exclusively. Unfortunately, Martin's love of all things Disney has clearly been outshined by one of tonight's guests. George C. Reiger Jr. joins us via netcam to show off his 1,500 (and counting) Disney tattoos. Reiger calls himself ""Disney's No. 1 Fan,"" and nobody's arguing. Not even Martin. Thankfully, Reiger's undisputed reign atop the world of Disney aficionados has caused Martin to rethink his latest Disney-loving stunt. Namely, contracting spiny elephantitis and having his name legally changed to ""The Human Epcot Center.""

30 min

Insomnia Cure, Guide to Better Self-Love, Girl Gone Wired

In every long-term intimate relationship there comes a time when the fireworks start to fizzle. You can fake it for a while, you can hope it goes away on its own, or you can turn off the Enigma CD, blow out the candles, grab hold of a mirror, and explain to yourself that Christina Aguilera was on to something. You're a genie in a bottle, baby, and you've got to rub you the right way. Tonight we talk to sexpert Sadie Allison, whose mission in life is to teach women how to give themselves ""big, wet, multiple, heart-pounding, scream-inducing, life-affirming, scrape-you-off-the-ceiling orgasms."" Oh, and she's got a few suggestions for you boys in the audience as well. Also, we're testing an electronic sleeping device for those nights when you have a headache. Plus, more Memoirs of a Radio Hut Guy, and another mouthwatering Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

High-Priced Gigolo, Search Sperts, Top 10 Asses Online

Tonight on ""Unscrewed"" we're talking about dream jobs. No, not Playboy photographer or Jack Daniels taste tester. We're talking fantasy job, the kind you can't believe people get paid for while you're suffering through eight hours of pencil sharpening. We'll introduce you to two guys who are literally laughing all the way to the bank. First, Gigolo Jess charges ladies $300 per hour to enjoy his undivided attention. Then, DiskoDan talks about his thriving online butt-rating business. Rounding out the trio, but sadly lacking the alliterative nickname, we'll take a nice long look at ass-kicking actress Kelly Hu as our featured Girl Gone Wired. Sit back, relax, and prepare to live vicariously.

30 min

Conspiracy Theorist Jim Marrs, Beard-Growing Contest, Porn Tip

You know what this world needs more of? Conspiracy theories and hairy women. Lucky for you, we at ""Unscrewed"" are here to help. On tonight's show you can enjoy the musical stylings of Ernie on acid. (Yes, ""that"" Ernie.) You can hear Jim Marrs' theories on who's really running the world, and you can watch the surprisingly hairless Laura Swisher enter her very first beard-growing contest. All this, plus an informative Porn Tip and yet another gorgeous Girl Gone Wired. Now that's entertainment!

30 min

Martin Learns How to Eat Fire, Martin and Morgan Make Out at Comic-Con

On tonight's show we're showing you our very own version of extreme dating. First, we take the socially challenged host of an obscure late-night cable show and drop him off at a comic-book convention. Next, we send in Morgan Webb. Finally, we challenge them to find each other dates. Inevitably, hilarious hijinks ensue! But that's only one of the many reasons to tune in tonight. We're going to watch Martin try to eat fire, challenge a former Girl Gone Wired to play Failure Mode, and play an online game with nekkid women. Don't miss it!

30 min

Traci Lords, Scary Gary, Psychic Attacks

Usually this space would contain a paragraph or two heralding the highlights of tonight's show and encouraging you to tune in. Not today. See, we don't need to convince you to watch tonight. You'll inevitably find yourself drawn to your television as the ""Unscrewed"" hour approaches. You will reach for the dial. You will watch. You can't help it. Know why? Because you are under psychic attack! We're remotely influencing you even as you read these lines! And here's the best part. If you want to know how to defend yourself (or how to remotely influence others), you're going to have to watch the show! Not that you need convincing, but we're also going to interview Traci Lords, send Scary Gary out to terrorize pedestrians, and showcase another gorgeous Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

Seaching for Semen, Debunking Astronomy Myths, Dancing Dog

Hasn't technology done wonderful things for relationships? Now, instead of heading out to your local watering hole and hoping to meet your dream date over a round of boilmakers and a game of darts, you can post an online personal ad, sit back, and wait for the perfect response (in fluent Klingon, of course.) Once you've lured your perfect mate, you don't have to hire your friends to stalk them if you question their commitment, thanks to a nifty little tool that will search for evidence of infidelity! Tonight we talk to the inventor of this semen-spotting gadget and find out how unhappy couples are putting it to good use across the country. To continue the trend of catching liars in the act, we also chat with an astronomer who explains why that whole ""fake moon landing"" theory is a big steaming load of wombat dung. All this, along with some screwy videos, a dancing dog, and of course our daily dose of Girls Gone Wired. Don't miss it!

30 min

Realdoll Surgeon Slade Fiero, Search Sperts, Fancy Fetish

Have you ever tried something different -- something kinky -- in bed with your special lady without asking her first, only to have her blow up at you? Did you have to enlist the help of her friends to get you back in her good graces? What a pain. Of course, if you bought yourself a Realdoll, you might think those days are over. Not so. The only difference between a real doll and a Realdoll is that when a Realdoll blows up, you need to call on Dr. Slade Fiero. Also on the show tonight, a new installment of our esteemed game show, Search Sperts. We have two new participants, and it's safe to say the ladies are our wildest contestants yet. Plus, this week's Fancy Fetish has all the elements of a classic moment on TV. Here's a hint: It contains chocolate syrup, adult entertainers, and Joey the Intern.

30 min

'Star Trek' Convention, Cat Schwartz Exposed, Drinking for Prosperity

Television is a demanding business. You're pretty much told what to do and when to do it. Take our resident Ghost Hunter, Scott Herriott. He was busy working on personal projects, and the next thing he knows, his ass is on a plane headed to Las Vegas. His assignment? The ""Star Trek"" Convention. He was forced to postpone his search for Sasquatch and specters and boldly go where most people have gone before. And you think Martin, Laura, and the rest of this team are hopped up on goofballs. Trust us, you ain't seen nothing yet. Also on the program tonight, Cat Schwartz of ""Call for Help"" is here to set the record straight about what really happened with the pics that are being swapped around the Net faster than insults about Martin's hair. And, find out why Jason Vanhee and Brandon Amancio are Martin and Laura's new heroes. Plus we reveal another Girl Gone Wired strumpet.

30 min

Martin vs. the RIAA, Rubik's Cube Whiz, Love for the 40-ouncers.

The RIAA has made itself clear. Stop the downloading, or else. Well, if the RIAA was forced to make a living on the peanuts we earn a week, maybe it'd understand why we do it. After shelling out money for rent, porn, and other expenditures, we barely have enough cash to pay the bar tab. Tonight, Martin takes a stand against the powers that be in a battle of the ages. A goofy, small-time television host squares off against the big boys from Washington. Put the kids to bed early, because this one could get ugly. Also on the program, meet Pete Brusyo. He loves the 40-ounce malt liquors just as much as our host does. Indeed, Pete has erected a website dedicated to the ultimate party beverage. Plus, Rubik's Cube genius Dan Knights attempts to solve the '80s toy in under 17 seconds. (That's longer than Martin lasts in the sack.) And we have new installments of Dear Blog and Girls Gone Wired.

30 min

Spy on Your Spouse, Hairogenics, Computer Programmer or Serial Killer?

Don't you hate it when you come home from a hard day of panhandling only to find your spouse has packed up her things and moved to another country to be with someone she met in an Internet chat room? All she has left behind are a pair of pumps, the kids, and a swallow of whiskey. (She could have at least left a full bottle.) If only you'd paid a bit more attention to ""the book"" she said she was writing. Turns out she's been chatting her nights away right into the heart of another man. Tonight, meet John LaSage. He's created a website to stop this from happening before it gets started. Also on the show tonight, find out how you can save yourself from a life of hair transplants, toupees, and Rogaine. Mike Blaylock has come up with a way to preserve your hair until there's a cure for baldness. The process is called Hairogenics, and it could be the best hope you've got. Plus, Scary Gary is back on the street tormenting pedestrians, and learn the innermost thoughts of Martin and Laura in a

30 min

Jeff Goldblum Is Watching You Poop, New Dirt From 'The Smoking Gun'

Don't you hate it when you're sitting on the can trying to ""take care of business,"" but you can't, 'cause someone is watching you and making you nervous? It's time you put an end to this stage fright, because before you know it, no matter which stall you use, someone will be watching. And that someone is none other than actor Jeff Goldblum. And you thought ""The Fly"" was creepy. Tonight you'll meet Matt Blessing, a man on a mission to make sure Mr. Goldblum is watching you every time you ""drop a load."" Also on the program, Andrew Goldberg of ""The Smoking Gun"" is back with more dirt on celebrities and names in the news. Plus, new installments of Dear Blog, and another bustified Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

Martin Gets Sloshed, Paranormal Investigator Loyd Auerbach, Get Laid Online

Tonight's show is destined to get a little out of control. In fact, we'll be surprised if Martin can make it through the entire episode. On the show, we'll be testing those personal breathalyzers you can buy at the drugstore. And Martin figures the best way to test these devices is to drink throughout the show. (Yeah, it does sound like an excuse to drink while working.) However, there's a method to this madness. We want to make sure those over-the-counter devices are accurate, so we invited CHP officer Christian Oliver to compare the professional breathalyzers the CHP uses with the store-bought ones. Regardless of what happens, we guarantee that Martin will have his way with a fifth of Wild Turkey.

30 min

State of Confusion

Only in America can we force a recall for a governor, and only in America can someone like Martin get his own TV show. Since we can't recall Martin from late night, (believe us, we've tried), it's time to grill the candidates like only ""Unscrewed"" can. We need to make sure whoever gets into office is willing to protect our rights to download music and surf for porn. Join us for a night of pure pandemonium. You thought the recall was asinine? Trust us, you ain't seen nothing yet. All 135 candidates have been invited, and only seven bold people have stepped forth so far.

30 min

XXX Church, Porn Tip With Judy, Girl Gone Wired: Anna Kournikova

You've all looked at porn. We can tell just by looking at traffic reports from the ""Girls Gone Wired"" galleries. There really isn't any harm at viewing porn from time to time, right? (We hope not, or we better get used to eternal heat.) But what if sneaking a peek at a little T and A makes you a bad person? According to our guests tonight, ""A little porn is like a little heroin. It's gonna jack you up one way or the other."" Tonight, meet the founders of XXX Church.com. They're here to tell us why porn is a bad thing. (And to think, we've been wrong all these years.) Also on the program tonight, Scott Herriott continues to delve into paranormal activity. Tonight he investigates some strange happenings in a haunted mansion. Plus, new installments of Search Sperts, our game show, and a new Porn Tip of the Day. And you'll love tonight's Girl Gone Wired. She's made a career of playing with fuzzy balls.

30 min

Flash Mobs, UFO Watchtower, Dark Tip: Total PC Destruction

You're sitting in front of Starbucks enjoying a venti caramel macciato with soy milk (Martin's favorite), and out of nowhere a group of people show up, chant a ridiculous phrase, and then flee. Did the indie rocker who sold you your beverage slip something in your cup? No. It's just a new worldwide fad. These harmless gatherings are called flash mobs. Tonight, Tom Grow, chief instigation officer of MobProject.com, sheds some light on flash mobs. Also on the program, D-Tip shows you how to rid your PC of all incriminating files in a matter of seconds. And alien seeker Judy Messoline talks about why she has erected a UFO watchtower in the middle of Colorado. Plus, another sex kitten from our Girls Gone Wired gallery.

30 min

Netflix of Porn, Pleasure Mints, Lighter Side of Linux

It seems it's getting harder and harder to watch porn. They've closed just about all the X-rated movie houses. Porn has vanished from most of the major rental stores. And at the establishments that do carry smut, you feel like you need to don a trench coat and sunglasses just to peek at the titles. While the Internet is great for downloading a bevy of pics, it's just not the same. If only there was a way to make renting porn a little easier. At last, someone has heard the cries of lonely men all across the land. Tonight you meet two guys on a mission to help you obtain your porn and not feel like a pervert. Also on the program, if you thought Altoids were curiously strong mints, you ain't seen nothing yet. We'll show you the direction mints are taking, and how they can improve your sex life. (Assuming you ever get one.) Plus, new installments of Lighter Side of Linux, and another bodacious babe from our Girls Gone Wired Gallery.

30 min

Virginity for Sale, Cross-Dressing Anime Fan, Extreme Model Fest

I'm sure many of you are still virgins, and that's OK. But if you haven't done the deed by age 22, you may want to turn to drastic measures. Tonight you'll meet Ryan Bennett. He's auctioning off his virginity on eBay. No strings attached. What a great idea! Maybe Martin should lie and auction his off, too. I'm sure someone will offer to pay a dollar. Also on the program tonight, Man-Faye. Although he dresses like anime character Faye Valentine from ""Cowboy Bebop,"" he doesn't exactly look like her. And find out what happens when we send Eugene the Creepy Intern to Model Fest.

30 min

Proof NASA Knows of UFOs, Wired Girl In the Flesh, Behind the Scenes at Burning

We know. It's hard to believe the American government would withhold information from its citizens. But when it comes to UFOs (among other things) the government tends to give us the proverbial brush-off. It has to be more than coincidence so many people have spotted what they believe to be UFOs. Tonight, UFO expert David Sereda has footage NASA doesn't want you to see. If you don't believe him, maybe you'll believe ""Blues Brothers"" star Dan Aykroyd. Also, find out how parody site Don'tBuyMusic.com was able to get back up and running after it was shut down by BuyMusic.com. Plus, Martin and Laura go behind the scenes at Burning Man. And no show would be complete without a Girl Gone Wired. Tonight's girl is on the set to play our product game ""Failure Mode."" Hey if she loses, her top is coming off.

30 min

Dancing Badgers, Naked TV Hosts, F***ed Companies

As you may have guessed from watching Martin, hosting your own TV show ain't easy. Which is why we've developed such an ardent appreciation for Jim Spagg. This wig-sporting nudist hosted his very own cable access television show for 14 years. We'll be lucky to stay on until the end of the year! On tonight's show we'll grill Jim for the secrets of his success, the language he created, and the religion he founded. Here's hoping he doesn't give Marty any ideas. We'll also chat with F***ed Company's front man, Philip ""Pud"" Kaplan, about some of his favorite dot-com debacles. And we'll hear from our friendly neighborhood porn mom and meet a Girl Gone Wired with a very sweet tooth. Don't miss it.

30 min

Dark Tip: Block the RIAA, Proof Planet X Exists, Camwhore Face-Off

Ever since the RIAA decided to fine people for taking what ""doesn't belong to them,"" downloading music has become a potentially dangerous thing to do. If only there were a way to simultaneously continue to grab our favorite tunes from the Net and slip past the recording industry. Tonight, D-Tipper Kevin Rose shows you a little trick to continue your downloading frenzy and keep the RIAA off of your computer (insert evil laugh). Also on the program, researcher Jason Martell joins us with proof that Planet X exists. Plus, new installments of our wildly popular game ""Search Sperts,"" and a brand new Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

Get Tan in 60 Seconds, Laura Busted for Sexual Harassment, Radio Hut Guy

What is it about a tan that makes people look better? Tans give even ugly people a certain sexual attractiveness. It's definitely true that fat looks better tan. While not everyone lives in year-round sunny weather, that's no excuse not to have a golden glow. On tonight's show, Tom Laughlin, inventor of Mist-On Tan, is going to turn Martin's ass from pasty white to beautiful bronze in just 60 seconds. Imagine looking like you spend your free time in the sun instead of the confines of local bars. Also on the program, Laura's work antics land her in the office of TechTV's human resources department. Find out how a website got our co-host in hot water. Plus, new installments of Memoirs of a Radio Hut Guy, and tonight's vixen, whose dirty ways secured her a spot in the Girls Gone Wired gallery.

30 min

Singing Psychic, Martin Visits UFO Expo, Liquor Filter

Do you lie awake at night wondering what your future holds? Same thing happens to Martin -- only, he's usually half-crocked at a dive pub pondering his future. Ya know, stuff like, will he ever find a woman? Will more people watch his show? Will Laura ever go out with him? Lucky for him, we booked one of the world's best psychics. She's Fran Baskerville, the Singing Psychic. Not only will she answer Martin's burning questions, but she'll deliver them in song. Also on the show tonight, Nick Esposito, creator of the Gray Kangaroo, joins us to talk about his invention, which changes bottom-of-the-barrel liquor into the hooch found on the top shelf. You know, the stuff you can't afford. Perry, our staff scientist, puts it to the test. Plus, new installments of Moments in NASA history and a lip-smacking hottie from our Girls Gone Wired gallery.

30 min

Torment Telemarketers, Earthquake Hunters, Foot-Pumping Fetish

Tonight's show is for the latent gear-head in all of us. Do you swoon over tricked-out speedsters? Does horsepower get you hot? Are you a heterosexual male who purchased ""The Fast and the Furious"" on DVD? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you do not want to miss tonight's ""Unscrewed."" We'll talk to an earthquake tracker who practices his predictive science with the help of one seriously stocked SUV. Then we'll offer a titillating taste of the erotic world of Gas Pedal Fetishists. Finally, we'll feature a fabulous new Girl Gone Wired who is guaranteed to get your motor running. Enjoy the ride!

30 min

Mod Your Xbox, Interview With the Vampire, Search Sperts

If you're a Bill-Gates-hating, Xbox-playing, Tolkien-reading, big-government-fearing creature of the night, you're going to love tonight's show. Because here on ""Unscrewed,"" we pride ourselves on having a demographic of one. But even if you don't quite fall into our target market, you should still tune in. Kevin Rose's Xbox mod is so controversial we're not allowed to call it a hack and Scott Herriott's vampire interviews are surprisingly lighthearted. Jerry Smith will give you yet another reason to wake up screaming in the middle of the night and our Girl Gone Wired will give you yet another reason to practice typing one-handed. All this, plus Search Sperts and a rapping Golem! Does it get any better than this?

30 min

Gun Girls, Lycos Top Fifty, Dear Blog

Guns and girls go together like ice cream and apple pie, don't they? Which is why we're such big fans of Nolan Conley and his website GunGirls.com. The site was originally designed to help George Bush defeat Al Gore using photos of half-naked women and weapons. You laugh, but who's sitting in the Oval Office, hmm? Plus, we've got the Lycos Top 50, which helps us track the strangest searches on the Internet; another mouth-watering Girl Gone Wired; and a brand new feature called ""Playing With Yourself!"" Now that's entertainment.

30 min

Hypnotist/Dominatrix Lady Christine, Search Sperts, Girl Gone Wired

One of the best things about working in television is the tremendous opportunity for intern abuse. We can force them to fetch coffee, walk our dogs, pick up our dry-cleaning, and move our cars every two hours so the meter maids don't get us. But the real entertainment starts when we invite them to ""participate in a segment."" You should see their glazed little eyes light up in anticipation! So hopeful! So clueless! So funny. Of course, few segments have as much potential for publicly humiliating interns as the one coming up tonight. Marty's interviewing Lady Christine, a seriously sexy combination hypnotist and dominatrix. She's going to demonstrate her skill on -- you guessed it -- Joey, the ""Unscrewed"" intern. Trust us, you don't want to miss this bit. Rounding out the evening, we've got Search Sperts, Dear Blog, and of course, another tantalizing Girl Gone Wired. Enjoy!

30 min

Female Wrestlers, StarDrive Inventor, Playing With Yourself

I've never understood men's obsession with women wrestlers. OK, so you put two attractive girls in bikinis and you watch them roll around on the floor, or the mud, or the vat of Jell-O until one of them manages to pin down the other. Big whoop. Sure, there's the whole girl-on-girl sexual undertone going on, but if you're into that, why not just rent porn? Frankly, the appeal was lost on me. Until, of course, I watched the taping of tonight's show. These chicks kick serious ass! They're strong, they're skilled, and they whipped Marty and our security guard without breaking a sweat! Whether you respect their athleticism, admire their more obvious attributes, or just like watching Marty get slapped like a girly-man, you're bound to enjoy watching these women in action. We're also talking to the inventor of a warp drive device for spaceships and featuring another glorious Girl Gone Wired. Don't miss it.

30 min

Xbox Mods, Ass Art, Fire-Eating Bunny

Tonight on ""Unscrewed"" we're going to show you how you can score a piece of ass! No, not like that. Sheesh, you people have such dirty minds. What I mean is, butt-printing artist Stan Murmur will be in the studio tonight painting a gorgeous masterpiece using only his gluteus maximus. Look Ma, no hands! The result will go to one lucky viewer in our first-ever ass-art giveaway! Continuing in our efforts to stretch the term ""artist"" beyond all reasonable boundaries, we'll also interview nightclub performer Scotty the Blue Bunny. Don't even ask me, I just work here. In a heroic attempt to salvage the show, Kevin Rose will offer step two in his amazing Xbox mod series, and the role of Girl Gone Wired will be played by Shannon Stewart. You sorta have to watch just to witness the carnage.

30 min

Naked Chef, Aura Reading, Reptile Attack

Tonight on ""Unscrewed,"" Laura takes her shirt off. There's more to it than that, of course. It's a gesture of solidarity and sisterhood dedicated to Bunny Bunns, who will also be topless. And bottomless. This former dot commer turned nude party chef will stop by the studio to serve up some spring rolls prepared in her signature style -- naked. Doesn't that tempt your tummy? If combining spring roll and skin isn't your deal, we've also got the inventor of the Aura Camera here to take a Polaroid of Marty's aura. Plus, yet another reason to get broadband, an enthralling Dear Blog entry, and of course a Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

Dodge Traffic Tickets, Porn Industry Insights, Girl Gone Wired

Many people seem to be laboring under the false impression that making an X-rated movie is easy. Sure, the lighting is terrible, camera angles awkward, titles laughable, and acting largely theoretical. Sure, the scripts read like rejected letters to Penthouse Forum. But that doesn't mean just anyone can shoot a sex scene and become the crown prince of porn! For the real scoop, watch tonight's ""Unscrewed,"" when Tim Connelly of Adult Video News reveals true secrets of skin-flick success. Plus, Kevin Rose shows you how to run red lights without risking the moving violation. All this, and a free game in which you shoot Teddy Bears! That's what we call entertainment.

30 min

Extreme Pumpkin Carving, Church of Satan, Mystery Spot

It's our very first Halloween here on ""Unscrewed,"" and we're determined to make it ghoulishly good for the whole family! So gather your friends and loved ones around the tube and join in our wholesome holiday fun. You and your little ones love pumpkin carving, don't you? Well why not jack up your jack-o'-lanterns with the help of some power tools? Our extreme pumpkin-carving segment will inspire you to experiment with your chainsaw and power sander to create a scene from your favorite slasher film. Your neighbors are sure to envy your ingenuity! Plus, we explore the spiritual side of this holiday with the help of the High Priestess of the Church of Satan. We also have trick or treating, mystery spots, and a gorgeously gothic Girl Gone Wired. Now is that better than bobbing for apples or what?

30 min

Etch A Sketch Artist, Stunt Host, Monkey Invaders

Do you know what makes tonight's episode of ""Unscrewed"" unique? No, it's not the opportunity to see Marty and his stunt double attempt belly dancing at the Renaissance Faire. No, it's not because we're talking to possibly the greatest Etch A Sketch artist of all time. It's not even because we're featuring a free game in which evil monkey heads shoot snot cannons at you and you respond by hurling exploding crabs. Certainly all of those elements are significant and worth watching. But what makes tonight's episode of ""Unscrewed"" unique is the lack of 18-plus web site links. Absolutely every item is family friendly. Take that, all you people who claim this show is nothing but soft-core pornography! So be sure to watch tonight's all-age entertainment. And come back tomorrow when we pile the porn on with shovels to make up for lost time.

30 min

Larry Flynt, Spy on AIM, Search Sperts

Tonight, ""Unscrewed"" brings together the undisputed King of Smut with the unproven Lackey of Late-Night Television. Tune in to see Marty talk with Hustler's head honcho Larry Flynt about Flynt's crusade to protect our First Amendment right to free speech. Of course, Marty also asks Larry if the bullet wound that rendered him a paraplegic has interfered with his sex life. Because after all, this is ""Unscrewed."" Dark Tipper Kevin Rose will also stop by the set to show you how to listen in on AOL Instant Messenger conversations. All this, plus a helpful guide for selecting bum wines, a positively gruesome free Flash game, a devastatingly beautiful Girl Gone Wired, and Search Sperts: Battle of the Champions. Don't miss it!

30 min

Guide to Sex Scenes, Dancing Man, Dear Blog

Tonight's show is all about exhibitionists and voyeurs. If you like to watch, if you like to be watched, if you like to watch while being watched or be while watching or watch while being, then this episode is all about you! We begin by interviewing a man whose contribution to society cannot be overestimated: Craig Hosoda, creator of ""The Bare Facts Video Guide."" This invaluable desktop reference resource dutifully tracks celebrity nude scenes available on videotape. How did we survive without this handy tome? From there we move to an interview with Stanley Tobiason III, who posts video of him dancing on the Internet. Yes, you read that right. Finally, we wrap up our see-and-be-seen special with tonight's Girl Gone Wired. So watch already. You know you want to.

30 min

Dog Translator, Celebrity Scandals, Hide the Hookah

If you're a pet owner, you're familiar with this problem. Your pet is fed. Your pet has been taken to the appropriate place to relieve itself. Your pet is not cold, ill, confined, injured, or uncomfortable in any visible way. And your pet will not shut the f**k up. Lucky for you, the helpful folks at Takara have developed a solution. The Bow-Lingual is a handy gadget designed to translate your dog's barking into human speech. Does it work? Watch tonight when the lovely Laura Swisher and her dog, Bean, put it to the test. We've also got the latest celebrity dirt from The Smoking Gun, a free game that has you hiding condoms from your parents, and a Girl Gone Wired with an inspirational message.

30 min

Carmen Electra, Sign Up to Sue People Online, Viking Kittens

Tonight on ""Unscrewed"" we show you how to make it big using that glorious American tradition, the frivolous lawsuit. The best part is, you don't even have to file the lawsuit yourself. Just log on to the website, find the evil corporate behemoth that exploited you, and join the feeding frenzy. Plus, Marty has a cozy little chat with Carmen Electra about hair removal, our free Flash game gets tubular, and our Girl Gone Wired reveals that she started working when she was barely legal. All this and more coming up tonight!

30 min

Live Forever, Torment Your Co-workers, Search Sperts

Tonight we take a walk down ""Unscrewed"" memory lane when we invite back the very first guest ever to appear on the program, Alex Chiu. Maybe a second visit will allow us to determine once and for all if he's a raving lunatic or a misunderstood genius who discovered the secret of eternal life. Plus, D-Tip is back with some deviously simple tricks guaranteed to drive your co-workers completely over the edge. All this, plus another thrilling game of Search Sperts, and of course our Girl Gone Wired.

30 min

Peter Pan and Mommy Dearest

We get a tremendous amount of email here at ""Unscrewed,"" and a significant portion of it seems to suggest that Martin has ""issues."" To which we have formulated the following response: Duh. Why not tell us something we don't know? Tonight, however, we explore the issue of ""issues"" in more detail. We start by talking to Jeff Bakeman and Brian Krinbring, two guys with some serious mommy issues. Their book, as well as their website, ponders the phenomenon of the man who marries a woman just like his mom, and the moms whose kids grew up to write books like this. OK, so not really that last one, but the rest is true! Then we chat with the poster child for arrested development issues, Randy Constan. Find out why this 49-year-old resident of Tampa, Florida, likes to dress up like Peter Pan and dance. All this, plus the tech of Frisbees, another gorgeous Girl Gone Wired, and a chance to see Laura blindfolded. If you didn't already have issues, you certainly will after watching tonight's episode

30 min

Bitter Waitresses, Secret Societies, Kids Playing Possum

From exposing secret societies to casting light on the plight of the modern-day waitress, ""Unscrewed"" is the Upton Sinclair of the late-night world. It's a hard burden to bear, being crusaders for justice and all. But we're just doing what we think is right! Actually, we're doing what we think is funny, but for once they're one and the same. Ever wonder about that funky eye on the back of the dollar bill? To traditional students of Latin, Novus Ordo Seclorum means ""A New Order of the Ages."" But to this guest it simply means that Satan controls our government. Dr. Stanley Monteith, conspiracy theorist and orthopedic surgeon, has pierced the veil of secrecy and is here to reveal the malevolent forces controlling your mind from a bunker in the Swiss Alps. And from the Alps to the diner down the street, we bring to you the creator of bitterwaitress.com. That's right, we get inside the head of a waitress and learn what it's really like to serve celebrities food. Would you believe that Rebec

30 min

The Mothman, Secrets From Marty's Past, PC Beer Fridge

A computer is very nearly the ideal companion. It provides entertainment in the form of games, videos, and articles. It provides assistance in a variety of ways, from helping you research a topic and manage your contacts to balancing your checkbook. It even provides an introduction to new and interesting people, like that Mahir guy with the ""I kiss you"" website. Really, the only time your computer doesn't deliver is when you're looking for a drinking buddy. Well, thanks to Kevin Rose, even that function can now be performed by your PC! Tune in tonight to find out how to install a beer cooler in your case, and extinguish your need for external human contact once and for all! We'll also talk to the host of ConspiracyCafe.com about a series of strange sightings in Wise County, Texas. One possible cause? The Mothman of silver-screen fame. The implications of this are simply staggering. Just think -- an excuse for a sequel to that awful Richard Gere film! We're getting the heebie-jeebies ju

30 min

Hollywood Is Calling, Psychic Spying, Matrix Pingpong

Let's say you've achieved some moderate degree of success in your life. You have a career you enjoy, a solid group of quality friends, even a satisfying romantic relationship. Your finances are pretty much in order. You're in good health. You have enough free time and money to indulge a hobby or two. And yet something is missing. You still don't feel like you've ""made it."" There remains some elusive triumph or achievement just beyond your grasp. What is it? What's the missing ingredient that would validate your entire existence? The answer, of course, is a personal phone call from ""Kato"" Kaelin. That's right. For the bargain-basement price of $19.95 you can pay a pseudo-celebrity to place a personal phone call to you or your friends. Tune in tonight when Ron ""Horshack"" Palillo of ""Welcome Back Kotter"" fame explains how Hollywood Is Calling can work for you. Plus, we'll talk to the man who put the ""ESP"" in espionage: Lyn Buchanan, former psychic spy and author of ""The Seventh Sense."" He

30 min

Witches, Cabbies, and Britney -- Oh My!

The Internet is an amazing place. Not only does it let you view tons of free pornography with the assumption of complete privacy, but it also unites a whole bunch of people who normally wouldn't be caught dead together. Case in point, on tonight's show we have a witch, a cabbie, Britney Spears, and a kid who will suck his own toes if you toss him a nickel. What do Peter Frampton, George Lucas, and Ringo Starr have in common? Well, yeah, all their careers went to pot about 20 years ago, but they've also shared the experience that is ""The Ultimate Taxi."" We've got the Ultimate Cabbie here to explain why he packed his cab with as many gewgaws as humanly possible. Plus, by the pricking of my thumb, something witch-ed this way comes. Macha Nightmare is going to explain how the Internet has brought witches out of the broom closet and a little closer to the mainstream. She'll also be harnessing all of her power to break Marty's long line of lonely nights. Yeah, good luck. Not even Gandalf cou

30 min

Testes Meets Ramses

Rarely are you offered the opportunity to sharpen and dull your mind in the same half-hour of television. Well, tonight, we here at ""Unscrewed"" give it to you. First, the dulling. Choosing to neuter your dog is a very important choice. So important in fact that an industry has sprung up to fill the niche of prosthetic dog testicles. Hundreds of thousands of dollars were spent, years were devoted and in the end inventor Gregg Miller has handed us the Neuticle, a plastic (or hardened silicon) dog testicle replacement. Will your pooch be able to tell the difference? More importantly, will Fifi, the poodle down the street know? Now the sharpening (actually just less of a dulling). Ancient history is really, really old. I mean it's so old that no one really knows what happened, so people just make stuff up. On one hand you have your stodgy, scholarly types with their ""book learning"" and their ""facts."" But on the other hand, the hand sporting a foam finger stating ""Aliens are #1,"" we have to

30 min

Find Nookie, Crack Passwords, and Search Sperts

""Unscrewed"" basks in the panoply of the Internet like a booze hound who won't drink the same thing twice. Tonight we'll discuss the bargain basement of Internet dating, absurd office art, mischievous hackers, porn, and the facial expressions you make during sex. But first things first. Tonight's Search Sperts is one of the best on record. Not only is it a battle that dethrones the reigning champ, but we also get to see plenty of blessed toplessedness and some lesbian kissing. You'll be on your feet yelling ""Oh no they didn't"" but you'll ultimately realize ""Ohh yeah, they did."" And if that got you all hot and bothered we'll show you what to do about it. Our guest, Amy Blair of Blacktable.com, will guide you through an online meat market where even your most depraved wishes can come to life. The example she used? Pooping in pie tins. It's been there, she's seen it. You can see it too.

30 min

Paris Hilton Sex Tape, Joey in His Underpants, and the Lycos Top 50

Well, a lot's been happenin' 'round the ol' Internet. Seems like Paris Hilton has been a bit of a skank. If you ask li'l ol' me, that's just fine. That's the great thing about this country: You can be whatever you want to be. You can take your massive wealth and create endowments for the arts. You can create shelters to help feed and clothe the less fortunate. You can strive to make the world a better place. Or you can run around like a drunken tramp, get taped boning some dude, and then pretty much make an ass out of yourself on an awful reality television show. Ahh, the sweet nectar of freedom. ""Unscrewed's"" own Paris Hilton, Joey the Intern, was inspired by such a bold example of the succulence of videography, so he decided to make his own ""sex"" tape. Make sure you check it out. Actually, the freedom of the Internet runs through the veins of tonight's show. We have an interview with Kevin Blatt, the publicist for SexBrat.com, the site that purchased the Paris Hilton sex tape. Also,

30 min

Maddox, Spies, and a Very Happy Walrus

The world is a torrent of mystery and duplicity. The good people of earth are besieged from all angles. Strife, both at home and abroad, threatens to disrupt the lives of everyday comings and goings of Joe (or Jane) Q. Public. Well, fair viewer/reader, I want you to know that we at ""Unscrewed"" are here for you. We pierce the skin on the pudding that is the Internet to bring you the sweet goo you need to get by in this topsy-turvy world of ours. Bold crusaders, depraved spies, and self-pleasuring wildlife all grace this half-hour of television where we carve out our niche in history. Tonight's guests are Maddox, the creator of The Best Page in the Universe, and Jason Woodside from the International Spy Shop.

30 min

Kidnapped Drummers, Latex, and Rocket Powered Hard Drive

Well, it's come to this. We're kidnapping people. I thought that extortion would be the first real law we broke, but I was wrong, it's kidnapping. Every late night show needs a band, and we're no exception. Our house band, The Day Drinkers, are pretty good, but they needed a drummer. So they kidnapped Letterman's. Yup, we're messin' with the big guy, and I'm just hoping he doesn't notice. (Although I'm sure I could take their Web guy in a bare-knuckle fight to the death, I know Dave would knock the stuffin' out of poor Marty.) And if kidnapping people isn't enough to pique your interest, we have world-famous fetish photographer Eric Kroll. Kroll's here to talk latex, muses, and ball gags with Marty. Plus, if the feds are pounding down your door, get rid of the evidence via a rocket-propelled hard drive.

30 min

From the Moon to Atlantis

Man is a funky beast. The intricacies of our species are like a toboggan ride that's missing the driver, careening down the track of life. Well, look at me, I'm rambling again, but cannibalism does that to me. No, I'm no cannibal, but there's a German chap who is. The stranger thing is that the cannibal used a website to find someone willing to be killed and eaten. Apparently it's all on tape and it's completely consensual. Like I was saying, it takes all kinds. Tonight's show is no exception.

30 min

Ex-Hosts and Anti-AOL-CD Activists

As the old saying goes, those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Well, if tonight's guests are any indicator, it looks like the past might be coming back to roost. And to root through TechTV's fridge for leftovers. Two ex-hosts are coming back to talk about life after TechTV. What are they up to? Are they running multimillion dollar enterprises or do they drink bum wine and live in cardboard boxes? And are the sins of AOL's past about to come back and bite the company in the ass? Two guys are mad as hell, and you can help them wreak havoc on one of the Internet's biggest mega-corporations.

30 min

'Unscrewed' Holiday Extravaganza

Oh, the yuletide glee. It's the holiday season again, and we're getting damn festive around here. Marty got so hopped up on eggnog, he even headed out into the woods to chop down a tree. That was a week and a half ago. We keep hoping he'll show up, the robust healthy young chap he is, but it's an odds on favorite he's freezing to death in the forest right now. In his last moments of coherent thought he'll probably be dreaming of the holiday extravaganza we're throwing. And I bet his dream would go a little something like this. Tonight's guests include Tom Nardone, creator of ShopInPrivate.com. And Laura presents Extreme Caroling: Extreme Caroling by Laura Swisher Someone on staff wanted to know how Extreme Christmas Caroling came about. I said I would write a brief article explaining the new tradition, so here it is in a nutshell. TechTV hired a company to figure out how to reach viewers in the coveted 18- to 34-year-old male demographic. We wanted to do a segment on ""Unscrewed"" to cel

30 min

Wil Wheaton, Drew Curtis, and Naughty Allie

30 min

Star Wars Kid and the Sexologist

30 min

Millionaires, Beer, and Condom Olympics

30 min

Choosing Good Porn, Search Sperts and a Fiery Wedding

30 min

Cindy Margolis, Poop Reporting, and Adopt a Demon

30 min

Exploding People and Cellphone Orgasms

30 min

Topless Bartenders, Sexperts, and Philanderers

30 min