Son of the Beach Season 3, Episode 7: You Only Come Once

Penetration Island

Notch and the gang head to the Island of Bulimia by Tex Finklestein at ""UBM"" wanting higher ratings. When they get there, they are to play ""Penetration Island"", where the grand prize is $1,000,00. While everyone is being tempted or seducted by their temptress or temptor, Dirty Sanchez and his gang of Bulimians are on the island and start killing the temptors and temptresses, trying to get their island back. After being thought he was dead by everyone, Notch and an escaped Porcelain come to save the day as Dirty Sanchez is about to kill off SPF-30. Afterwards after Notch is shot by Sanchez and his gang, the scene is shown as a scripted part, then revealing that everyone is still alive.

44 min

Saturday Night Queefer

Johnny Queefer returns to town to take on his dreams of becoming a broadway star. Johnny dances at one point with Porcelain and drops her and she cuts open her breasts and all the saline squirts out. Because of this, Notch bans all dancing and Kimberlee quits the force because she feels that Notch's rule is unfair. Johnny still wants to persue his dreams of becoming a broadway dancer so he enters a contest and Kimberlee becomes his dance partner. Notch faces his past of dancing and teaches Johnny and Kimberlee some of his ""moves"" just before the contest so they can have a clear shot at winning. Only the guy who cheated Notch years ago has come back with his son to challenge Johnny, with Porcelain as his partner.

In the Line of Booty

Someone tries to kill rapper Larry ""Biggy"" Little, and Jamaica's new rapper boyfriend is blamed.

Three Days of the Condom

When Notch's gang finds out that B.J. has gone missing from her D.C. internship, the gang travels to D.C. to find her. Having almost given up, Notch and the SPF-30 finally get their BJ, who is alive but has amnesia and that she is pregnant. Notch questions her employer, Congressman George Bukaki, and soon his unit is embroiled in a government conspiracy. Back home, Chip must try to stop a purse-snatcher at the annual Lez-Aid Faire, where Porcelain is scheming to get famous by playing for the other team.

Witness for the Prostitution

Notch is honored at the State Univeristy College of Malibu Adjacent (S.U.C.M.A., home of the Cocks) with the opening of a lavatory science building named after him. But all is not well. After a lifeguard group therapy session (with Chappy as therapist!), Ellen comes in with the news that she's been fired from her job as house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority, where a sister named Tiffany recently committed suicide. Notch smells something fishy, and SPF-30 swings into action: Chip and B.J. accompany Ellen on a stakeout while Porcelain and Jamaica go undercover at the sorority as pledges. Sorority leader Mandy almost immediately offers Porcelain a job working for I Eta Pi's escort service, but she and Jamaica soon find out that the sorority is running a forced prostitution ring, with the knowledge and guidance of the university's Dean Faraday. Notch and the gang rescue the girls before they can be harmed.

The Gay Team

A villain named ""Heinous Anus"" (RuPaul) is making young men disappear from the beach, and they are all ending up in a place called ""Gaytrix"". Chip ends up being captured by Heinous Anus and taken to the Gaytrix so that he turn him gay and clone him. Notch's army buddy (Alan Thicke) knows where Chip is and how to get there and sends Notch to go after him. Meanwhile, Porcelain's marriage heats up because of a scheme thought up by B.J. and Jamaica.

Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood

When foreign lifeguards start getting killed at the Lifeguard of the Year Convention, Notch is forced to watch over his Israeli counterpart, Noccus Johnstein.

Godfather Knows Best

Jamaica is shocked when Vinnie Fellachio claims to be the father she has never known.

Empty the Dragon

Notch travels to Japan with Kimberlee, Chip and Porcelain for the Nagasaki Fried Chicken (NFC) Karaoke Championships. To Porcelain's dismay, the blonde Kimberlee gets all the attention from the press. Notch gets involved with Binaka, whose crazed vegetarian father has concocted a formula that turns a chicken into a giant beast which is rampaging through Tokyo. The giant chicken captures Kimberlee and things look grim when the Japanese troops prepare to blast the big animal, but Notch comes to the rescue. Also, Chip visits a geisha house, where he gets a big, unexpected surprise.

The Long Hot Johnson

Notch's old wet nurse Aunt Jizzy and company come to him with stories of Klan activity in South Malibu Adjacent and a scheme led by the notorious Bull Cracker to cheat them out of their homes. So Notch joins the all-white South Malibu Adjacent Country Club to find out the truth. But he doesn't make the smartest move by taking Jamaica along with him posing as his fiance! Bull and his boys are about to make a move on Notch, Jamaica and Kimberlee, but they are rescued by a couple of unlikely allies, Bull's wife Pussy Willow and Porcelain. Also, Chip and B.J. try to help out by going undercover as a married brother and sister.

Taco Lips Now (1)

In a flashback to Notch's war days, we see how his commanding officer Colonel Kooze ""improperly disposed of"" the village of Tam Pon. Kooze implores Notch to ""never tell"" about this atrocity. Later Notch sees the guilty colonel hanging from a tree, having apparently commited suicide. Back in the present, Notch's brother Harry Johnson has arrived at Malibu Adjacent. His secret past begins to catch up with Notch, and he is questioned by reporters about the incident at Tam Pon. This leads to his arrest, and as he's being taken into custody, Notch can hardly believe his eyes--in the distance he sees Col. Kooze! Also, Porcelain marries the decrepit old multi-millionaire Nick ""Snuggles"" Pappasmearos so she can inherit his money, but she'll have to contend with his family, including Nick Jr.

Jailhouse Notch (2)

Notch is convicted of the war crime and goes to jail, where he meets all sorts of unsavory characters, but soon he breaks out and begins his search for Colonel Kooze so he can clear his name. But there are some surprises back at Malibu Adjacent. Notch's brother Harry is working for Kooze, and part of their evil plan is for Harry to court and propose marriage to Kimberlee. Kimberlee falls for it and accepts Harry's proposal. Meanwhile a court rules against Porcelain and her claim on ""Snuggles'"" will, with the result being that she's now homeless.

Bad News, Mr. Johnson (3)

""Master of disguise"" Notch Johnson is on the run and he spends some time hiding out at Aunt Jizzy's, where he learns that Kooze and Harry have conspired to move up Harry and Kimberlee's wedding date to the next day. Kooze knows Notch will come when he hears this news and he plans to assassinate him at the wedding. Chip finds out he's in imminent danger of being deported. To avoid this, he convinces a reluctant Jamaica to marry him, which is a great shock to his ""Mootie"" and ""Poopie"" when they arrive for the wedding. Porcelain has now come up with a plan to seduce Nick Jr. into marriage so she can get her hands on the Pappasmearos fortune, so it looks like there's going to be a triple wedding at Malibu Adjacent. Notch sneaks into the SPF-30 headquaters looking for evidence against Kooze, but while he's looking, B.J. goes into labor. Notch helps to deliver her baby, after which the surprise identity of the father is revealed.